They call it the `Plague of the Firstborn.' Frequently,
people complain about their oldest and add with a sigh,
"Well, it's makkas bechoros." What do these firstborn
have in common?
In some homes, they are doted on, cherished, watched over,
admired and loved to such an extent that they cannot develop
normally. They find it difficult to make decisions and may
become over dependent and lack confidence. In other homes,
the firstborn too is doted on and admired but to another
extreme. They are given too much responsibility at a very
young age, and are turned into a surrogate parent while they
are still children. Naturally, they can and should help, but
without too much responsibility. These firstborn are often
little old men or women long before their time. The one
element all firstborn have is that they change the status of
the young couple; they transform them into parents.
Some parents get it exactly right. Their oldest is expected
to do a good deal in the house, whether it is looking after
younger siblings or general household chores. However, this
is in no way at the expense of their social life, or further
education. They are allowed and even encouraged to
participate in extracurricular activities, even if these
clash with `rush hour' in the house. Parents give them their
full support combined with frequent expressions of
approbation when they carry out their duties, whether to
perfection, or even when things do not quite succeed. The
youngest siblings take their cue from this attitude and
continue to respect the oldest brother or sister into
adulthood.
Parents are new to the game when they start a family, when
they turn from a young couple into Father and Mother. They
want to be perfect and a first child will always remain a
first. With subsequent children, the parents are already more
relaxed. They don't have to prove themselves anymore; they
are more confident. With the first one, they try out all
their principles and theories. In fact, firstborns are a kind
of human guinea pig.
It is mainly the firstborn who bears the brunt of a parent's
frustration. For example, a mother who never had sewing
lessons and despises her amateur ability might send her
firstborn girl to learn sewing, without taking into account
that this particular girl is "all thumbs" and has not the
slightest interest in sewing. She hopes against hope that the
girl will change. Parents cannot live vicariously through
their children, but haven't quite learned that with their
firstborn. With experience, parents realize that each child
has a life of his own, and is not an extension of their
lives. They have desires, aspirations and personalities of
their own.
Did the days of "children should be seen and not heard" ever
exist? Children should be consulted and given choices,
according to their abilities. I saw one wise young mother
holding out two bibs to her eighteen-month-old son in his
high chair. "Which one do you like?" she asked. She tied on
the one which the boy chose. Later she explained that this
firstborn was a terribly stubborn baby with fixed opinions.
He had taken a dislike to bibs, but was, as yet, still
incapable of feeding himself without spilling. "If I offer
him a choice, he feels in charge and will let me put it on
him."
Many firstborn children have social problems. A psychologist
who works with young people once gave me a reasonable
explanation for this phenomenon. At home, the eldest is
always at the center of things. A girl becomes her mother's
right hand at a very early age; the little ones look up to
her. S/he is on a pedestal, as it were, and not really `part
of the crowd.' They are a cut above the others. Thus in
school, unless this child is in the center of things, s/he
does not know how to be an ordinary participant. This is not
a good portent for friendship and for a healthy standing
among classmates.
It is wrong to call it a `plague' or even to accede that they
are problems as such. These first babies certainly cause
problems but on the other hand, they give us so much joy. All
our hopes are invested in the first child. When it is a first
grandchild, too, the child has problems! Never has there been
such a child. When will he sit, crawl, walk, talk, learn
alef beis? He is going to set the pace for all
subsequent children .He is the yadstick by which we will
measure the progress and achievements of all the others.
Fortunately, we learn to relax and are not so intense and
ambitious with the others. Nevertheless, there has to be a
first one in each family. It is a pity we cannot exchange
first babies with the others; then we would relax even for
the first one.
To summarize: let them be children, but do not tie them to
your apron strings. Give them a little freedom, away from
home, as soon as they are ready to socialize. Give them
responsibility, but not too much, too soon. Speak to them and
listen to their opinions, too. This applies to all children,
of course. Give them love and warmth. Remember that a ten-
year-old who has six children after him is still only ten and
enjoys a hug and cuddle as much as he always did. Find time
to give it to him/her, several times a day!
R' Ezriel Tauber once told an interesting story: he said that
when he misbehaved as a child, they punished him by making
him recite a few chapters of tehillim. When he grew
up, he decided that he would not repeat a mistake of this
kind with his own children, and would only give them
punishments to fit the crime. He, in turn, became a father,
and brought up his own children. When the oldest son got
married, R' Tauber asked him, "Did you ever get any
punishment which you decided you would never inflict on your
children?"
"I most certainly did," replied the son. The rabbi concluded
that this convinced him that one cannot escape making
mistakes when bringing up children, especially firstborn
ones. Perhaps our blunders will skip a generation and our
children will make new ones. It is a fact of life that
parents are human with human imperfections.
