Part IV
This time: Distribution of labor and the feeling of
individuality within the big family.
We hear from Hadassa, Yaffi, Rochy, Rebbetzin Chana. Zissi
and Yehudit, mothers and daughters of families blessed with
many children. All the names are fictitious; no one agreed to
be interviewed under their own names.
For Whom Is It More Difficult?
"It's more difficult coping, in my opinion, when there is a
small number of children at home," says Hadassa, the daughter
and mother of large families. "When there are only small
children at home, the tasks seem like an insurmountable
mountain but when there are blessedly ten children or more,
among them older children as well, it's easier to manage with
the totality of a large family. There's with whom to share
the burden.
"I meet mothers of large families and ask them: 'How do you
manage?' And they answer me: 'I don't!' but with such a broad
smile of happiness. They don't manage but they're not afraid
and they're not fazed. At my house, each one of the children
contributes his share and there's harmony.
"I relied primarily on the eldest daughter in the family
who's the main helper. When she got married, it seemed that
my world was falling apart, but then the next oldest took
upon herself the tasks that became available. My oldest
assumed cleaning the house; my standard is lower than hers
and I am satisfied with much less than she. It's a matter of
priorities. From birth to birth, the level of scrubbing goes
down if we're talking about things of lesser importance.
"The mother of a large family in actuality does much less.
The children shop, clean, help cook and help take care of
their younger siblings. The mother maintains equilibrium and
harmony in the home, makes sure to listen, speak and knows
about what is going on with each one, what's bothering
him/her and what is making him happy — just like the
personnel manager of a factory.
"I heard about a wonderful family that besides being blessed
with many children, also welcomed into their home one set of
elderly parents whom they are caring for. Their 12-year-old
daughter went to buy shoes for her 2-year-old sister and
everyone was satisfied. Children who fulfill their household
duties are the most satisfied because they feel like they're
making a contribution, that they're holding down the fort.
"In this way, they're helping their father learn, even though
he also tries to help and enable their mother to fulfill all
her roles because she often works outside the home. At home,
the mother has an administrative role. She goes out of the
house less, she worries more about creating a good atmosphere
and sees that the children are happy and healthy, emotionally
and physically. She sets the tone and emphasizes what's
really important.
"When I was a teenager, we had a clearly defined distribution
of tasks. I was responsible for the little children and my
big sister took care of the house. That was of significant
help to my mother. One time, just before Pesach, I suddenly
felt like there was an insurmountable mountain in front of
me," says Hadassa. "Today, right after Purim, I call the
children and say to them, 'Children, Erev Pesach is
approaching. Let's see what we have to do.' I don't have to
plan the details; they'll already divide the tasks up between
them and determine a timetable for themselves.
"I don't have to stand over them to do something; they
manage. Today, everything gets done together. At most, I make
up a list of tasks and hang it in an obvious place. Everyone
reads it and zeroes in on what suits him. Erev Pesach is a
holiday for all of us. If I see that there isn't enough time,
I steer them away from renovations and polishing and focus on
getting rid of chometz. That's my job as a mother.
"They come to me with ideas about housepainting, renovations
and decorating and I decide what's relevant and practical and
what isn't. There's no need to ask or to yell. Everyone feels
that we're in this together and enjoys it. If only we weren't
anxious and just gave them a chance, they would do everything
they had to willingly and even happily because they feel that
it's their responsibility."
Principles and Priorities
"A pleasant home, full of pleasant experiences, a happy
place," is how Yaffi describes her parents' home. The eldest
daughter of a large family, she is already the mother of many
children. "After the birth of a new baby, we always felt a
special joy. Our home was filled with activity and
excitement, brimming with life, always full of children and
guests. We were a large group of girls and together there was
a special atmosphere of happiness. There were many friends
and shared experiences."
Who raised your younger brothers and sisters?
"The only one to raise the children was Ima. Of course, my
mother rested two hours every day and then it was our job to
look after the children but that's not called educating them.
She's the one who put the little ones to bed, told the
bedtime story and got them dressed in the morning. She did
their homework with them. Housework was our department."
