When one sits shiva, may we not know from such things,
there are myriad halochos to keep on top of the
overwhelming emotions that can come suddenly and
unexpectedly. Below are true life advice/words of comfort
from the spouses of those sitting; from... the 'other
half.'
All the suggestions below can be helpful, whichever gender
you are. There is no typical way a woman reacts or a typical
way that a man reacts. Both can cry, both can hold their pain
in. Every person is an individual. It's important not to
stereotype.
There are many different minhogim so it's very
important to communicate with YOUR Rav. When people say you
have to do this or that, you need to know what YOU need to do
and to say, "I'll check with my Rav."
May we be reunited with the entire Jewish nation, past and
present, with Moshiach quickly, speedily, and in our days.
Amen.
*
From a 47-year-old man with six children ages 7-17 after his
mother-in-law passed away:
"Deal with the kids. Don't make any demands; she has enough
on her head. And don't respond to her emotional responses.
One minute she can be crying and the next minute she can be
laughing. Just let it go. It's all part of what's happening
and slowly it'll pass. Keep in mind that the strong emotions
don't immediately stop as soon as shiva is over
either. Relax a little bit. Be there for her but don't be
there for her, meaning, let her know that she can turn to you
but if she needs her own space, that's fine too."
*
"My wife was 30 years old and 7 months pregnant. Since I
wasn't a blood relative, I could run all the errands and do
all the technical things that she wasn't allowed to do like
shopping and making phone calls. I spoke frequently to our
Rav to find out what my wife was obligated to do and then
explained it to her and helped if I could."
*
"My wife said that it helped her a lot when guests would stay
until late at night and I 'came to the rescue.' She realized
that they didn't want to leave her, that they perhaps felt
obligated to stay. At one point, I called my wife aside and
asked her if she was tired, if she realized that it was 11:00
p.m., if she'd like me to ask the guests to leave. She was
exhausted and as much as she appreciated everyone coming, she
really did need to go to sleep. I asked the guests very
politely to come at a different time, as it was late. I made
sure to do that every night and it helped her a lot."
*
"When my husband was sitting shiva for his brother, I
hooked a string through a notebook and another string with a
pen and left it by the front door so that when someone took
the trouble to come over and a sign was up saying that we
were resting, they could write their names, and even a little
message if they wanted to. It was nice for us to know who had
come and the messages were very comforting as well."
*
"Remind your spouse to sit in different positions. S/he can
lean to the right for awhile, then lean to the left for a
bit. S/he can sit on the couch with no cushions one day and
on a low stool the next. It's VERY hard on the back to sit
for seven consecutive days in one position. S/he will thank
you afterwards." (From a woman with eight children.)
*
"With all four little ones underfoot, I took the kids out to
the park as much as I could, especially since they had a lot
of trouble seeing their father so incredibly sad. For my
husband it was a Catch 22; he just couldn't listen to the
noise, he really needed quiet, but he was also very lonely.
Each person that came to sit with him, even for a short
period of time, meant a lot to him. It's such a stressful
time."
*
From a woman whose husband lost both parents in the same
year, "Keep the environment as stress-free as possible. My
married daughter couldn't bring her little ones; as much as
my husband loves them, he just couldn't have them running
around.
I took care of as much as I could so he wouldn't even have to
think about things, such as quietly covering all the mirrors
without him noticing. We had the zechus at that time
to have a carpenter build a portable oron kodesh which
we kept in the house the whole week and now lend out to
people in similar situations. I made sure there were enough
siddurim, candles, that there would be a minyan
three times a day in our house. I knew my husband needed as
little pressure as possible.
"Another thing that's important to point out is that this is
an experience that most people only go through a few times
during their lifetime (may we not know from such things), and
it brings out in a person things that they themselves aren't
necessarily aware of. It's an unusual time period. Keep that
in mind."
*
From a 57-year-old man.
"My wife is three years older than I am and very reserved by
nature. She took it very hard when her 83-year-old mother
passed on. One of the things I was concerned about was that
she be completely free to experience her feelings of strong
loss. I never once shushed her when she broke down crying. I
knew it was important for her to do so and I was careful not
to grimace in front of her even though my heart twisted for
her, nor to change the subject. She needed to do this and I
let her. Also, she kept repeating one story about her mother
over and over again to everyone who came. A different family
member made some negative comment about this at some point
and my wife was really crushed. At such a sensitive time, we,
the spouse, as well as the whole family, have to be ultra-
sensitive."
*
When my hsuband was sitting shiva, I was in a bind
when the living room filled up with men for each
minyan, but I realized that the dishes had to get done
anyway so that was a good time for me to clean up or make
supper. Once in a while I took a sandwich over to a neighbor
while the men davened. It was fine, once I realized
that I had other things I could do."
*
"My wife felt that she needed people to just listen or to
talk to about her late father. When people spoke about day-to-
day things, she felt hurt. Also, one woman told my wife that
she has to just accept the situation. My wife said later that
she knew this woman meant well but each person has to reach
the acceptance themselves. They can't be TOLD to accept
it.
Each person has to go through all the levels of mourning. For
some people it takes days or weeks, for others it can take
years, but one can't skip any of those levels. Also,
different people are different and different situations also
vary. It can be easier if someone goes to their sibling or
remaining parent where the whole family sits together. For
others, it's easier to be home with their own children and
spouse. It's a very individual decision."
