Question:
Dear Shadchente,
Usually your column deals with shidduchim. I wondered
if you could speak "from the vantage point of a
shadchante"? After suggesting, calling, recalling,
encouraging, checking, etc. when a shidduch does not
go through, there is a certain let down feeling. True the
shadchan is not one of the principal players, yet by
virtue of her calling she gets involved with people,
emotions, finances, and many other personal aspects of
people's lives.
Instead of being the butt of many a bad joke, I think it is
time for parents and the children to show appreciation for
the shadchan even when the suggestion does not work
out.
Did anyone stop to think about how much time, money, energy,
the matchmaker is investing in a match? Well I would like to
suggest that the world at large get to it and show more
understanding and appreciation for the much maligned
matchmakers!
Thanks,
Please sign me
Worn out by my efforts but will hopefully try again
Answer:
Lack of Appreciation
I did actually once get a nice present from an almost
completed shidduch. The boy backed out at the last
minute. In appreciation for my efforts, the girl bought an
expensive silver-plated serving dish decorated with golden
flowers. We use it for Pesach, especially to decorate the
table by the seder. When we look at it, we remember
how thoughtful that girl was . . . How many think of buying a
present for a shadchan who worked hard despite the
fact that the shidduch didn't work? The exception to
the rule.
Yes, we would love to get all the gratitude we feel we
deserve for our efforts . . . Especially when we go out of
our way trying to help someone. Above all, when it was a
particularly difficult job to do, who wouldn't like a
friendly pat on the back with a smile, a kind word of thanks
(or a present is even better)?
We would like to hear how the other side recognizes all that
the mitzvah entailed, every step of the way. But appreciating
the good done for us, showing gratitude, is a trait some have
developed and others simply haven't. The second list is
longer then the first!
When we deal with people at large, we have to know that we
won't always get the gratitude we feel we deserve. We need to
keep it in mind especially when the favor required effort,
energy and deep consideration. So what do we do? How do we
deal with this disappointment?
The daughter of a great baalas chessed gave a great
tip on the subject. "When my mother helped people, they often
had complaints. Why did she help them in `this way' and `not
that way'? Why couldn't she also help their relative?" This
tzaddekes used to say then, "Better to be hit with a
soft stone then a hard one." In other words, "Yes, I'll
probably get criticism. Better there should be small
objections and not big ones . . . But that I'll get protests
— that's a given . . . "
It might sound like a pessimistic attitude, but I heard a
similar idea in the name of the Chasam Sofer. Frequently,
precisely when we do a favor we get negative feedback, rather
then approval. Why? Because to admit the good done for us
means that we have to recognize that we had a lack. It is
very humbling to do so. Who wants to admit that they really,
really needed help? Doesn't it feel better to be self
sufficient, even if it's not the full reality? It's much
easier to downplay what was done for us — "It was her
job", "She got paid for it", "The mitzvah fell in her lap; it
came her way, anyway", "What else could she have done? She
couldn't say no," etc. Otherwise the person who was benefited
will have to feel indebted. No one likes to owe favors . . .
The bigger the act of kindness, the more obligations it would
entail . . .
Why do a Chessed?
Inasmuch as the beneficiaries do not necessarily recognize a
favor, we have to ask ourselves why we are doing it. What is
our intention? To get recognition? That won't always work.
Obviously there is great satisfaction in doing a mitzvah. And
once we are in it, why not try the best way we can? There are
no limitations to how much we can perfect our character,
developing patience, sensitivity, kindness, etc.
But on the receiving end, it is not up to us. How the
beneficiary will receive the goodness is his department. A
public figure told me that he doesn't expect much from
people; so when they are nice, it is a pleasant surprise.
A famous shadchan is known to say that when you do
things lesheim Shomayim, you can't worry about how
others will think or judge you! How many times have I been
told, "If you just pushed it more he would reconsider,"
"That's all you can do for me?"
How many times have I thought that after going through so
much together, having been there for them with all my heart,
that the feelings were mutual and there was true friendship.
Finally, I realized that once I was not needed anymore, the
person just disappeared!
At the same time, if we ourselves develop a sense of
gratitude, we might not be making the world a better place
for others to live in. But it doesn't hurt to do what's
right! How often do we criticize in others what we lack? When
I call a shadchan on behalf of someone, will I treat
her the way I would like to be treated? You might think: of
course. But it's not so simple.
"Maligned Shadchan"
I agree with you that in general people do not think highly
of matchmakers. But I have to internalize that the reason I
do it is not for people to praise me. I do it because there
is a need and I can be a helpful go-between in this area.
Unfortunately, people often have "horror" experiences with
this or that matchmaker. Well there are incompetent and
insensitive professionals in all areas. I won't change the
bad name the professionals might have. Everybody else that
contributed to the bad name of the profession has their own
account with others and with Hashem to deal with. But I have
to make a reputation for myself — I can only do what is
up to me.
The trick here is to try to separate our feelings, not to get
too emotionally involved. I don't mean to push away positive
feelings like empathy and caring, just that everything should
be in measure. We should realize that we are dealing with
people who are human and have faults — just like we
also have faults and can only try to do what we can.
"Why didn't you answer the phone? Why didn't you call me on
erev Shabbos?"
Don't they realize that I also have a life? No they don't
— when someone is so caught up in a goal, they don't
understand where the other person is coming from, especially
if they are single and don't have any idea of the pressures
of running a family and erev Shabbos preparations.
If I am able to judge this person favorably, rather then
getting hurt, I will avoid a great amount of aggravation. The
same is true with gratitude or, more often, the lack of it.
Ideally, although it is very difficult we should try to
overlook the lack of appreciation.
For one thing, shadchonim often only get payment if
the couple gets engaged, while all the effort seems to have
gone in vain if the relationship didn't work out. Yes, they
are not marrying each other but we are bringing both a step
closer to their real salvation. And for some reason, both the
shadchan and the couple had to experience the
unsuccessful situation, for they were meant to learn
something from it — like in everything in life.
What I can say to you is to keep trying. If you think what
you're doing is right, that you have the best in mind for
both, don't withhold yourself from making the suggestion.
They might say "no" and simply push aside your efforts
— that's true. But if you think negatively you'll never
be successful!
A shadchan often has to be assertive and daring. The
way I look at it is that I try, and if it is meant to be,
there will be Divine Assistance. But with all the effort and
good will in the world, if it is not meant to happen, it
simply won't! But if I don't follow through a certain
suggestion, if I don't do my hishtadlus to be helpful,
the couple won't lose out.
If it's meant to happen, Hashem will simply find other
messengers. But why should I lose out in the mitzvah?
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that all
names have been changed unless specified with the exception
of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: dytravis@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
