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Home
and Family
Tea and Sympathy
by Rosally Saltsman
I was invited over for lunch to some friends. The husband's
father was over for Shabbos. He mentioned that he had
undergone some dental work, a tooth extraction and he was in
considerable pain. He then said, "I'm looking for
sympathy."
"Oh," I said in my most empathetic voice, picking up the cue.
"I'm so sorry," I said, "that must be very uncomfortable.
You're very brave! I hope you're better soon." He smiled.
Then I commented, "You know, that's really a good idea,
telling someone what you need like that. I personally need a
lot of praise and appreciation." I turned to the table at
large. "You know, so much hurt, so many misunderstandings and
causes for resentment would be eliminated if people just told
others what they want and need. If they knew, most people
would oblige."
The family patriarch hadn't seemed to appreciate the sympathy
any less because he had requested it. On the contrary, he not
only got the requested sympathy but the added good feeling
that comes from being listened to and heard. If I say to
someone, "Do you like my new dress/sheitel/story?"
they know I want them to comment affirmatively and I don't
like it any less when they do even if it wasn't
spontaneous.
Misunderstanding is the greatest cause of grudge-bearing,
sinas chinam and hurt feelings. People may care about
us but many can't read minds, are lacking acute sensitivity
or interpret our statements or questions differently than we
intended. If we just ask for the response we do want, we're
more likely to get it. And if someone makes a comment and we
don't know why it is they told us, we can always ask: "Do you
want praise, empathy or advice?" People will probably respond
very positively to this multiple choice.
And like I mentioned, I always appreciate praise and
appreciation. Just so you can't say, you didn't know.
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