Stop and Think
Two frum counselors wrote: "I am often asked at
workshops, `What is the most important thing that I need to
know before I start dating for marriage?' Most people expect
to hear, "Look for someone with a good heart," or "Always
look your best -- you never know who is watching you," or
even "Find someone with a good family background." They are
usually surprised by our answer. The most important thing
a person needs to know before they start dating is --
themselves.
People are very busy with tight schedules. We are constantly
on the go, joggling innumerable activities like study, work,
housekeeping, babysitting, etc. Unfortunately, we hardly make
time to think. For the cellular phone, however, we try to
make time. The call may be urgent, maybe this time
it's the shadchon suggesting the right one. In the
same vein, when Pharaoh enslaved us, one of his goals was to
keep us so busy that we wouldn't have time to reflect.
Meet Yourself
How often do we stop to consider who we really are? As R'
Noach Weinberg says, "Introduce yourself to yourself." What
makes you "tick"? What gets you going? That's the wisdom of
living that will get you to channel energies to accomplish
your goals. For if you don't know which tools you have within
you, it's like walking in a maze without any sense of
direction.
Mussar and hashkofo won't help you if you don't
internalize what you hear, if you don't analyze how it
applies to your specific situation. Ask yourself basic
questions. Clarify your innermost thoughts and feelings.
Discern strengths from weaknesses. This process of self-
discovery is looking deeper and deeper into your motivations.
Try constantly to be aware of your particular situation to
help avoid obstacles. A mature person goes through the ups
and downs of life learning from mistakes, trying to become a
better person.
Essentially, to communicate with others, you have to first be
able to deal with yourself. But if you don't know who you
are, how can you expect to get to know someone else at a
deeper level in a life-long commitment?
What Fits You?
Although marriage is the most intimate relationship, try to
think in general of what type of people you get along with
best. Remember which qualities you admire the most. And
reflect upon negative traits in others with which you have
difficulty coping. In fact, Chazal understood that if
a certain trait in someone else bothers you, somehow, you
also have that issue.
Someone asked R' Pliskin: Should a person look for
similarities or for someone who is good at what the other is
not. For example, if Feige is very sensitive, perhaps she
needs someone like her, a very soft, gentle, sweet partner or
would she be better off with someone with more "backbone,"
strength, and confidence? He answered that there are no
universal rules; obviously it depends on their relationship.
If the young man is so strong that Feige will get hurt all
the time, it's not going to work out unless they can relate
and communicate positively with each other. R' Pliskin
reinforced the idea that it's preferable to have as many
common points as possible. It will facilitate mutual
understanding.
You'll be confused unless you try to assess what's good for
you, which suggestions could potentially be compatible. You
can be pressured, go out again and again, make further
inquiries, but you have to be happy deep inside. The
yetzer hora can mislead in different directions. It
can make us reluctant or push for a decision that's not
appropriate. The question is how to get to the truth at hand -
- - for that you need a lot of Heavenly assistance.
R' Pliskin's book Gateway to Self-Knowledge is
excellent and deals with many questions on relevant topics.
Learn how to evaluate pros and cons. Some find it helpful to
go for a walk, others need privacy and silence to think
things through. Do what works for you.
In addition, try to share thoughts with someone close and
understanding. Someone with a "listening ear," who can truly
listen and empathize, is a treasure. Moreoever, Pirkei
Ovos points out that we should find a rabbi for
ourselves. This can be interpreted as being wise and at the
same time humble to know when to ask for advice.
During the date, you and no one else will have to decide how
to communicate with the prospective candidate. Therefore, if
a great suggestion has a difficult point, reflect if you can
handle it and not what the neighbors would think about it. At
the end of the day, when the wedding fun and celebration will
be over, you will be the one to have to establish a
relationship with this person and not your acquaintances.
Liba* was disappointed that Menashe* didn't want to go out
again. Her teacher reminded her of sharing that he spoke a
lot about wanting to dedicate himself to full-time
kiruv, "Is it what you're looking for, Liba? You told
me you really want an avreich. Had he not broken off,
you would have done so in the near future. I had a similar
experience." Liba really opened her eyes and ears, for
Rebbetzin Kohn* rarely shared personal experiences; "I once
went out with someone and he spoke only about his interests,
hobbies, etc. so I asked, `What about learning?'"
Besides the other person being remarkable in many ways, you
have to ask yourself if that's what you want. It's not enough
for others to think he is great. You are looking for your
partner in life! You have to feel good about the
relationship.
Help the Shadchan
I try to meet personally the man and woman going out. Your
rov, Mom or friend can be very insightful of what they think
is best. Nevertheless, I also like to hear directly from the
person involved. Is he looking for yiras Shomayim
because he was told to do so, or is it really important for
him? Will Chana only go for the very best boy in yeshiva?
Maybe she would also be happy with a fine, but more average
boy. Is Feivel really looking for the prettiest girl or it's
only his mother's requirement?
I always ask people -- help me to help you. Give me clues. I
want to have an idea where to look, who to look for... If you
don't know who you are and what you want, how do you expect a
shadchan to figure it out?
Names have been changed.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: tR'isdn@barak-
online.net or at (02) 656-3111.
