Question:
My son is a quiet boy who talks to his peers, mostly in
learning. Soon he will be in shidduchim age. I'm
worried he might have difficulty making conversation in
dates.
Answer:
Personality Tendencies
The Rambam explained that we all have a certain leaning. For
example, some are natural communicators and outgoing, while
others are introverted . . .
We know of great Torah luminaries who measured their words,
only saying what was absolutely necessary to convey their
message. The timid person has admirable assets: he is
discreet, modest, and doesn't call attention. At the same
time, he knows how to keep secrets and confidential
information.
In order to connect, you don't have to be the biggest talker.
Actually there are "live wires" who blabber, but their
relationships are very superficial.
Someone can be quiet, yet caring and communicative. Some
people express their feelings much more in actions and a
smile than in long sentences . . . The main question is
whether deep down there is concern for others.
Yeshiva Students
Yeshiva students are busy most of the day with their
gemoras. The beis medrash is their second home.
A learning partner is a lot more than someone to learn with.
He is another human being, with thoughts and feelings! Rabbis
are more than teachers and mentors; from the relationship
they have with a bochur and from the way they see him
relating to others, they can have insights on who he is.
Suddenly, the boy starts shidduchim and has to
converse to a girl and try to assess if they are compatible.
R' Yaakov Kanievsky zt'l remarked on the subject, "It
happens often. I've seen it many times. A shidduch is
suggested, and a date is arranged. The bochur doesn't
have experience talking to girls; neither does she with boys.
The young embarrassed couple meet and hardly talk. After the
meeting, both tell their parents that the other was too
quiet. Therefore, negative answers are conveyed to the
shaddchan and nothing comes out. However, they were
meant for each other . . . but unfortunately the
shidduch was not supervised correctly. Since
everything needs preparation and proper handling, it didn't
materialize as Heaven intended.
So what is the best way to prevent such mistakes? The couple
needs previous advice to help the meeting flow more
naturally. I will write some of the Steipler's suggestions of
conversation topics in my next article entitled "First
Date."
He concluded that " . . . some have Heavenly assistance that
although the beginning was not successful, they are
encouraged to try again and then they came to the date more
prepared. But if from the beginning there is
discommunication, the planned Divine match might get
postponed."
Rich Inner World
There are very reserved people whose actions reflect that
they do relate to others. For example, I know of a boy who
hardly talks. But when he is home for Shabbos and Yom Tov, he
is attentive to the family. For example, the mother said he
helps serve if there is a lot of company. In his own quiet
way he also holds the baby, tells a story to the younger
ones, etc.
Another mother mentioned she knew about her quiet son's
incredible hasmoda. She was very happy to hear as well
compliments about his character traits. Being a good-hearted
boy, he tries to treat his acquaintances kindly. Besides
attending their simchos and also empathizing with
their pain, he is also in tune with their smaller needs like
lending out phone cards, and since he is one of the few in
the dorm who speaks English, he reads tape recorder
instructions, etc.
Some find it difficult to talk, because they have a rich
inner life, so intense that the thought process is quicker
than the ability to communicate.
I personally know some whose marriage brought out their
potential. I always wondered who quiet Sheina would marry.
She is extremely bright, probably a very high IQ, and ended
up marrying someone gifted like her. Obviously they are on
the same "wave length." They have a certain level of
connection that probably somehow brings her out a bit more
than with other people. At the same time, if that's still an
area of struggle for her, he can deal with her difficulties
that are preferable to many others that most of us have . .
.
Water The Seeds
Accordingly, there are flowers that need some watering and
eventually blossom. Those need more time to open up. On those
situations, my personal experience is that the
shadchan can help as well. If that's the only reason
the other side wants to break up, they might be encouraged
that with a little more patience, the date will warm up. And
the introvert can be also encouraged by feeling that he is
appreciated, his feelings are validated, what he says is
important, etc.
Where is the silence coming from?
If the shyness is due to insecurity and low self esteem, it
needs work. Unless someone feels good about himself, he won't
get anywhere in life.
Others have a hard time connecting because of emotional
blocks. The most common source is not being raised with
healthy relationship models. Lack of emotional stability as
well, especially in childhood, if not dealt with sooner or
later, will reopen old wounds, especially when parents didn't
get along, weren't loving, supporting and were overly
critical.
The most troublesome lack of relationship comes from
indifference. The cold and self-centered have difficulty in
relating to the needs of others, like a child who is stuck on
what he demands and can't understand that there is life
beyond himself . . . If a person can't focus on a friend or
acquaintance, but only his wants and needs, how is he
planning to succeed in marriage?
I have a cousin who realized she is distant; she doesn't care
much for acquaintances outside family. She decided to work on
it and announced to her peers that she was going to say
daily, "Good morning, how are you?" and also at the end of
the day, to wish them a good night. She explained that they
might think it strange at first, and at the beginning it
would probably sound artificial. But she thought that by
repeating it often enough, it will get her to truly be more
focused and concerned about others. I thought it was quite
peculiar, but was overwhelmed by the sincerity. Later on, I
was impressed how my cousin was personable and understanding
about a certain situation . . .
Suggestions
Sometimes a person has to act against his nature, shift his
outlook to the other extreme entirely in order to eventually
get to the middle path, suggest the Baalei Mussar . A
good training for making conversation is to exercise,
practice the skill. A relative or friend is most likely less
threatening than a date. Suggest to your son to get to know
better someone he feels comfortable with. He might feel
really weird at first, uneasy and not thinking that he is
getting anywhere. However, if he succeeds in being more open,
at least at that moment, it will help bring a sense of
achievement — "I can do it." Positive reinforcement
will definitely help him in the right direction.
In addition, books on shidduchim explain the
significance of communication. When we realize something is
important, we might be more willing to make an effort, even
when it's against our nature and extremely difficult.
There are cases where the parents worried so much about how
their child would manage with shidduchim, however, in
the end, the obstacles were overcome better than their
dreams. And, others who might seem easier in theory to marry
off had, indeed, much harder challenges.
To cut a long story short: being quiet is not a blemish . . .
It depends how it will affect marriage. Especially regarding
the capability of making an emotional close bond and function
healthily in a relationship.
We pray daily for Hashem to open our lips, so we can praise
Him. In addition, may He also place the right words in your
son's mouth and help his basheret hear them!
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim and
educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be sent
to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111.
