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Home
and Family
Teenagers
by A. Ross, M.Ed
At a certain age, a person inevitably changes from a child to
an adult. Some people find the transition smooth and
uneventful, whereas others have a very difficult time.
Besides physical changes, there are emotional and spiritual
adjustments. The wish for privacy is particularly marked at
this age, so frequently the growing child is not willing to
confide his feelings to adults, least of all to his parents.
As a result, he feels that nobody understands him. (We will
call the teenager "he" in this article, just for convenience,
while naturally the same applies to both sexes.) There are no
hard and fast rules which will help to smooth the way for
these growing children, (or for the adults who live with
them), but if we understand some of the problems, and
remember our own trials and tribulations at that age, life
already seems easier.
A crucial factor in growing up is the show of independence,
which frequently manifests itself as rebelliousness. The
choice of clothes, the choice of music and the volume he
plays it, or the way he decorates his bedroom may well give
rise to conflict. "I don't want you to choose my clothes
anymore; I will go with a friend or on my own," is a common
declaration. It is futile to insist that the child wears
clothes which conform to your taste.
If it is a matter of tzniyus, parents have to lay down
the law, although a royal battle might ensue. However, if a
child decides on a hairstyle which you positively dislike, or
wears the most outrageous clothes, it is wise, although
extremely difficult, to let it go. Furthermore, if he wants
to live in chaos, that is his decision, but parents are
entitled to insist that the disarray be limited to his room
only. He will realize all too soon that disorder is a great
disadvantage, although he will not do much about it. There
will be no clean clothes for him to wear, as he has asked
Mother to keep out of the room; so she was unable to pick up
the accumulated shirts and socks from under the bed. There
will be times of crisis when he cannot find his homework or
anything else which he needs desperately. It is at times like
these that a teenager might welcome an offer of help, instead
of the "It's your own fault and I have warned you about it
countless times," which he deserves. On the other hand, he
might reject the offer and declare that he can manage.
Mood swings and irresponsible behavior are part and parcel of
being a teenager. There are times when he urgently needs the
support and empathy of parents, yet it is a very fine line
between genuine concern and "interference," in the mind of
this troubled young person. The teenager knows that he is not
yet an adult, and although he might argue about them, he
still needs firmly defined boundaries. He will argue because
he disagrees with everything, for the sake of being contrary,
or just because of an inner drive . . . for no particular
reason. For all the show of bravado, most teenagers are
extremely vulnerable and have very little self confidence.
Once again, we will understand our children better, and be
more tolerant of them if we remember that we went through the
same difficult time, to a greater or lesser degree.
Parents are not permitted to hit a child who is over Bas
Mitzva or Bar Mitzva, because this may cause him to hit back.
The Rambam compares it to placing a stumbling block before
the blind. Indeed, in theory, we do not need to educate
children any more after this age, although we certainly need
to censure them if we see them doing wrong. Slouching at the
table, or bad table manners in general, might be extremely
irritating to some people, but that is not "doing wrong."
When a child comes home from nursery school or from school,
the mother will usually ask what sort of a day he had, what
he did, what happened, and the child will tell some of his
experiences. There are cases when introverted children do not
divulge anything and it is like pulling teeth to get any
information out of them, but this is rare. On the whole,
children like to share the day's happenings.
When children refuse to talk, mothers are well advised to
tell of their own experiences, to talk about what they did
while he was in school. This often opens the floodgates and
the child prattles away.
Suddenly, or gradually, the articulate, even garrulous child
turns mono-syllabic. "How was your day?" Grunt. "Anything
interesting happen at school?" Shrug. "What is upsetting
you?" Nothing.
There is no point in saying, "Look I am still your mother, I
am entitled to know what happened/ where you went/ what you
did." It will only cause a rift. The child is not trying to
tell you that you are not his mother: he is saying, in his
silent way, that he finds it hard to discuss his private
thoughts and feelings right now. Be patient and your darling
boy or girl will return to you in good time.
Little children see what they see, hear what they hear, ask
endless questions and come to their own conclusions, not
always the right ones. Teenagers see things black or white,
there are no grey areas. They may spend hours philosophizing
and putting the world to rights with their peers, but not
with their parents. They have no one to ask, as they feel
they know everything better than the older generations.
Grandparents, who were always so beloved, may now be seen as
"past it," and not worth consulting. Not all phases come to
all teenagers: as mentioned earlier, some sail through these
difficult years without any problems.