"Who raised your children - you or their older siblings?" we
asked the rebbetzin, who answered resolutely. "In my opinion,
a child cannot raise another child. A child doesn't have the
outlook, and certainly not the experience of a parent. A
child sees that his sibling did something bad and decides
that he deserves a harsh punishment or scolding, but he can't
look at the big picture. Even the older sibling shouldn't be
turned into a parent.
"A child needs his childhood. Sometimes people burden a six-
year-old with taking his three-year-old brother to the park
or the baby to the babysitter. These tasks are too big for
their little shoulders. Even if they were born into a large
family, they need their childhood. They have rights and
responsibilities just like every child, within appropriate
limits. When my children were young, I didn't go out to
shiurim or other events. I didn't make them look after
their younger siblings or put them to bed."
Rochi, the daughter and mother of large families: "No
question, the parents have to raise their children. I was the
youngest of the older ones. I received a lot of help from my
siblings but I was raised only by my mother and father. Abba
would help me with homework and I spoke to him often during
adolescence. Ima took care of me personally at every age
according to whatever I needed."
Did you feel you got everything you needed, like an only
child?
"I don't feel that I lacked for anything because I was part
of a large family. I can't say I received the same attention
as an only child would; in every family there are compromises
- sometimes I get and sometimes you get - but I
think that's how a child in a family of five children also
feels."
Rebbetzin, what makes it easier to cope raising such a
large family?
"We had and we still have the feeling of being on a mission.
My husband is a Holocaust survivor and for each child that is
born in our home we say, `This is our revenge on Hitler.'
Every new child brings great happiness. Our family is joyful
with every new baby because every child that is born rebuilds
Am Yisrael anew.
"Practically speaking, we had and we have one principle, that
we buy only according to what we have. I never bought
anything before I had the money to pay for it. That way I
could sleep soundly because I didn't have debts. A person who
lives with debt cannot be happy. Even now, we don't have
checkbooks or credit cards. Baruch Hashem we have
parnassah as we need it. I don't buy a new wig or
dress for every wedding of one of my children.
"I had a few principles that helped me in caring for my
children: In the morning, when the children were learning, I
did the work that required focus, while the afternoons were
devoted to the children. At most, I did things that I could
do while listening to the children or answering questions
— like ironing. The rest of my chores I postponed till
the evening or next morning.
"One principle that may sound outdated to young mothers is
that the little ones stayed in bed or a playpen until they
were two years old. In my opinion, there are too many dangers
on the floor. A little child discovers what there is at his
eye level like Lego parts, beans that have fallen etc.,
hairpins and so many dangerous things he's liable to put in
his mouth. He also wanders around between the legs of his
older brothers and sisters and causes them to get annoyed
with him. When he's in bed or in a playpen, he's not lonely,
he gets full attention, and his older siblings enjoy playing
with him since he doesn't bother them. I think my children
were happy."
[Both your editor and the translator take exception to this
practice and feel that children will develop far better if
they are given freedom to explore. A mother must be on guard
because that is her job and she should sweep a few times a
day!]
[Proofreader comments: Impossible. With five kids under six,
there's always stuff on the ground. A central playpen is a
life saving idea.]
"The most important principle in my opinion is planning a
daily time and work schedule, each one according to his needs
and condition. For me, neatness is an inborn trait, so I
don't deserve any credit. I am grateful that I enjoy running
things like clockwork and that this is innate, since it helps
me run a big household in a small area. A small number of
cupboards that we managed to fit in the house have to hold
everything and that's because they are perpetually organized.
Therefore, everyone can find his things.
"I have trained my children from birth to be on an organized
schedule and a planned day. There are regular hours for
eating so the children come to the table really hungry and
eat with appetite. When we married off children, their
siblings got up for school the next day. People asked me how
I did it, and how I do it in general: I answer that I don't
do anything. I don't wake them up. They get up themselves
because that's what they're used to. Here the personal
example of the parents is important so that the children grow
up organized as well. An organized house helps keep big
families organized and creates calm for everyone."
[to be continued]
