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Home
and Family
A Social Life
by A. Ross
Not all parents appreciate visitors every single afternoon.
Nor do all children appreciate company every day. In fact,
many children prefer to go to other people's houses, rather
than having friends over to play. It is not always easy for a
mother to host two or three friends when they follow your son
as he comes in from school. They will want a drink and then
they will look through his collections or play a game in his
room. However, sometimes the game will develop into Hide and
Seek around the house. How do you deal with this situation?
Furthermore, how do you encourage a child to be more
sociable, if he prefers his own company?
It is beneficial for a child who lacks self-confidence, or
who is shy and withdrawn, to invite friends to the house. It
is just as beneficial for him to visit others, although
generally, shy children feel more secure on home ground. It
all depends on your living conditions; if you have a large
house with many bedrooms and an attic and/or basement, it
does not matter if seven or eight children each bring home a
friend or two. The average Israeli apartment cannot cope with
this influx. The older girl will say that she needs peace and
quiet for her friends and herself, to review for an upcoming
exam. The little children want to spread out and make noise.
The boys want a room where they can play. It will be
bedlam.
Some mothers limit guests to once a week, and control the
length of the stay. However, it happens frequently that a
child turns up uninvited and announces, "My mother said that
if you invite me to stay for supper/lunch, I could stay."
If you want your children to become skilled at hachnossas
orchim, you cannot really retort that he was not invited
in the first place. Incidentally, a woman reported that
during the war years, she literally did not have enough food
to give her children. Several times a week she sent them to
neighbors at supper time, knowing that one cannot let
children just stand by while your own are eating. She had
come from a well-to-do-home, and was far too embarrassed to
admit to the family's destitution.
When a young child visits a friend, it is important for his
mother to be at home, unless it is prearranged that she is
taking the afternoon off. Actually, for children under five,
an hour is the right amount of time, and no longer. The child
might want to go home after only half an hour, for no
apparent reason. (He may need the bathroom and be too shy to
say so.) He may whine and demand food during the whole
afternoon, which is frustrating for the host. The two
children might start squabbling over trivialities, to such an
extent that the host mother is obliged to declare a cease-
fire and send the visitor home. This latter applies to older
children as well!
Older children often visit, accompanied by one or two little
ones. The mother has asked her daughter to take them,
thinking that they are such placid children, they will be no
trouble! However, the older girl has come to do homework, and
has left her feelings of responsibility at home. Thus the
host mother becomes a compulsory baby sitter.
Every house and family has its own conditions. There are
mothers who encourage the pandemonium on a Sunday afternoon,
with resulting chaos. They themselves are outgoing, sociable
types, and want their children to be at the center of things.
They welcome rehearsals for a show and let their children
arrange meetings or a get-together in the house.
Nevertheless, these gregarious children should be encouraged
to go to other houses occasionally. On the other hand, if
some people have a large house and others have a tiny
apartment, it makes more sense for the friends to meet in the
former.
In the same way as you cannot force a child to go to a
friend's house, you cannot compel him to invite others to his
place. You could try to ask him why he does not want others
to come, but may not get the true answer. He might be an only
child, or the only one still left at home, with a room full
of games, toys and books, yet despite all this, he still
prefers to go out. Perhaps he is ashamed of an older mother;
one who is not as young and vivacious as the mothers of his
friends are. He will certainly outgrow this phase, yet at
this particular stage in his life, it is most important to
him.
Children who are painfully shy, may need help as they mature.
However, asking them why they never bring friends home to
play is not going to make them less shy. If the child is
perfectly at ease with himself, and has no hang- ups,
reticence is part of his nature, and he will never be the
ringleader in the class. It does not always follow that
gregarious parents raise sociable children, or that shy
parents produce bashful offspring. It is frequently the
atmosphere in a home which draws the older children, and a
kind, willing mother who attracts the younger children, or
rather who encourages neighbors to take advantage of her good
nature.
In the 'olden days,' we attended non-Jewish schools, and had
non- Jewish friends. 'Associates' is a more fitting term, as
we never went to their houses, nor were they ever allowed to
visit us. The freedom our children enjoy, with the liberty
and lack of restrictions on their social life, has some
drawbacks but many more advantages, with opportunities to
form lifelong friendships.
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