Question:
"I am by nature shy and find starting a relationship
challenging. The first date is particularly stressful . . .
I know some general information about the other person, but
hardly know what to expect. Then I have to on the spot think
of small conversation topics and the quiet moments in between
are quite difficult . . . "
Answer:
Dear "Shy",
What to Expect
Even for extroverts the first date is not easy. As you
express clearly, it's "hard to know what to expect." In one
way or another, people always imagine what the other might be
like, both in appearance and personality. If Reuven's best
friend said Reuven has excellent character traits, you might
imagine him acting like a stereotyped tzadik. If
Yonatan heard that according to the references Malka is
nicelooking, he might expect her to be the prettiest . . .
We learn from Chazal that regarding taste and smell,
there isn't anything to argue about. References have their
opinions; but until we meet the candidate personally, we
can't have fully formulated ours.
Visual images that pop in to our creative minds are symptoms
of "pre-date anxiety". Bina shared: "So your hands are clammy
and your heart is beating to the latest chossosn
v'kalla tune, as you hear about the most amazing guy that
has ever walked this earth. Prior to the first date, you are
already bearing his adorable children, growing old, and then
riding off into the sunset in your wheelchairs. STOP RIGHT
THERE!!! (Screech of wheelchair tires stopping abruptly)."
Even if you're not the type to make too many inquiries, the
shadchon gave you some background information on the
perspective date. If she believes her suggestion is great (or
even if she doesn't), she didn't refrain from praising him
profusely and emphasizing how suitable she thinks the
shidduch is . . . And between the time you actually
hear about him and meet him, days or weeks pass by. You go on
with your life, but it's there in the back or even front of
your mind . . .
"Will he be the one? Or might it be one of those disaster
dates from which I come home crying and wondering what I did
to deserve to be put through such a horrible meeting?"
Take all you've heard and imagined with a "grain of salt".
People give information based on personal impressions.
Reality is more complex than mere descriptions . . . If you
have decided to meet him because the idea, at least on paper,
sounds reasonable, go ahead with an open mind. But avoid
dreams or nightmares of pre-conceived notions. Give the
shidduch a fair chance.
How to Start
"I think that if we would go into dates more open-minded,
more as a listener than an entertainer, we will come out as
better daters." Much as you should think of topics to bring
up, perhaps even more important is being a good listener.
Although you might want to lead the conversation into things
that interest you, be sensitive as well to what the other
person is sharing and asking. Rather than being only amusing
and wanting to sound interesting and personable, try to also
shift the focus to the other person.
The first aspect in starting a relationship is showing
interest in his/her life. Find out about his learning
approach, Yeshiva, work, etc. daily schedule, occupations and
interests. A pre-marital therapist suggests that when not
knowing how to react, at least do some sort of exclamation
like: "I hear . . . "; "Really?"; "Wow!", etc. Moreover, try
to be a mensch even if during the date you decide you
don't want to go out again.
What to Talk About
You wrote about the difficulty of choosing conversation
topics. Even before the meeting, you can think of ideas.
Although you won't be able to consult a list during the
meeting, having written it down will help you came up with
something on the spot, rather than going blank: "What do I do
now? What do I talk about now?"
"Mishpochology", family genealogy, is a good subject
to begin with in getting to know someone. It gives background
information on his upbringing — who married whom, where
are the relatives originally from, family customs, where they
studied, their livelihood, etc. That's the basic foundation,
raw materials of childhood makeup.
General information can be personable enough to lead to other
subjects as well. But at the same time, it can be non-
committal and private. But even then, there is a lot that can
be learned from how the other person expresses himself. For
example, pay attention to how he talks about relatives. Being
family oriented, trying to have a good relationship with
relatives is an important marriage value. It indicates a
husband who will probably be dedicated to his wife and
children as well. Chaya told me that although she had a nice
start of a shidduch with Zevi, eventually she was
shocked at how much loshon horah he said about his mom
. . .
Hagaon R' Kanievsky, zatzal suggested that before the
meeting, they should think of questions like schooling, how
certain subject where taught, how was the last chag in
her house, how her family views certain issues, etc.
Similarly, stories from gedolim, ideas from
mashgichim, and some short vorts, can also be
springboards to stimulate a more fluent conversation.
Regarding the quiet moments — they are present somewhat
in all relationships. It also happens with close relations
with whom we have lots to talk about. Even more so with
someone you met for the first time. Don't blow out of
proportion those uncomfortable moments if in general there
are common interests.
Relationships can look awkward at the beginning. Since both
are usually nervous, conversation doesn't flow easily until
there is a certain measure of easiness and trust. If you're
not uneasy, the other person might be, even if he doesn't
show it. Pretend you're meeting someone for the first time at
a long distance flight, at a dinner table at a simcha
or some other situation. Looking at it from another angle can
help put things in perspective.
In certain circles the shidduch process is quicker and
talking about goal-oriented subjects like what each one
thinks of marriage, is seeking in a partner, etc. is
discussed sooner. Mashi mentioned to me that after dating for
a few months without getting serious in a relationship, she
was surprised when on a first date, Aharon asked her what she
is looking for in a husband. She wouldn't have thought of
such a question coming so early on . . . He didn't mean that
he was already serious. It was just a way to check if they
shared similar marriage aspirations. His answer was so
different than what Masha thought, that it clarified at least
on her side that they were not meant for each other. It's not
necessarily something everyone should do. Just bear in mind
that mentioning hashkafa points, can give a lot of
clarity in the beginning beyond only focusing on "having a
good time" attitude.
The first impressions at this point have the purpose of
checking if there is potential. Therefore, don't break up
unless there is a good reason. Often it's worth giving it
another chance.
Be Yourself
Obviously, you want to make a good impression by being
dressed in Shabbos clothes, coming on time, etc.
Unfortunately, people think of all kinds of "shtik",
in shidduchim. Remember: deceit has "short legs"; it
is uncovered sooner or later. Trying to pretend what you're
not will eventually backfire. Just be yourself —
whatever that means. Try to be as natural as possible. If you
have a healthy self-esteem, you know that you have a lot
going for you! But that is altogether another theme to be
developed in a future article . . .
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: travisdn@013.net or at (02) 656-3111
