My mother was a paragon of propriety. I'm not, but there are
a few things that I picked up from her anyway, one of them
being gratitude. This translates into among other things,
sending thank you notes and of course, encouraging my son to
do so as well.
So after his Bar Mitzvah, I sat down with my son who sat down
with a special pen, the cards I had ordered and the list of
presents he had received, and he wrote very heartfelt and
lovely cards.
It's now three months later and as often happens, presents
are still trickling in. As soon as he gets one, I add it to
the list and tell him he needs to write a card. He gets
annoyed but not, bless him, for the reason one would think.
He says it's awkward to give someone a card only after
they've brought a present. What about all the people who came
and didn't bring presents? And if they eventually will, will
we only thank them once they've brought it? He feels funny
trading a card for a present, as if this was some tit for tat
deal. Why couldn't we just have thanked everyone who came?
I considered his words and had to admit they made sense. But
since it would be awkward to send thank you notes to people
who came three months ago, I said we'll adopt the new
protocol next time, but for now, keep exchanging thank yous
for presents.
With his insight, my son has called into question a tradition
that is accepted etiquette but is certainly not Jewish. We
should absolutely thank people for bringing presents. We
should also thank people who just come to share in our
simcha and not wait for them to augment their
contribution with a material gift. What does this say for our
values? What message does this give our guests - "We only
appreciate your coming if you bring something."?
If someone sends a gift but doesn't show up, don't we write
in our note that we're sorry they couldn't attend? Why can't
we show appreciation for the people who did come? Perhaps
others do write these kinds of notes. As I'm meticulous about
buying presents on time, I don't know if I would have
received a thank you note anyway.
Of course this does demand a bit more effort. We can't rely
on gift cards to tell us who was there. Although since
photographers usually are quite thorough at photographing the
guests, between the cards and the photographs and cross-
checking the guest list with whom you remember being there,
that should cover everyone. It also prevents people falling
through the cracks; those who gave gifts but whose card was
misplaced or those who contributed to a gift and weren't
written on the card.
So, once again, my son has inspired me to be more politically
correct, i.e. more of a mentsch. He has reminded me
that people are more important than things. I am very proud
of him and I know, that in the Banquet Hall above, my mother
is too.
