Question:
"Although I avoid negative labels, I guess I am what most
people would call indecisive. In my many years of dating, I
have several times come close to committing myself, but at
the last minute something comes up. I tell the matchmaker I
need more time to think, I ask for a break. The intermediary,
representing the other side's anxious remarks, eventually
pushes for an answer. I feel pressured and back out. I really
regret having said "no" to some wonderful boys. It is really
getting in my way and stopping me from the happiness I so
much look forward to. Do you have any practical advice on how
I can work on this terrible character trait?"
Answer:
Your difficulty is more common than you imagine. Without
knowing you personally, it is tricky to guess where the
indecision is coming from. I will try to approach the subject
from different angles and I hope that will help you.
The first step towards solving problems is being honest. Your
courage to write so openly about it is praiseworthy. For you
to admit difficulties and search for help is a major
milestone towards solutions. Being mature is not having all
the answers all the time, but being willing to work through
the issues.
Fence Sitter In the usual normal process of making a
decision, the first step is to investigate the suggestion.
Inquiries basically check if at least on paper the match is
feasible. After every meeting, both parties reflect carefully
if the relationship has potential. By weighing up the various
options, a person comes to decisions. A pathological ditherer
on the other hand, attaches exaggerated importance to trivial
matters and thinks of the most unlikely possibilities. He is
then caught in a vicious circle, without seeing a way out. He
gathers information, thinks about it, hesitates, finds out
more, considers it again, and becomes even more undecided.
Too much data clouds the issue and he is left confused and
bewildered.
Maran HaRav Shach zt'l held that the checking should
be thorough; he even compared it to investigating until one
feels sick from it, meaning exhaustion, until all major
points are covered. Rather than doing it rationally,
logically having in mind priorities, a hesitant person will
be overly cautious, even when logic and common sense would
dictate to move forward.
Many years ago, a close relative was "burned out" by years on
end of "being in the process." My uncle wisely said, "Let the
bachelor be burned by at least meeting possible candidates,
rather then dwelling at home, looking for reasons to put
aside offers."
An indecisive person asks too many people for advice. He
seems to lack the normal person's intuition of the right
thing to do, and dreads making a decision, lest it be the
wrong one. Someone with low self-esteem may be afraid to come
to a decision, because of what others might say about him. He
is afraid of ridicule and thus will further delay a decision.
This overdeveloped cautiousness will give a shy and fearful
subject, with procrastination, irresolution and
indecision.
For most of them, that's all it is — unspecified
anxiety about the future. Sometimes, they'll even focus on a
physical characteristic or personal quality and decide that
it suddenly bothers them. For many, it is simply an
unconscious way of binding their anxiety. This fertile
creativity has no end to imagined "what ifs." Having "all
sorts of crazy thoughts" is a sign of nervousness, not of any
genuine problem in the relationship.
Going out endlessly is not more reassuring. It is only
advisable to go out again if getting to know more about the
person will help you figure out if the match is compatible.
But usually those long dating periods only bring more and
more doubts. For the more you see the person in different
situations, the greater chance that the relationship might
lose the objectivity and modesty necessary. You are not
dating just to have a good time, the meetings should be
enjoyable but at the same time goal oriented. HaRav Matisyohu
Solomon shlita said that "the couple should continue
to meet each other until they feel reasonably confident in
their choice, based on shared goals and appreciation of each
other's company." They cannot expect though, to have all
issues covered." Shidduchim is a base — marriage
is for building. He continues, "It is ridiculous to hope to
work out every detail of their projected relationship in
advance. To expect to do so is an exercise in futility."
Practical Suggestions
In certain relationships, you might feel uncomfortable around
that person for a valid reason. Perhaps there is a serious
problem in the communication or the partner has a serious
flaw that makes you worry about the likelihood that the
marriage can be happy and enduring. Maybe there is reason for
concern.
