As the facilitator of two support groups for stepmothers --
one in Hebrew and one in English, I have become aware of some
universal issues that stepmothers face in their daily lives.
One of these issues is where and how she fits into the new
family that she has accepted. Many women are so overwhelmed
with the `sacrifice' of accepting this new life that they are
not aware of what their stepchildren are feeling.
The following story is my rendition of how a stepmother can
try to imagine the thoughts and turmoil going on in her
stepchildren's minds. This story is purely fictitious and
does not reflect the feelings or identify with anyone I know.
It is a compilation of a number of stories that were told to
me by various stepmothers.
The goal of this story is to illustrate how a stepmother can
overcome her pain and uncertainty if she can sincerely
imagine how her stepchildren feel when they see her. Mutual
love, understanding and especially requesting Hashem's
guidance are all necessary ingredients in every blended
family.
May Hashem in His goodness give all of Am Yisroel the vital
love and understanding and patience that we all need in this
new year.
(This is the second in a series of articles on blended
families.)
My mother just died. Not yesterday, or last week. It happened
five years ago, actually, but it seems like today. The pain
of losing her has not dissipated. I miss her so much. Losing
a mother is like losing a world. My life can never be the
same. She was so special, so warm, so real and a total
tzadekes. Everyone said so, and everyone who knew her,
loved her. People still stop me in the street and tell me how
much she helped them with sholom bayis or how she had
arranged for their marriage or when a place to stay was
needed -- even for a month or longer, her house was always
open to them.
I often ask myself, "How many other women could be so open
and accepting of everyone -- no matter who or where they come
from?"
But this story is not about my `real mother.' It's more about
my pain. This devastating feeling of not having her near me
to help and advise me as I go through my daily life. I'm not
angry that she died; that was Hashem's will. It's only the
constant pain. And this pain is being relived every time I
come home to my parents' house and she's not there.
There's a new woman there -- near my father. I know he
couldn't continue living alone after she died. I know he
needed a companion to keep him active and happy, to take care
of him. I love him dearly and want him to be happy, but
couldn't he have waited a bit longer before remarrying? How
could he forget my mother so quickly? Believe me when I say
that I'm not angry with him -- only hurt. My parents were a
perfect pair. We had a wonderful home and were raised with
good middos and chinuch.
Today, I try to fulfill my obligation to my father and his
new wife by smiling sweetly when I'm with them. I trying to
be a good daughter and talk to them kindly. I answer
respectable non-commitals when they ask me questions. But
they'll never know how much it hurts me to see her in my
house. She'll never get what she expects from me. How do you
think it feels to see a different woman -- a stranger -- in
your house? Why does she think that her being nice to me and
my children will make me love her as I loved my mother?
Never! It's impossible to even imagine that this woman can
come close to me as my mother could. Although she's quite a
pleasant person and I respect her as such. If she hadn't come
into my world as a stepmother, I just might have thought she
was wonderful, but her position says it all.
She expects from me something that I can't ever give her --
the love of a daughter. Not yet, anyway. I don't care when
she says that she "wants to get to know me and my siblings."
Even kissing her is disturbing. Yet I also know, deep down,
that she's not to blame.
She never did anything to hurt me. But she's my stepmother
and how can you love a `stepmother?' Her being there will
forever remind me that my real mother will never return to
this life. She only lives in my memories. This pain is
endless and I'm powerless to stop it. "Hashem, please, in
Your kindness, please help me find a way to ease the
pain."
I open my eyes to the morning light. Wow, what a
nightmare! How did these thoughts come into my head? I'm not
a stepdaughter.
But I HAVE been happily remarried for the past three years,
this time to a wonderful man who has wonderful children. Is
Hashem trying to tell me something that I couldn't see
before?
Is this nightmare a picture of what my husband's children see
whenever they look at me? I AM a stepmother but I didn't
realize how much it pains them to see me in their former
home.
"Hashem, the Giver of everything, please help me find a way
to ease their pain. I need Your help and guidance in
accepting these new children as they are and not to expect
anything from them that they can't give me -- yet.
"Help me to get them to accept me as `a' mother, in place of
`their' mother -- when they are ready. If and when that time
comes. And if it never comes, then give me the strength to
remain fulfilled with my challenge of living in a new family -
- as a stepMOTHER."
Devorah Saslow Weinberger is available for professional
psychotherapy and counseling in various areas of life. She
welcomes interest in her support groups and may be contacted
at 02-6519216 or 056-355982.
