There is an expression that goes something like, "Fools rush
in where angels fear to tread." I am afraid that what I am
about to share with you will put me squarely into the
category of the confirmed foolish, but I feel it is so
important a subject that I am willing to take that chance.
Someone mentioned that a former schoolmate of my son has
recently gone into shidduchim. He is a very good boy.
Since I know many wonderful girls who are also at that stage
in life, my ears perked up. I asked what type of girl this
young man is looking for. I was directed to a member of the
young man's family who is doing all the research and making
all of the arrangements.
In answer to my question, I received the following rather
terse answer: "The usual. Fine character, good family, the
right schools. Looks aren't so important, but she can't be
fat." It wasn't much, but he said it all. And this young man
is not alone.
I grew up in the aftermath of World War II when survivors
were subconsciously or sometimes consciously force-feeding
their children. No one could blame them. They remembered that
it was the fat children who had had the best chance of living
through the unspeakably horrible ordeal that was then freshly
behind them.
There was an expression that was used in those years to
describe overweight children. They were called, "pleasingly
plump." Today, pleasingly plump is an oxymoron. It does not
please anyone to be overweight. Not the person with the
weight problem, not the parents and certainly not possible
shidduch prospects.
What are we doing about this? Many young women are naturally
thin and they never have to deal with the problem. When it
comes time to go out, they have relatively few issues in the
"looks" department. They do have to concentrate on what to
wear, how to fix their hair and how to apply their makeup in
the most flattering manner.
But what about the girl who is overweight? Describing her as,
"She has such a pretty face," or "She carries her weight
well" just doesn't do it. The boy's family probably has a
list a mile long and they are used to these code expressions
for overweight. Chances are they won't do any further
research.
Sometimes, if the weight issue doesn't come up naturally, the
questioner may even ask, "Tell me, does she wear a size six?"
If not, then not. The girl may have the best middos,
be descended from the most prominent of families and have
sterling recommendations from all of her teachers and
friends. The conversation still ends with, "Well, thank you
for your time. Good-bye."
So now we have the problem. Even 25 extra pounds today is a
shidduch taboo. What is the solution? One thing that
almost never works with an eighteen-year-old girl who has had
a weight problem for as long as she can remember is nagging.
Even subtle hints like, "Look at this great new diet I got
from my friend," can result in a slammed door as the young
lady leaves the room post haste.
There is an old joke, "It is easy to stop smoking. I've done
it thousands of times." It is much the same with losing
weight. Yo-yo dieting is frustrating and does not get you
anywhere. Crash diets are very dangerous for teenage girls.
They can lead to food obsessions, health problems, and even
endanger a young woman's chances of having children.
There is no easy "fix." A post-seminary girl cannot expect to
shed a quarter or a third of her body weight in the time that
a shadchan stands on one foot.
I would like to propose that families of girls (and sometimes
boys, also) who are overweight in childhood, consider
changing their entire family's eating patterns. You can't
single out the one chubby child and tell her/him "No more
potato chips, brownies, ice cream and candy bars for
you." It has to be a team effort.
Why am I bringing this up now? We are now post Pesach. During
that one important week of the year, many of us are in the
"from scratch" mode. We use very little in the way of
prepared foods. Somehow, we manage to get through the week
with simple desserts like baked apples, poached pears, fresh
fruit salad, watermelon and frozen bananas.
For Shabbos and Yom Tov, we may bake some family Pesach
specialties, but generally they are light chiffon or sponge
type cakes, they don't have frosting, and since there are
lots of people around the table, everyone gets a very small
piece.
Why not carry this forward into the coming year? Junk food
isn't good for anyone. It is empty calories derived from
sugars and fats. Who needs it?
Let's redo our menu plans. I know that everyone and her
sister serves potato bourekas with creamed mushroom sauce as
the first course at sheva brochos, but why not have a
fresh vegetable salad with low-fat toppings like fresh sliced
mushrooms and sprouts instead? And for the main course,
instead of fried schnitzel, how about a stir-fry of non-
breaded white meat chicken strips with onions, celery,
zucchini, carrots and lots of other vegetables?
Now for the side dishes. Green beans taste just fine steamed
or prepared in tomato sauce. They don't have to be saturated
with margarine. And potatoes can be baked and served right in
their skins. They don't have to arrive at the table swimming
in grease. You get the picture. We can all cut down on fats
and sugars. It isn't just a way for the overweight among us
to lose some extra pounds. It is a heart-healthy way for
everyone to eat.
Now for another suggestion: The ideal way to lose weight is
to exercise, and one of the best exercises is walking. If a
young woman does get to her mid teens with a weight problem,
she can find a walking partner and go out for a brisk daily
early-morning or early-evening walk. I used this method
almost twenty years ago to get rid of the extra poundage I
had been schlepping around for years. My oldest son was six
months away from the age that most of the boys in his yeshiva
enter shidduchim.
I had put on ten extra pounds with each of my last four
pregnancies and I was now huffing and puffing my way through
early middle-age. My goal was to buy a nice, stylish dress
for my son's wedding — and not in the fat lady's
department. For forty-five minutes, every morning except
Shabbos and Yom Tov, for many, many months, I put my youngest
son in his stroller and walked briskly around my
neighborhood. On rainy days, we drove to the nearby shopping
mall and did our walk inside.
It worked! I'm still not reed-thin, but by the wedding, I was
35 pounds lighter. Of course, the walking wasn't the whole
story. I slowly modified my eating pattern during that period
and have been eating a more healthy diet ever since. Somehow,
when you know that it is going to take a week or longer to
walk off that box of chocolate truffles, they don't look
quite as appetizing!
I know some wonderful overweight young girls who have gone
into shidduchim with the announced attitude, "I'm an
up front person. What you see is what you get." When their
parents put out the word that they were looking, but the
telephone failed to ring, they consoled themselves that they
were still young and they had time.
It wasn't until their mid-twenties that they took a long hard
look in the mirror and started slimming down. But the problem
was that by that time, most of the men their age had already
married. Of course weight is not the only thing that can
stand between an eligible young lady and the chuppah.
But when dealing with a delicate equation, why factor in a
well-known drawback?
This is truly a very difficult subject, and I apologize to
anyone and everyone whose feelings I may have hurt. But I
feel very strongly that it was worth penning these ideas even
if just one family takes these long term family eating-
modification suggestions to heart and just one girl is spared
the heartache of going into shidduchim at a weight
that is considered unacceptable by today's rigorous—-
albeit more- than-a-little ridiculous—-"standards."
