Mr. and Mrs. Greenberg came to see me with their son Rafi
(not their real names). They whispered that Rafi, an eleven-
year-old, has been going through a difficult time. They felt
he was very angry about something, though they were not sure
what it was. Mr. Greenberg said Rafi doesn't talk a lot. Mrs.
Greenberg interjected, "He's a mouse, he does not
communicate." I recommended a graphological evaluation.
Sitting privately with Rafi, I asked him to write something.
He shrugged his shoulders, indicating he did not know what to
write. I suggested, "Write whatever you like." He just
sat there. I realized that some 'first aid' was necessary. I
looked for a treat in my desk and handed it to him. Seeming a
little more relaxed, he took the chocolate bar and slowly
started writing with one hand, while blocking his mouth with
the other. I told him his writing was great and asked if it
was okay with him if I spoke with his parents. He nodded his
head in agreement.
Out of Rafi's earshot, I asked his parents if he had had any
difficulty with the bottom of his right foot. Mrs. Greenberg
glanced at Mr. Greenberg, quite surprised. She said that when
Rafi was nine years old, scalding, cooking oil had spilled on
his right foot and that a rather large scar remained. I asked
his parents if Rafi had spoken about this during the past two
years; they said he had not. Mr. Greenberg said that Rafi's
not mentioning it could not indicate much since they rarely
knew his feelings about most things. He did say that it was
very important for them to know how this unfortunate accident
was indicated in his writing.
I explained. Handwriting analysis can often be useful in
detecting physical malfunctions, disfigurements, etc. There
are telltale signs in the ailing person's writing. We know
today that although the mind of an individual may not be
conscious of any particular disorder, the subconscious keeps
a record of all that takes place. Just as it dictates the
personality, so does the mind react to disorders, constantly
computing when something is amiss. If an issue or a problem
is mended, the signs will disappear from the writing as
well.
But the graphological, or handwriting, signs of physical
disorders are not so consistent as those for personality
traits. Look at Rafi's writing:
Notice the gaps in the letter 'y' (see arrows) on the right
side of the 'downstrokes.' If these letters were superimposed
onto the accompanying chart, the gaps would correspond to the
lower right foot.
Diagnosing physical/medical disorders through handwriting is
still in its infancy. If, for example, a man's left foot is
amputated, a gap, or blotch, in his handwriting may appear on
the left side of the lower handwriting zone, but only now and
again. A 'normal' man would probably not leave gaps there at
all, or not with statistically significant frequency.
However, the frequency (though not 100 percent) is what
graphologists look for.
Look at the letter 'g' of the word get (fourth line); there
is no gap at all. There is no known explanation as to why the
defect shows in only some of and not all of the letters.
However, this situation prevails in most specimens of
handwritings that reveal a gap. In short, irregularity occurs
only occasionally and not in every word or letter. Writing in
a downward fashion is easier than writing upward. Thus, when
a gap appears in downward writing repeatedly, it is
particularly significant.
To learn more about what was bothering their son, I suggested
to the parents that they might want to speak with Rafi's
rebbe and principal. The Greenbergs were informed that when
Rafi was away at camp, an apparently unpleasant incident had
occurred. A boy, who was not very sensitive, embarrassed Rafi
about the scar in front of his entire bunk. The other
children, too, teased him about the scar. One particular boy
still 'had it in' for Rafi. Interestingly, one of the
attributes of Rafi's writing is that it lacks symmetry, an
indication that he is overly sensitive. He probably felt that
he was no match for these kids who were taunting him and,
since he had no tools to deal with this kind of situation, he
did the simplest, common thing, he withdrew emotionally.
Whether most children would have reacted as Rafi did and been
so embarrassed due to the scar is not the issue. Also,
wondering if he could have handled it better if he were not
so sensitive is irrelevant. What Rafi needed to learn was how
to properly react to these everyday, difficult situations,
which are, unfortunately, a part of life.
My suggestion to the Greenbergs was to tell Rafi what we are
taught in Mishlei: "A gentle response deflects anger,"
apparently someone else's, but also one's own anger.
Therefore, one should take notice that when his anger is
overtaking him, he should be silent or speak softly, and not
raise his voice in anger. "For when one raises his voice when
angry, the anger is kindled. However, a low voice and
silence, suppress the anger. Alternatively, one should speak
to, but not look at, the face of the person with whom one is
angry; then, anger will disappear from the heart" (Orchos
Tzaddikim, chapter on Anger).
A few days later, Mr. Greenberg called and spoke with
elation. "It worked! You know, I spoke with Rafi about
everything we discussed. That boy did approach him and Rafi
voluntarily told us during dinner what happened. He said that
the boy had a grin on his face and made some wisecrack. Rafi
excitedly told us that he did exactly what we told him to do.
'It wasn't easy for me,' Rafi said, 'but I spoke softly and I
purposely didn't look at him. I think it really shocked him
that I stood on my own two feet.' By the end of the day, both
kids, my son and that boy, and the others, were playing
together, as if nothing had ever happened."
I remarked that the insensitive boy, initially feeling
superior to Rafi, perhaps wanted to evoke signs of anger,
which would 'prove' his superiority. When Rafi responded
without anger, and without looking at his face, the boy did
not receive the expected response. He thereupon internalized
respect for Rafi when he did not react as he had
previously.
His parents were advised to continue to be as supportive as
possible. The better he feels about himself, the more likely
are his chances of growing up healthy in body and mind. He
was angry because he felt bad about himself when he was
confronted. If he feels positive self-worth, his whole
outlook regarding life will be positively enhanced. Since his
appearance was challenged, letting him choose his own
clothing can have a good effect on him. If need be, plastic
surgery is always an option. Yet these choices are clearly
more external and would probably have limited influence.
Mr. Greenberg continued: "What's even more important to us is
that he communicated, he listened and took our advice. He was
able, for the first time, to let us know how he feels. Do you
know what that means?" "Yes," I answered, "Baruch Hashem, how
lucky Rafi is to have you as parents!"
Rabbi Yoseph Engel is a marriage counselor and author of
Advice for Living (Feldheim Publishers) Graphology
at Home, Handwriting Analysis Self-Taught (Penguin
Books.) He can be reached at: Ÿ0524-248154
