Question:
". . . I'm the mother of a lovely daughter finishing
Seminary. I have many married children, so shidduchim
is not a foreign subject to me, but she is older than all my
other daughters were when they married, and girls in her
class are becoming engaged at a breathtaking rate, leaving
her feeling more than a little insecure. We've had a few
suggestions from friends/acquaintances, but it seems like
most of them become engaged shortly after we hear the idea.
Could you please give me some ideas/guidance for helping her
cope with the peer pressure and her personal feelings at this
time? Of course we've talked about bitochon and
"hashgacha pratis", but... well, it's hard to
translate theory into peace of mind. She's not the youngest,
and financially we can't come anywhere near "half" of a
settlement (a third, hopefully) — and as soon as
prospective shadchanim hear we can't give 2/3 or 3/4,
their interest wanes. I reassure her (us) that it just means
her bashert is not among the ones with the financial
demands, and I admire her for the real effort she's putting
in to strengthen her own faith and to feel joy for her
friends' simchahs, along with her hishtadlus
(e.g. saying Tehillim). I'm sure I'm not the only
mother in the "twilight zone," so perhaps you could share
some of your advice on this "normal phenomenon" in your
Yated column. I can't help worrying that if the
pressure she's under now is so heavy; it may influence her
when she meets someone, leading her subconsciously to
overlook real incompatibilities because of her need to keep
up with her class. Is my worry realistic? Should I just trust
that Hashem will protect her from poor judgment and that
whatever happens is so destined?"
Answer:
I have to start with praise for your clear and honest
expression of the "normal phenomenon." I am sure many readers
could have written a similar question. Being a mother in the
"twilight zone" is painful. An older single defined it as a
roller coaster — for a while the speed is bearable, but
when you least expect it, a sharp curve pushes you up, down,
upside down. Surprisingly enough, when you feel the movement
is coming to a halt, the cycle continues. While we are in the
midst of a difficulty, it's hard to see the light at the end
of the tunnel!
There is a great deal to be said in response to the points
you raised. I would like to concentrate on finances and
bitachon.
Finances
HaRav Shach, zt'l, entreated our generation to make
less ostentatious wedding expenses. He reminded us that
earlier periods, when Torah and mitzvah observance
were dearer, were also known for material simplicity.
I have also read writings on the same topic from HaRav Chaim
Kanievsky and HaRav Wosner, as well as from Admorim
like the Gerer Rebbe. They have tried to encourage new
projects of cheaper housing.
With few exceptions, the more the yeshiva students have going
for them, the more their material expectations are harder to
match. Some wait for a long time until they find a
satisfactory settlement. In this case, Rav Israel Salanter
said they might end up regretting past better-suited offers
they refused. Others see the years go by and then finally
open their eyes and go down on their expectations.
I heard a comment by Rebbitzen B., a well-known educator in
Israel, whose first few children were girls. Her
grandmother's reaction after the mazel tov was,
"nedunia . . . " When she had the first grandson, the
reaction was, "Finally! May he become a Talmid
Chochom"! She wasn't in any way putting down the ladies;
it was just a comment about the financial pressure . . .
There is great responsibility given to the parents of Bnei
Torah. Since we appreciate learning, we try to help our
children as much as possible. If we want them to live a
Kollel life, we know that family support is crucial.
However, debts can pile up, especially when expenses are much
higher then the intake. Even more so when a family is blessed
with a large number of girls! I have heard of cases that the
stress caused the father serious health problems.
Such burdens can lead one to lie and even steal,
Gedolim warn. I was surprised to find out how common
it is to get around fulfilling promises. Soon after the
engagement, the kalah's side says that there was a
misunderstanding; they never did really commit themselves to
so much money, etc. The Chazon Ish said that although the
girl's family doesn't want to embarrass the girl, it doesn't
justify lying and misleading the groom's side.
Rav Chaim Kanievsky expressed that if the father-in-law is
affluent and overly drawn into the material world, there
might be direct or indirect pressure on the son-in-law to be
less dedicated to learning. Even if he stays in
Kollel, he might be influenced to diminish somewhat
his enthusiasm for toiling in Torah.
In addition, the Chazon Ish wrote that one who married the
daughter of a wealthy family might be faced with a wife used
to luxuries and endless material comforts. For that reason,
many sages married into families of modest means, rather than
looking for more prosperous matches.
There are dreadful predictions for marrying a girl for
financial interests. The wording of the Sages on the subject
is strong, and leaving no room for doubt. He won't have
success, neither financially nor in his marriage, according
to the Kitzur Shulchan Oruch. Similarly, the Tana
D'vey Eliyahu wrote that eventually the riches will be
given to others. Furthermore, also the children will be
affected (Kiddushin) : Rabba bar Rav Ada said that the
children won't be righteous.
