Question from a Seminary student: [This question could
have come from a bochur in shidduchim age]:
"Is it true everyone is watching what we do the whole
time?"
Answer:
Dear Menuchi,
I can understand why you feel observed and watched. Getting
to shidduchim age, even if not yet hearing
suggestions, is a lot of pressure. In addition to your
personal inner issues, there is social pressure as well.
In adulthood, a lot more is expected from a girl; more
responsibility and decision-making, but as much as there is
parental and teachers' guidance, the final decisions in
marriage are up to the girl herself.
Together with the trust comes accountability. A girl is
expected to act with maturity, as an adult. In fact, we hope
that every religious Jew will stand out as an honest, caring,
responsible human being. So even if others are not watching
you all the time — Hashem is . . .
Who Cares?
Some girls might think: "Now I have a chance to have a good
time, so why worry too much about the consequence of my
actions? So what if I act childish and irresponsible at
times? Next year, before I decide to date seriously, I'll
have time to shape up."
A similar attitude would be: "Today I might say a little
loshon hara, and tomorrow I'll have to act more
grown up and less silly . . ."
An adult is accountable for his/her behavior. A person who
gets used to a certain conduct will find it hard to change.
Moreover, the responsibility involved in the introspection
and decision-making of shidduchim requires
preparation. There's no time to lose . . .
Good Name
When R' Yochanan ben Zakai was on his deathbed, his students
asked him for a brocha. He told them, "May it be
Hashem's will that your fear of Him be as great as your fear
of people."
"That's all?" they queried.
"If only we had that much!" said R' Yochanan. "When a person
thinks about committing a transgression, he thinks to
himself, `I hope no one sees me!'" (Berachos 28b).
Deep down we all want to be liked and respected. Having a
good name is important for everything in life. And having a
bad reputation is one of the worst embarrassments.
Spies
Sometimes, we might not be on the level of uplifted behavior,
but knowing that it's not fitting to act otherwise can be
actually beneficial to get us to do the right thing. It
reminds me of a story I heard about the first wife of R'
Yaakov Kamenetzky zt'l. Rebbetzen Yita Ettel
Kamentezky had such fine behavior that it made it difficult
for others to say loshon hara in her
presence.
At the same time, it's not advisable to be overly concerned
about the opinion of others. A respected Rosh Yeshiva told my
husband that had he worried about what others thought of him,
he wouldn't have gotten to where he is now.
The main thing is to feel peace of mind in trying to do
mitzvos, and to be a good Jew. You'll never please the
whole world. But if you know you're doing the right thing,
you are giving nachas to Hashem even if you're
not pleasing everyone.
People tend to be judgmental about externals. Although
tznius is very important, it's certainly not
everything about a young lady. But the way one dresses is
something people notice. It is, in fact, the first thing they
notice, even before behavior, personality, etc. So if you
want to look like a Beis Yaakov girl, try to dress in a way
that is acceptable to those standards. To dress differently
and wonder, "Who cares anyway?" will not convey the
impression you want.
Mida knegged mida; if you try to judge others
favorably, hopefully others will also judge you favorably. We
can do our part: try to be a mensch and try to judge
others favorably. These are not easy tasks.
One of the first shidduchim I made was when my husband
was in the hospital. There was a bachur helping my
husband who showed such concern and empathy that I just knew
he was the right match for a close friend of mine. I had
never met him before, but I just knew it would be
perfect!!
You can never know where your shidduch will come from
. . . You might not be watched all the time. But before a
shidduch is suggested to you, the shadchan and
the boy's family will definitely check you out. They won't
necessarily call your mother and your best friend. You can't
have any control of who will be asked what . . . Therefore it
doesn't hurt to try to be on your best behavior if not all
the time — because no one is perfect — at least
most of the time . . .
Rebitzen Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Any comments,
questions and stories can be sent to: travisdn@barak-
online.net or at (02) 656-3111