In your particular case, since it has been reccurring, it
doesn't seem to be connected to specific individuals but to
your attitude as a whole to the process. Try to clarify what
exactly is the source of your anxiety.
To say in general, "I don't know" will only confuse you more.
What is bothering you? What is "getting on your way"? When
you yourself do not know your true feelings, it is self-
understood that with regard to something as important as
this, it is impossible to make final decisions.
It might be helpful to first elucidate in theory what you are
looking for. That no one is perfect and no situation is ideal
are not only nice principles. You have to internalize them
and be careful not to blow faults out of proportion. At the
same time, let yourself feel the positive attributes. Don't
block potential relationships with fear. To calm yourself
down, look at the qualities that have led the relationship to
become serious. Think of the values you share and the dreams
you have for life together. Common values and compatible
goals are the cornerstone of every good marriage. Next, think
if your relationship has what it takes to build a great life
together. If you concentrate on all of the positive things
that you and your future husband have going for you, you
should feel calmer.
Emotions vary from day to day and moment to moment. Anxiety
and other feelings can color our perception of a situation. A
relationship of common values and mutual respect is a much
better indicator of the depth and strength of your
relationship than temporary hesitations. Doubts are common,
eminently reasonable, as this decision involves a decisive
step in one's life. Since nothing in the realm of creation is
perfect, it is understandable that there is room for doubts.
A proper decision should be made in a state of calm and
serenity and not in the opposite state. Worry takes away
peace of mind, so desperately needed at a time of making such
vital decisions. Sometimes a short break can be helpful to
reassure yourself, giving you time to re-evaluate the
situation. However, the longer the break, the more you might
agonize and renew the anxiety, falling more and more into
despair. Long intervals also cool off a relationship that was
warming up and being developed. Moreover, it is unacceptable
to leave the other side waiting indefinitely. If it is
unavoidable, at least inform the matchmaker and agree on a
time limit of approximately how much is reasonable. Having a
deadline can encourage objective thinking. Let the matchmaker
know the answer as soon as you make up your mind.
Rabbonim warn against matchmakers and parents pressuring the
couple. They should certainly help the young people, but with
outmost respect for their feelings and considerations. Having
an indecisive child does not justify parents to impose
arbitrarily.
Often we just can't decide alone. Friends can be a great
support, by hearing us and acting as a springboard to assist
us to clarify our thoughts. But nothing can substitute
guidance. A wise older person has a broader perspective and
life experience. He or she can also point out questions to
help us think.
On a particular shidduch where a boy was very
confused, I learned greatly from the type of questions his
mashgiach asked him. The bachur basically felt
intellectually that she was a wonderful girl. But emotionally
he was not ready to commit himself. The Rabbi tried to get
him to focus objectively on what he was looking for, on his
core values. And only then to analyze if the girl was
fitting. Sometimes a person is so caught up on a particular
situation of "yes" or "no," that they mix "nice person" with
"are we a compatible pair?"
In fewer cases, there is a need for professional assistance.
It is not a reason for embarrassment. Gone are the days when
there was a stigma that going to a therapist was only for the
highly disturbed. There is a wide range of frum
psychologists, well trained and sensitive to the needs of our
community. Sometimes a few sessions can make all the
difference. Their orientation is not to decide for us, but to
assist us to take a look inside of us and find the innermost
resources that were always there, but just needed a competent
touch to be brought out.
Although long and hard thought are called for, don't expect
to be one hundred percent sure. There is always a required
amount of trust that we hope we have made the right
assessment with the available facts, but we need the A-
mighty's blessing to come to the right conclusions. We have
to rely on Hashem to lead us to what is best for us. Even
whatever seems positive and right needs great Heavenly
assistance to be blessed with success.
Rebbetzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed unless specified, with the
exception of well-known public figures like Gedolim
and educators. Any comments, questions and stories can be
sent to: dytravis@013.net.il (PLEASE NOTE NEW E-MAIL) or at
(02) 656-3111