Despite the warnings of the elders, unfortunately we live in
a world where too much value is put on money and not enough
on character traits.
Bitachon:
I can only honor your daughter's attitude to prayer and
sharing friends' weddings. By davening, she is putting
effort into the main hishtadlus. The Sages recommend
trying to pray with concentration, pleading for His
compassion, beseeching daily, asking, and citing reasons for
the request that He help a girl find her zivug. In
addition, feeling for her friends shows a caring giving heart
that empathizes with others even when she is going through a
difficult time.
Rav Wolbe, zt'l, wrote in Alei Shur that in
order to develop faith, more is needed than learning about
Divine intervention in our history. Just like Hashem helped
us in times gone by, He is also with each and every one of us
all the way through! Besides prayer, it is a must to train
ourselves to see the hand of the Creator in our lives. Rather
than lofty high concepts, internalizing trust has to be
strengthened not just with the big challenges. Chazal said
that even when we put a hand in our pocket and don't take out
the amount expected, there is something to learn from it! But
we have to practice focusing on Heavenly involvement even
with the trivial and daily. "It was meant for me to miss that
bus and for the washing machine to break!"
At the same time, the positive shouldn't be taken for
granted, either — "The dish came out especially tasty
this time; I just met someone I was planning to phone, etc."
The skill of reassuring ourselves and restating what we
believe in requires constant training — 24 hours a day.
The more we refine that thought process, the greater
awareness we will develop in our reliance upon the A-
mighty.
Furthermore, encouraging your daughter means mainly to be
there for her. To empathize, feel her pain, listen to her . .
. Inspiring words of hashkafa help — but
without sermonizing long speeches that she might find
difficult to internalize. And at the same time, try giving
sincere compliments like pointing out her virtues and how
lucky will be the boy who marries her.
However, the best conversations and wise words won't make
sense if the parents themselves are overly preoccupied. If we
want to transmit something, but don't live by it, there is an
obvious contradiction that the children easily pick up. It is
a must for us to work on our own beliefs in order to be
healthy examples for the children. Otherwise, our words fall
on deaf ears.
The pain your daughter feels must be difficult to bear. We
have to truly believe that yes, there is a wonderful boy out
there looking for her. It is not uncommon for us to compare
our situations to others. The fact that her sisters and
friends married earlier doesn't make her any less special
than they are.
Just like Hashem looks after her on all areas, in
shidduchim as well, the deliverance will come! Our
challenges are tailor-made for our own particular situation.
We might look as outsiders on someone else's predicament and
think that their situation is better.
You have also mentioned to me on the phone that boys are
compared to wine — the older the better; while girls to
challah — the fresher the better. For instance,
some very young girls start dating only because they reach a
certain age, but are not necessarily mature enough.
Unfortunately, I know of such cases that ended in an early
divorce. Others are happily married but because the
chosson is in kollel and the girl is still finishing
her seminary professional training, they require more
monetary help from their families.
In short, we are not always aware of the difficulties that
they go through. There is a popular saying that the
neighbor's grass is greener. What we see from the outside
doesn't always reflect the reality. We know that the main
blessing is not to be just like others, but that we should be
given what we need.
You will certainly be checking carefully potential candidates
and screening for what is appropriate for her. Whoever she
will meet and consider will have to match the qualities she
is looking for. Any decisions made with peace of mind and
great thought will be coming from proper understanding of
what she wants, but not from exterior pressures.
Constructive feelings will help you focus on the task at
hand. Also, reinforce your reliance on her good judgment and
maturity. With that in mind, she won't feel pressured to get
into an unsuitable relationship. If she feels self-confident
that she has common sense, she will trust her intuition and
decisions. Anything less than what suits her is wrong and
inappropriate. She is looking specifically for her
basheret, for a compatible bochur. And you are
by her side to guide her throughout the whole process. The
chances of finding the zivug are not in the hands of
matchmakers. To call matchmakers is a valid effort to network
and make contacts. But ultimately, marriage is solely in the
hands of Hashem — and He has many resources to
accomplish His ends. Those agents are not important by
themselves. They are only intermediaries and there is no
shortage of representatives to carry out His will. We should
turn only to the Almighty. The more we count on Him, the more
we became worthy vessels to receive His blessings.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success in
helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net (PLEASE NOTE THE E-MAIL CHANGE) or
at (02) 656-3111.
This article is dedicated to iluy nishmas Chaya
(Paach) Rotenberg, ob'm, a blessing to all who knew her, who
accepted yissurim with messirus nefesh and
giving.
