Part II
What do you say to a new mother who has just given birth to a
baby with Down's syndrome? What kind of Mazel Tov do you
give? What do you say to a parent who has just lost a
child?
"For good and empathetic communication, we are required to
understand the other person — where he is at that
moment, according to the messages that he's transmitting:
acceptance, introversion, denial, and to go with whatever
fits him," professionals explain.
An Elephant in a China Shop
Sima (a pseudonym) had a baby with a birth defect, spina
bifida, who also had a cleft lip and palate. This kind of
birth defect indicates a lack of folic acid in the embryo.
Sima was immersed in grief. When her sister-in-law arrived in
the hospital to visit her, she said to her callously: "You
see, I told you to take folic acid and you didn't listen to
me. You thought you were smart. It's too bad you didn't
listen to someone with experience."
After her sister-in-law left, Sima decided she didn't want
any more visitors. No one should set foot in her room and
sting her with her comments. Even when she went home, she
isolated herself and coped with her difficulties alone.
*
"The callousness of 'I'm going to say what I want to say,' is
catastrophic!" Yehudit Shulam says in shock, "When we deal
with the other person tactlessly, we're like an elephant in a
china shop. 'What did I do?' asks the hurtful person
tactlessly. 'Is it my fault there's china in this shop?' It
is your fault. If you're like an elephant, stay out of china
shops.' "
And to tell the truth, if there are people who are aware of
their hurtful words, it's better if they don't do what they
do. We're not only required to visit the sick and comfort the
bereaved, we're also obligated to make the other person feel
good! To share his burden, to give with consideration.
Shulam suggests: "If through personal awareness, you discover
that too many people are hurt by you, instead of saying,
`She's too sensitive; she doesn't understand,' say, `I hurt
people! Let's see why people are hurt by me. How is it that I
went to someone innocently and said what I said and she made
a face?' "
If you come to the conclusion that you don't know the reason
and you don't have the skills in a particular area, she
offers two suggestions: One — say: This is who I am and
at the moment, I can't change but at least I won't go into a
china shop; I won't enter situations where my "elephantness"
will be dominant.
The second suggestion: Take lessons in "verbal dieting" or at
least learn to move gently before going back into the shop so
that you don't once again damage fragile things. The next
time you want to `enter a shop,' check if your negative
character trait has diminished.
In any case, a person has to take responsibility for the
destructive reactions that he causes. If one only wants to,
there are ways to learn how to be with people who are going
through a crisis. On the other hand, if I'm the owner of the
china shop and people come in acting like elephants, I should
put bars around my wares. When someone picks at my wounds, I
should gently say to him: "Excuse me, perhaps you didn't
notice, but you're stepping on my corns and it hurts."
One can do this in a number of ways. The goal is to take
responsibility and say: "What you're doing isn't
appropriate." A person has to be aware of his feelings, his
limitations, and direct the other person to what's good for
him.
One can also change the subject. If for example a woman is
walking with a Down's syndrome baby, and someone comes up to
her on the street and makes a comment, the mother doesn't
have to automatically defend herself, fall apart or argue.
She can say, "No thanks." or "I heard you." It's a shame to
waste energy on everyone who makes comments, to argue or try
to change him, especially when you're sensitive and in the
midst of a delicate situation.
There are three categories of people you have to relate to:
One — people you don't care about and can't expect to
show consideration. The second group — people whom you
do care about and are important to you: guide them to the
best of your ability, direct them so that they don't trip
themselves up in a discussion with you. The third group
— people who are important to you but whom you can't
guide: put up protective bars; barricade yourself from the
hurt.
Assertiveness with Consideration
"An assertive person knows how to define what is good for him
and what he wants," explains Mrs. Henia Loberbaum. "He is
aware of his wants and his needs and he is capable of clearly
and directly expressing them. He will try to get them but not
at any cost and with consideration for the next person. He
feels he has the right to say `no' without feeling guilty,
the right to ask and the right for privacy.
"With assertive behavior, you are who you are; you live your
life while honoring yourself and others. That's how one can
make changes. The problem is, that compared to those around
you, you have different responses, especially when someone
behaves in a tactless manner towards you. How should you
really respond?"
Mrs. Loberbaum names three personality types: Passive,
aggressive and assertive. The passive type feels used, hurt,
anxious and unhappy. He lets others decide and choose for him
— and is incapable of standing up for his rights. The
aggressive person dominates and uses others. He attacks and
humiliates, attains his goals at the expense of others and
interferes in the decisions and choices of others. In
contrast to them, the assertive person has self confidence,
expresses himself emotionally and socially, decides and
chooses for himself, stands up for his rights and those of
the next person. He respects himself and others — "Let
the honor of your friend be as dear to you as your own."
For example:
Malka has eight children and the oldest is married. On
Shabbos and Yom Tov, the young couple and their children stay
with her. She enjoys it but lately, it has been difficult for
her to have them. Her youngest was born prematurely, and
caring for him has used up all her physical and emotional
strength. Malka asks her daughter to let her know on
Wednesdays if she wants to come for Shabbos so that she can
organize herself. Her daughter forgets and calls her only on
Friday morning to let her know she wants to come (obviously
without consideration).
The tired mother doesn't have time or energy. Her possible
responses are:
1. With an angry tone — "Why didn't you let me know on
Wednesday like we agreed?!" 2. "I'm very sorry, I don't think
I can have you for Shabbos. I've already finished cooking.
I'm really very sorry . . . " and then she'll feel guilty or
say, "Alright, if you're stuck then come," and then feel
taken advantage of. 3. "I'm sorry it won't work out this
Shabbos. Maybe we'll make a date for another Shabbos?"
Loberbaum clarifies: The first response is aggressive.
Aggressive people don't think about the feelings of others.
She knows her rights and stands up for them but the rights of
others are blurred. This is an egotistical type who doesn't
consider others. Although she tries to show confidence, her
self-image is low. She sometimes tries to be nice and keep
her feelings inside but in the end, they erupt in anger.
The second response is passive. The passive person doesn't
see herself at all. She relinquishes her needs to those of
the other person. She seems tolerant and kind but in the end,
she feels angry. She feels taken advantage of; sometimes
she'll feel emotionally and physically exhausted because from
all her consideration for the other person, she didn't
consider herself. She is characterized by apathy, passivity,
acceptance through compromise and despair, guilt and shame.
She doesn't dare ask, demand, initiate, connect, stand up for
her rights, refuse, or try to realize her desires or
ambitions.
The third response is assertive: the person is aware of her
needs and wants, shows caring for the other person, explains
herself, offers constructive suggestions as solutions. This
is the basis for positive communication, there's room for
both sides and both are left with a good feeling.
When you are assertive, your feelings will be positive,
pleasant, calm, self-confident, considerate, caring, loving.
But when you're passive and quiet because you don't know how
to express yourself, you'll be angry, hurt, anxious and
bitter. Assertiveness requires self-awareness to discover
where your strengths lie, what makes you feel good and where
you want to change. Only in this way can you build with
people, both close and distant, a positive system of
communication.
