The first year is especially significant in cultivating the
emotional bond between parents and baby and will determine
what kind of attachment pattern the child will form. How does
one weave the threads of relationship so that they're not too
taut or too loose? What are the ways to improve the
connection and maintain it? Most babies are capable of secure
attachment but one fifth to one quarter are deprived of
attachment as a result of, among other things, the low
quality of care and attention which doesn't display
sensitivity to all their needs. It's never too late to
learn.
Every parent desires a close, warm, loving and open bond with
their child. But sometimes the attachment can be suffocating
and at others, it's weak and in danger of unraveling. Either
way, it can be disappointing. How does one bond properly
without too much dependence or independence?
There is, of course, a range of interactions from
authoritarian parents who are emotionally distant and those
who relate on such a similar level that authority is lost. In
the ideal middle are parents who know how to set limits but
are close and loving, who are there to listen to a child on
any subject at any time but who know how to maintain parental
authority.
A Simple Test to Diagnose Attachment
A healthy and balanced relationship is formed at an early
age. The foundation is set in the first year of life and
establishes itself at around nine months of age (that's the
reason adoptive parents are encouraged to adopt a child
younger than a year). If the infants haven't experienced
maternal love in the developmental first year of life, it
will be difficult for them to develop secure attachment which
is considered to be the best kind. The model of attachment
which they develop remains with them their whole life and
becomes the pattern they themselves will adopt as parents.
This pattern can be passed on from one generation to another
unless the child consciously tries to alter it.
How does one know what kind of attachment their child has
formed? With a simple experiment. A researcher by the name of
Ainsworth coined the phrase "strange situation". You expose
the child to a strange person and then return to gauge his
reaction. At the beginning, the mother remains with the child
in the room, then she leaves him alone with a strange woman
that he has just met. In the second situation, the child is
left alone in a room filled with toys.
In these experiments, a two-way mirror was used to watch the
behavior of the baby unobserved. A baby with a secure
attachment will overcome the small trauma of being exposed to
a strange woman and the sudden disappearance of the mother
and when she returns, will remain calm. He'll show an
interest in the toys in the room although he is aware that
his mother is missing or he will feel uncomfortable with the
strange woman. When his mother returns, he'll seek comfort in
her arms and in her presence, will quickly return to the
toys.
The second time that he's left alone, and his mother returns,
he will be a little more upset and will be careful to
maintain eye contact with her (just in case) but even then,
will calm down eventually and return to his toys. He will be
happy at his mother's return and won't be too worried that
she'll disappear again.
Most babies (55-70%) are characterized as having secure
attachments but not a significant percentage have withheld
attachments, slightly problematic; one can't be sure about
its true background. From one fifth to one quarter of babies
seem to have a good attachment, and apparently don't get
upset by their mother's absence or the presence of a
stranger. The frustrated mother who has to leave and returns
later always feels unwanted. "He isn't even happy to see me,"
she complains. "It seems he didn't even miss me."
The baby is very busy being busy and demonstratively ignores
the exit and return of his mother as if he is punishing her.
He didn't cry when she left and didn't seek her out when she
returned; he was completely indifferent. It's hard to
believe, but a baby who "withholds" is suffering very much
inside and in fact, is in great distress, but doesn't allow
himself to show it. Studies that have measured physiological
reactions of the babies of this type have discovered that the
greater their distress, the more they were careful to
distance themselves from their mother.
At the other end, we find babies that don't forgive any kind
of abandonment and if they are exposed to a strange
experiment like this, they will be sure to express their
displeasure at every stage without any possibility of
consolation at all. About 5-10% of babies will react thus.
From the moment that someone attempts to leave them in a
strange room, they will react stressfully and will be sure to
remain in close proximity to their mother. The toys won't
interest them because the main part of their attention will
be focused on their mother. When she leaves the room, they'll
react with anger, tears or passivity and when she returns,
they will make a scene that will increase her feelings of
guilt. They won't calm down, even in her arms, and will
continue crying to emphasize the injustice done to them. In
any case, they won't return to the toys which didn't interest
them from the beginning.
The final type of attachment which is also problematic is
called "non-organized attachment" and is rare among babies.
The reaction of a child who is left or given to a stranger
will be extreme. When his mother returns, he will be either
non-reactive or frozen, or will approach her with his head
turned the other way, as if he has undergone some type of
difficult trauma.
Answering the Needs of the Baby — Secure
Attachment
The ambition of all parents is to form a secure attachment
with their baby that will enable him to adapt well in life,
in particular when undergoing separations. The strong base of
stable secure attachment will show itself in childhood,
particularly at age six. When children this age are placed in
a strange environment one can see the difference in their
reactions. Children with a secure attachment will seek out
the closeness of the parent when they return to him, even
physically, and when they receive the reassurance of love,
they will calm down and return to their games.
Children with abstained attachment will demonstrate in front
of their parent that the game is important to them, and only
when requested will they respond shortly to their parent and
will hurry to return to play. The third type will be overly
clinging and dependent on the parent and will simultaneously
broadcast mixed messages. Children with disorganized
attachment will try to remain close to the parent but will
seem restless and they will also try to show that they're the
boss. They will try to control the parent and reward
themselves for the parent's absence.
A healthy attachment between a parent is expressed in a
mutual feeling of deep and natural emotion that is created
between them. The child feels that the parent loves him
unconditionally. There is a special closeness between them
that doesn't always need words. The child is secure in his
belonging to the family, secure and appreciated.