The severity of the symptoms depends partly on the child"s
nature and partly on the way he grew up. If parents have
always listened to their children from an early age, and also
talked to them and given them responsibility, in all
likelihood these children will have a smooth transition from
childhood to becoming adults. Some professionals, who deal
with troubled children, recommend that before the onset of
puberty, one parent or both should speak to the child and
warn him of what is to come.
Parents are confronted in the course of their lives with
numerous unexpected situations. However, they have at least
ten years warning of the trials and tribulations which the
teenager will experience. If they warn the child in advance
that he will undergo emotional changes, and that he might get
very angry about trivial matters, he might not remember the
warning a couple of years later in the heat of the moment,
but he will know that he is normal. Yeshiva boys in
particular, if they are away from home, might go through a
very bad patch. If they are secure in the knowledge that they
have a good home, and above all that they are normal, this
will help them weather the stormy years. In spite of this,
they may prefer to confide in the Mashgiach as someone
objective, rather than in a parent who they feel, is
disappointed in them.
A boy might beg his mother not to come to visit him in
Yeshiva. At this age, they are terribly aware of what "they"
will say. Instead of being offended, the mother could ask him
if he wants to meet her at some other place instead so that
she could bring him some goodies. He might forgo the goodies
or he might suggest some place away from the precincts of the
yeshiva. Girls, too, go through a phase of being ashamed of
their parents.
Some women do not buy clothes on their own, once they have
teenage daughters. They are so anxious for their approval
that the girls come with them to chose their clothes! These
mothers have too little self confidence. They could easily
say, "Look, this is the way I dress, and nobody thinks the
worse of me for it. I let you choose your clothes, but you
have to let me choose mine." Mothers are mothers and not
sisters or friends, however much they would like a closer
relationship with their growing daughters.
When a boy who is home for a few weeks for the holidays, says
that he can't wait to get back to yeshiva, he is not
insulting his doting mother who has made all his favorite
dishes. He is expressing the idea that at home he is a member
of the family, but in yeshiva he is himself . . . a person. A
wise mother will bite her tongue and not call him an
ungrateful wretch. These few years will pass and the children
will be even closer to the parents than they were before. The
same wisdom will serve her well when her daughter insists on
going shopping with friends. Instead of the mother saying
that she has bought her clothes since she was born and knows
what suits her and where the best place is to shop, she
should just tell her that she trusts her to get the right
thing. If she feels that she is trusted, the girl will
probably take the garment back if it is completely
unsuitable.
Sometimes a kind word at the right time will be appreciated,
even if the child does not react to it. For instance, your
daughter is doing the dishes ungraciously, with a sour
expression on her face, after you have told her firmly that
it is her job today. When she has finished, you could say, "I
noticed that you found it difficult to do the dishes today
and I therefore appreciate your help all the more." She will
not reply, but the words will be balm to her tormented
spirit. Tell them about your own problems when you were that
age. Again, there will be no response, but it shows empathy.
Some parents tell the child, in private of course, during a
calm moment, that it is his choice whether to spend so much
energy on anger and frustration or whether to meet the
challenge of being a teenager head on, and overcome it. Your
words will find their mark sooner or later.
Acne does not improve the child's appearance and many
teenagers are extremely conscious of their looks. When a
small spot can be a major event, a face full of spots might
be the end of the world. There are so many effective remedies
to keep it under control, that mother can either obtain a
recommended medication and put it on the child's bed, or she
can advise him to go to a doctor or to a druggist. For girls
there is always discreet makeup. Some lucky teenagers do not
suffer from skin impurities.
While you are thinking that this child will never be normal
again, slow subtle changes are taking place and your ugly
duckling is gradually turning into a beautiful swan. If, for
any reason, the child is not conforming at all and there is
absolutely no communication between you, do not blame
yourselves. Teenagers who have read all the articles on child
care, may throw accusations at you such as, "If you had not
done/said such and such when I was nine . . ." or "You should
have let me . . . when I was twelve" will emphasize your
inadequacy. Do not fall for this line.
We are all human, we have done our best, the way we knew it
at the time. Even if you were over critical or expected too
much of him, it is not too late to make amends. Show the
child respect, listen to his opinions, however outrageous
they might be, love him and love him, even if you get no
response. Above all, DO NOT CRITICIZE HIM at this stage,
however often you have to grit your teeth. If he will permit
it, a pat on the shoulder or a short hug is a good expression
of your affection, but not all people this age want physical
contact. Discuss neutral subjects with him as you would with
another adult. By the time they get married, these children
will hopefully be loving members of the family again and will
have forgotten most of their pontificating when they knew it
all, and you knew nothing. May all our teenagers become well-
balanced normal adults, anxious to keep Torah and
mitzvos to follow in the tradition of their
parents.
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