Question: " . . . Shadchonim complain that what
I'm looking for is extremely difficult to find. They say that
I'm picky and that I rule out suggestions for no good reason
. . . I do admit that I'm looking for someone with very
specific qualities, background, nationality, looks,
situation, etc. But who isn't?"
Yossi*
Answer:
Dear Yossi,
In general, shadchonim have good intentions. Try to
think in practical terms if what you're looking for is
feasible. Be realistic — a person can't have
everything. Not all expectations can be met!
Musts
There are so many like Eli* . . . Blessed with a good head
and pleasant disposition, he is one of the Rosh Yeshiva's
favorites. His personality is balanced and he is very mature
about almost everything. That is — everything but
shidduchim.
He very quickly finds reasons to say "No". Some people call
him picky. Certainly, his demands are extremely hard to meet.
She must be a girl between 20-24 yrs. old (he is 30), who
speaks English, has fine middos and similar goals.
Yes, there are lots of them. But if she must be between 160cm
and 165cm, very thin, with green or blue eyes, wealthy, from
the West Coast, a teacher, from a Rabbinic home, etc.,
obviously all those details make the range of available girls
much narrower . . .
There is also the female version. Shoshana* is looking for
nothing less than a rosh yeshiva — but who is a rosh
yeshiva at the young age of between 22-24? He might have the
potential, but if she wants him to get there, she needs to be
willing to do all she can to help him. That she doesn't see;
her focus is only on what she deserves . . .
He has to be a tremendous masmid but at the same time
be available to help her with most errands and practical
aspects of running a home. In addition, she doesn't want any
financial pressures on her. She doesn't see herself working
and her family is not able to help much. She also wants
yichus. All his siblings must be geniuses also and the
girls married to the same type of boys she is looking for.
She is very tall and will only consider someone over 185cm.
How man boys fit all those descriptions?
Maybes . . .
HaRav Matisyohu Salomon shlita said that certain
concerns are universal such as "health, family, and
education." Specifics each person has to figure out according
to their own needs.
If what you're looking for is unreasonable, perhap you should
rethink what you might be flexible about. Try to figure out
what are "musts" and what are "maybes."
A "maybe" is something you would give up if need be. And that
varies in different situations. I didn't consider setting up
Mendy* and Chani,* for although they had a lot in common,
they wanted to live in different countries. Mendy thought
Eretz Yisrael is the place to raise his family, while Chani
was rigid about living near her family in England. Someone
else set them up and they are happily married. Obviously,
when they heard about each other, one of them was willing to
compromise.
While those decisions and priorities get worked out, we
actually learn a lot about who we really are. This
introspection actually brings about a certain amount of
growth and flexibility needed for marriage.
And in the end, I heard many engaged and married people say:
"I didn't get what I wanted, but what I needed!" May Hashem
give us all clarity and siyata diShmaya!
Rebbetzen Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@barak-
online.net or at (02) 656-3111