The truth is that it doesn't all depend on the parents. The
child also has a part in this according to his ability and
his nature but a great deal is connected to the behavior,
reactions and management of the parents. According to the
experts, the quality of the care the baby receives determines
to a large extent his type of attachment.
Each child is born with the readiness to create the ideal
secure bond with his parents and his caretakers
(kindergarten, playgroup etc.), but the type of care he
receives carries great weight regarding type of attachment.
In a known study, it was found that the quicker and more
efficiently a baby's cries are answered, the less he cries at
the end of his first year of life, and his chances for secure
attachment are almost certain. This doesn't mean running to
fulfill his needs before he cries, but the determining factor
is the feeling that he gets. A baby who knows that in the
end, someone will come to him and answer his needs, who won't
leave him in distress without attending to him develops a
trust in his caretakers. A baby who is used to waiting a long
time until his needs are taken care of, loses trust and his
sense of security decreases.
Sometimes the parents try to efficiently meet the baby's
needs but his needs are greater than they appear and more
than once he felt his needs weren't being met. It's hard to
imagine how this influences him. A baby left to cry for a
long time, who isn't attended to and who isn't held when he
feels the need, will turn into a baby who has abstained
attachment or is very dependent. He'll develop this awareness
in the first months of his life. it is known that the level
of parental sensitivity from four to six months will
determine the type of attachment the baby will have from one
year onward.
Already from one month, one can pinpoint the type of
attachment that the child will have with his parents
according to the mother's reaction and her response to his
needs. As the months pass, if the attachment isn't good, it
will be harder to fix the bad experience for the baby.
Indifferent parents who don't show much emotion towards their
child and who don't hasten to show him physical affection
when he wants it, will build, to a certain extent, the basis
for abstained attachment of their baby. There are mothers who
speak a lot to their babies but at the same time, ignore his
attempts to connect with them until circumstances force him
to abstain.
Insecure attachment is very dependent and is connected to
inconsistent care, extreme poverty and physical deprivation.
Unorganized attachment has been found to be connected to
frightening or frightened behavior of the mother. In any case
in which the parent or caregiver is not emotionally available
for the baby, this almost guarantees the baby's inability to
develop a secure attachment.
How to Improve the Connection
Physical Contact - Rest the baby on you when you are
calm. Stroke him often, hug him and even massage him.
Face to Face - Try to hold the baby facing you and
talk to him at eye level, face to face. When the child
already knows how to talk and to point, you can incorporate a
game where he has to identify parts of the body, to name them
and touch them.
Heart to Heart Talks — Speak to the child often,
warmly, with affection and love. Try to get down to his level
so you maintain eye contact.
Adapting to his Level — Encourage the child to
perform tasks that he is capable of doing, without developing
expectations too high for his age. Play with him, adapting
yourself to his level of ability and understanding.
Heightened Sensitivity — Listen to the child and
show understanding when he is restless. Support him when he
is tense, afraid or anxious about the present or future.
Try to Develop Him in Every Way — Encourage him
to develop relationships with children his own age; encourage
him to develop thinking skills and independent action and
enable him to solve his own daily problems in order to
progress. (This is more suitable for older children.)
Connection Leads to Connection
Secure attachment is a state that everyone enjoys —
society, the family and of course, the child himself. Not
only is the child easier and allows the parents more
flexibility and maneuvering ability (every babysitter earns
his trust easily) but his ability to cope with different
relationships and other situations will be much easier.
Studies show that already at one year, children with secure
attachments will be friendlier and will also demonstrate
better coping skills with new situations and tasks at two
years old. If they encounter any difficulties, they will
prefer to ask for help instead of crying and getting
upset.
In contrast, toddlers of two years old who are classified at
a year old as having insecure attachments will be more easily
frustrated, will refuse adult help, will ignore their
suggestions and give up quickly.
The path of securely attached children will also be strewn
with roses at three and a half. They will be considered,
personable, independent and enthusiastic learners. Those with
insecure attachment are likely to be considered introverted,
socially hesitant, lacking motivation to learn or
perseverance. The more secure the attachment, the better the
self-image of the child and the greater his confidence in his
abilities. The result is generally better social and
educational functioning and controlled reactions without
anger, tantrums or crying.
The more parents invest in attachment with their infant, it
seems that they will reap more pleasure and success in future
in most areas. The connection between him and them will be a
sort of mirror for his relationship with society and even his
relationship with his future children.
A Regular Caregiver Contributes to Secure Attachment in
Babies
The clearest sign of a good connection between a child and
his caregiver is the happiness the child feels when seeing
her and the desire to be with her, as well as the fact that
he doesn't hurry to separate from her when the real
caregiver, the father or mother, arrives.
In order to form a secure attachment to caregivers in
daycare, kindergarten or any other place, it's important to
maintain constancy. The more of the staff in the nursery is
permanent, the greater the chances that the child will form
an attachment to them and trust them. New faces that change
at a confusing rate frighten the child, who finds it
difficult to form a bond with a particular person and doesn't
know whom to trust. If a child is exposed to too many
experiences with changing caregivers, he'll feel greatly
distressed. The new strange person who appears each time
doesn't allow him to form a secure attachment. It won't be
surprising if he then makes heartbreaking scenes or acts
stubbornly or rebelliously when the mother arrives in order
to demonstrate how great is his displeasure.
