|
|
Home
and Family
The Hide of an Elephant
by A. Ross
Someone showed me a piece of elephant's hide recently, and it
was a real eye-opener. The skin is about half an inch thick,
and with one or two wire like hairs embedded in their
follicles, it was a truly awesome sight. When we say someone
is thick-skinned, we mean that he is insensitive. When we
say he has the hide of an elephant, we imply that he is
indifferent to everything and everyone.
Children on the whole want to please. Whether it is in
dealings with their parents, teachers, siblings or
classmates, they learn the social norms fairly quickly in
their young lives, and try to fulfill their obligations,
knowing that it is for their own benefit in the long run. Not
all children jump up when they are called. Nor do all
children put down the interesting book in which they are
engrossed, in order to run and help Mommy. They just feel
that what they are doing is more important at the moment.
They might get reprimanded, and yet they might repeat their
lack of obedience. This is part of growing up. However,
there are some children who are extremely difficult to
handle. They do not 'tick' in the way others do. Neither
rewards nor punishments move them. Admonishments leave them
cold, as does praise. They seem to enjoy picking a fight,
both at home and in school, and are allergic to authority of
any kind.
There are some babies who are so obstinate even before the
age of twelve months, that parents soon learn to avoid a
tantrum by yielding to their wishes whenever possible. Some
parents decide that they cannot let this little tyrant rule
the roost, and will handle him very firmly, hoping that they
will teach him to toe the line. Others, particularly mothers
who have to face the awful consequences when the child is
thwarted, decide to be over lenient. They will offer bribes
which may work for a day or less. Both ways are counter-
productive.
In the first instance, when a parent decides to be severe and
authoritarian, the child seems to be impervious to
punishment. If you deprive him of a treasured possession, he
might hit out at a younger sibling or throw the rest of his
(and the family's) toys out of the window. This sounds
extreme, but has happened! He will gradually become
completely defiant as he becomes physically stronger, and do
exactly as he wishes both inside and outside the house.
On the other hand, if he is treated too leniently without any
limits, so that he has no opportunity to throw a tantrum or
smash things, he will become completely out of hand,
impossible to control. Moreover, in spite of his uncaring
attitude to all around him, this lack of limits will add to
his feeling of being unwanted, and different. He is not
nearly as insensitive as he pretends to be.
Until this child was born, the parents knew they were in
authority. It was a happy harmonious family, with ups and
downs no doubt, but the children were growing up true to
expectation. Now this 'bad' child has arrived, and nobody
quite knows how to handle him. He looks you in the eye in
defiance, as if he were an adult himself. The more you try
to talk to him and reason with him, the stonier his
expression, as if he weren't even listening. Quite so, he is
not listening, his ears are closed to reason. As soon as
parents realize that they have been blessed with a child like
this, they will have to come to terms with the fact that they
cannot treat him as they handled the others. Above all, they
have to agree with each other and not let the child
manipulate them.
If he were autistic, or had Down's syndrome, or any other
handicap with which children are born into the world, parents
would accept him sooner or later for what he is. They would
try to educate him to achieve his maximum potential, and
would tell the siblings that they have a special
neshoma entrusted to them.
However, this obstinate child who seems to have such a thick
skin and is so belligerent towards the world at large, has no
handicap. He is causing havoc in the house (and in school).
He needs even more love than all the others, but that is
easier said than done. He needs freedom above all else, but
then you will never know where he is. A trampoline is a very
useful piece of equipment for him, but unfortunately these
children are terribly possessive. Thus, if you do manage to
acquire one, he should help you formulate the rules. Ask him
what time is best for him. This is a suggestion, and like all
suggestions, it may not work.
When the child has committed some crime, there is no point in
talking to him at all. While he is still very little, Mother
can manage to hold him tight, to prevent him from doing
further mischief. As he grows bigger, Father will have to
restrain him. Do not show any anger, however difficult this
may be, just hold him in a bear hug so that he cannot move.
From experience, this is hard both physically and
emotionally. One of these boys whose parents locked him in
the bathroom in desperation, put the plug into the bath and
turned on both faucets! He emerged defiant and
victorious.
Any parent who is trying to educate one of these children,
can elaborate on smashed doors and windows, among other
stories. However, there are some quiet periods when the
child does not feel that anyone is trying to tell him what to
do. That is the time to speak to him, explaining what you
are trying to achieve. Not with any animosity, but quite
clearly. For example, 'We are not prepared to let you do
such and such. Nor do we allow you to speak in this way. We
are your parents and feel that our way is the correct way.
We are not trying to boss you around in any way, but feel
that this is for your good and also for our good.' All
children need boundaries, however difficult it is to enforce
them. The message will get across that the parents really
mean what they say. That they love him as he is, but that
they have set limits on his behavior.
In very extreme cases, some relative or close friend, who
loves the child and whom he trusts, might agree to let him
come to stay, either for weekends, or even for an extended
period of time. It will have to be someone who does not live
close enough for the child to abscond, and go back home. I
have seen this work very successfully with a boy who now
regards his aunt's home in a different town, as his second,
or even his first, home. He is much calmer there with no
competition for the love and attention he so badly craves,
apart from two baby cousins. He sees that other people
besides his parents have the same values. Nobody tells him
what to do, so he goes to bed when he feels tired. He does
not wash as frequently as he should, but nobody remarks on
it. He has been there for about five years, and because of
his improved behavior there, he feels better about himself,
and so conforms more easily when he is at home. No doubt all
the prayers which were said for him have played a part in the
improvement too.
|
