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5 Iyar 5766 - May 3, 2006 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family

A Social Life
by A. Ross

Not all parents appreciate visitors every single afternoon. Nor do all children appreciate company every day. In fact, many children prefer to go to other people's houses, rather than having friends over to play. It is not always easy for a mother to host two or three friends when they follow your son as he comes in from school. They will want a drink and then they will look through his collections or play a game in his room. However, sometimes the game will develop into Hide and Seek around the house. How do you deal with this situation? Furthermore, how do you encourage a child to be more sociable, if he prefers his own company?

It is beneficial for a child who lacks self-confidence, or who is shy and withdrawn, to invite friends to the house. It is just as beneficial for him to visit others, although generally, shy children feel more secure on home ground. It all depends on your living conditions; if you have a large house with many bedrooms and an attic and/or basement, it does not matter if seven or eight children each bring home a friend or two. The average Israeli apartment cannot cope with this influx. The older girl will say that she needs peace and quiet for her friends and herself, to review for an upcoming exam. The little children want to spread out and make noise. The boys want a room where they can play. It will be bedlam.

Some mothers limit guests to once a week, and control the length of the stay. However, it happens frequently that a child turns up uninvited and announces, "My mother said that if you invite me to stay for supper/lunch, I could stay."

If you want your children to become skilled at hachnossas orchim, you cannot really retort that he was not invited in the first place. Incidentally, a woman reported that during the war years, she literally did not have enough food to give her children. Several times a week she sent them to neighbors at supper time, knowing that one cannot let children just stand by while your own are eating. She had come from a well-to-do-home, and was far too embarrassed to admit to the family's destitution.

When a young child visits a friend, it is important for his mother to be at home, unless it is prearranged that she is taking the afternoon off. Actually, for children under five, an hour is the right amount of time, and no longer. The child might want to go home after only half an hour, for no apparent reason. (He may need the bathroom and be too shy to say so.) He may whine and demand food during the whole afternoon, which is frustrating for the host. The two children might start squabbling over trivialities, to such an extent that the host mother is obliged to declare a cease- fire and send the visitor home. This latter applies to older children as well!

Older children often visit, accompanied by one or two little ones. The mother has asked her daughter to take them, thinking that they are such placid children, they will be no trouble! However, the older girl has come to do homework, and has left her feelings of responsibility at home. Thus the host mother becomes a compulsory baby sitter.

Every house and family has its own conditions. There are mothers who encourage the pandemonium on a Sunday afternoon, with resulting chaos. They themselves are outgoing, sociable types, and want their children to be at the center of things. They welcome rehearsals for a show and let their children arrange meetings or a get-together in the house. Nevertheless, these gregarious children should be encouraged to go to other houses occasionally. On the other hand, if some people have a large house and others have a tiny apartment, it makes more sense for the friends to meet in the former.

In the same way as you cannot force a child to go to a friend's house, you cannot compel him to invite others to his place. You could try to ask him why he does not want others to come, but may not get the true answer. He might be an only child, or the only one still left at home, with a room full of games, toys and books, yet despite all this, he still prefers to go out. Perhaps he is ashamed of an older mother; one who is not as young and vivacious as the mothers of his friends are. He will certainly outgrow this phase, yet at this particular stage in his life, it is most important to him.

Children who are painfully shy, may need help as they mature. However, asking them why they never bring friends home to play is not going to make them less shy. If the child is perfectly at ease with himself, and has no hang- ups, reticence is part of his nature, and he will never be the ringleader in the class. It does not always follow that gregarious parents raise sociable children, or that shy parents produce bashful offspring. It is frequently the atmosphere in a home which draws the older children, and a kind, willing mother who attracts the younger children, or rather who encourages neighbors to take advantage of her good nature.

In the 'olden days,' we attended non-Jewish schools, and had non- Jewish friends. 'Associates' is a more fitting term, as we never went to their houses, nor were they ever allowed to visit us. The freedom our children enjoy, with the liberty and lack of restrictions on their social life, has some drawbacks but many more advantages, with opportunities to form lifelong friendships.

 

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