The government is building a section of the security fence on
the hillside just beyond our neighborhood. It is quite an
elaborate construction job. They have been working on it for
months now and they are still digging up the earth to lay the
foundation. They aren't anywhere ready to put up the actual
barrier.
The very first part of the project was one I can relate to.
They had to decide where to put this segment of the fence.
Obviously, it had to separate our Jewish neighborhood from
the Arab villages on the surrounding hills.
The tricky part was defining the boundary. There is a small
forest in the valley between our hill and the one beyond it.
Before the intifada, if people from our area decided to take
a long walk, they opted for the path that bisects the forest.
Sometimes the children would climb partway up the hill that
begins its gentle upward slope right next to the path.
Apparently, it seemed as good a place as any, so that hill is
where the fence is being built. However, when the project
started, there were no signs put up to proclaim, "On this
hillside, the next link of the security fence will be
constructed." We knew there was going to be a fence but we
didn't know where. Until the day the construction crews
arrived, people in our neighborhood and elsewhere were busy
guessing the probable route of the fence.
I got to wondering whether we could all learn something about
boundaries. It is often hard to decide where one domain
begins and another ends.
We lose patience with our children and tell them that their
behavior is out of bounds, but there is a basic problem in
our logic. We have not defined the boundary.
How is the child to know when s/he has gone out of bounds,
when the boundary itself has not been made clear? We tell
them to stay away from the wrong crowd, but again we do not
define right and wrong.
I think I know the reason for the problem. Just as the
government did not know where they were going to put the
fence until just before the construction started, we
ourselves do not know where we want to draw the boundaries
for our children. When we see the children crossing over
into dangerous territory, that in itself helps us to define
the bounds. In other words, we don't know where the line is
until the children cross it!
How on earth can we expect children to see these boundaries
if we, who are so much older and presumably wiser, do not see
them except in hindsight? Perhaps we have to focus more on
our ultimate goals. The stated goal of the security fence is
to keep terrorists out. Sometimes it creates problems because
it also separates families or keeps workers from their jobs.
In some places, adjustments to the route have been made in
order to solve these problems. In other places, security
would be compromised by changing the route and the government
has had to stand firm and put up the fence despite the
protests.
Jewish parents try to focus on the goal of raising Torah
observant children who will continue the chain of tradition
that began at Sinai. In many instances, today's frum
parents are themselves baalei tshuvah and they know
better than anyone else what happens when the chain is
severed.
They can look at their own siblings or cousins and see the
tragedy of assimilation and intermarriage. They know what
they don't want to happen to their children but they don't
know how to make sure it doesn't happen.
To add an extra dimension to this dilemma, Anglo Jewish
families living here in Israel often have to deal with
adjustment problems that make their children gravitate to
other Anglo immigrants. Whether it is their common language
or the old rule that misery loves company, these children do
tend to find each other.
When we came to Israel, my eight-year-old son brought with
him a large carton of his favorite English story books for
children. He read them over and over again. Then he got the
idea that maybe some of the other boys his age would want to
read his books, so he established a very informal book
gemach.
English-speaking boys who were new neighbors could come over
any time day or evening and borrow as many books as they
wanted for as long as they wanted them. It gave these boys
something in common. They were reading the same stories and
they had something to discuss.
At the time, I felt it was somewhat of a nuisance, but in
retrospect I feel the book library was beneficial. These boys
expressed their nostalgia for the "old country" in a benign
way.
They could have spent their evenings complaining to each
other of the difficulties they were all experiencing in
learning Hebrew, adjusting to the Israeli cheder
system and defining their new identities. Instead, they
talked about whether they would have solved the mystery they
just read in the same way as their favorite character
"Gemorakop."
There was another group of new olim in my neighborhood
who had a different way of coping with their adjustment
problems. They banded together and ended up fighting the
system. Instead of books, they had brought in-line skates
with them when they made aliya. They went skating together on
our main street. This did not endear the new immigrant Anglo
children to the Israeli parents. The skaters were not
welcomed into their classmates' social circles. This further
alienated them. Little by little, these children began to act
up in school. The problems escalated. The parents were called
in to speak to the principal.
By then, the parents realized that their children's behavior
was out of bounds, but it was a little late. It took a lot of
work and effort, and B"H most of them have been turned around
and are now part of the system, but unfortunately, a few
continued to rebel and are now school dropouts or school
throw-outs. If only someone had come along on Day One of
their arrival and said, "Here in Eretz Yisrael, cheder
boys (and Bais Yaakov girls) do not use skates. Please put
them away. Come join the other children. They will show you
their games. You will have a different kind of fun." That
would have defined the boundary before anyone went beyond
it.
There were other young Anglo new immigrants who continued to
dress in the modern clothing they had worn in their previous
communities, unwittingly violating local standards and
crossing a boundary that should have been obvious to their
parents.
The parents could have looked at the neighborhood children's
outfits and then at the clothing on their own offspring and
thought, "What is wrong with this picture?" However, that
didn't happen and again, there was a lot of remedial work
necessary to get the by-then not-so-new immigrants into the
system.
Just as the government is spending months digging a
foundation for the barrier it plans to build, we have to lay
foundations for the boundaries we set for our children.
We have to establish a warm loving relationship with the
children. We have to show them we are fair and reasonable. We
have to show them we respect the Torah leaders of our
generation and follow their rulings.
Most of all, we have to show them that we parents are willing
to give up our former Anglo lifestyles and adapt to the
Israeli culture. That will help us as well as our children to
see the boundaries before anyone crosses them. We can keep
Torah values in and the standards of all of the alien
cultures out. By working together, we and our children can
build the best kind of security fence.
