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Home
and Family
Punishments
by A. Ross M.Ed
It would be a utopian world if there were never any need for
reprimand or castigation. Whether it is in the home or at
school, there are times when punishment is needed. Some
fortunate teachers can enter the classroom, greet the
children, give an order and have instant obedience. Even in
this day and age, when children have an opinion about what
may be said and done, how it should be said, and whether
parents or teachers have a right to say it in the first
place, teachers with a certain charisma, magnetism,
personality, call it what you will, have no discipline
problems whatsoever.
Nevertheless, even these teachers come up against the
occasional pupil who is different from the others. Whatever
the reason, this particular child is asking, begging to be
punished. Are punishments meant to correct a wayward child?
Are they a method of letting off steam? Is punishment meant
to deter others? What options do we have, and how do we make
the punishment fit the crime?
Letting off steam for parent or teacher is out of the
question. Nevertheless, educators are human beings. One boy,
who was a particularly difficult child, reported that he once
made his father cry. As a father and grandfather, he claims
that this was the worst punishment which he ever received.
This is far from the norm. How many teenage children have
such sincere love and respect for their parents that a frown,
or in this case, tears, is a punishment? A slap given in
anger does let off steam but is not a suitable punishment.
Nevertheless, if it is a once-in-a-lifetime slap, the shock
to the recipient might be very effective. A few teachers,
only a few, fortunately, go too far when they are severely
provoked, and the punishments they mete out are well
remembered.
Experienced teachers are well liked by their pupils, even if
they are strict. The liking is tempered by a healthy respect.
The first week of term, they show the class that they will
not stand for any nonsense, maybe even picking on the wrong
child at the time. For instance, someone among a group of
boys made a comment, after the teacher had said no more
talking at all. In the 'olden days', the teacher might have
dealt the one nearest him a resounding slap. Nowadays, there
is no corporal punishment in schools (or so the authorities
say, and that applies to the home too) and the teacher will
ask the one nearest him to stay after school to help clean up
the classroom. His tone brooks no defiance and there is not a
chance of 'but.' This is just an example; each teacher has
his or her own way of making his mark.
The 'hardened criminal' responds to carrots far more than to
the stick. In our culture, it is the right hand drawing him
closer while the left hand pushes him away. Small prizes,
words of praise encouragement, even if the child does not
deserve any of it, are more likely to help him improve.
Writing out lines five hundred times is a soul-destroying
punishment, although some teachers claim that he wasted my
time so now I will waste his. If they say this aloud, there
will be some bright sparks in the class who will ask
themselves, or their classmates, whether the law of taking
revenge does not apply to adults. Making a child write out
ten pages of the laws of loshon hora, for example, is
not going to help the child remember the laws nor is it
likely to improve his character.
On the other hand, if he has to compose a composition of why
he thinks loshon hora is such a terrible sin, it may
help him think things out. Depending on the child's age,
there is no harm in teacher giving him some pointers.
If a child speeks disrespectfully to one of his parents, the
punishment will be far more effective if it comes from the
other parent. Generally (not always, but on the whole),
children are quite convinced that parents love them. Thus if
the other parent fixes the boundaries and speaks to the child
about making amends before punishing him, the remorse is more
likely to be sincere. Pupils are not always sure that the
teacher loves them. For punishments to be effective, teachers
must prove to the child that they love him. To refer to the
'olden days' once more, the teacher who intoned 'this hurts
me more than it hurts you' before caning the child, was not
very convincing!
Indiscriminate class punishments are rather futile. To
deprive 30 or 40 children of their much needed break so that
they can stretch their legs and relax for a few minutes, is
punishing the teacher. The class is going to be unbearably
restless during the following lesson. Preventing a child from
going on a class trip is a terribly severe punishment.
Teachers must think twice if the crime was really so heinous.
Maybe it was, but will the punishment prevent the child from
doing it again? On the other hand, if he is a particularly
unmanageable child who might put himself and the rest of the
class into danger by his disobedience, a teacher may be glad
of a legitimate excuse to exclude him!
Sometimes, a child comes home from school, and tells his
version of what happened that day, and of the punishment
which followed. Parents may be incensed by the severity of
the punishment for such a small misdemeanor, and are ready to
phone the teacher at home or to accost him at school, first
thing in the morning. The punishment will lose its whole
value if the parent acts this way. When you chose to send
your child to a particular educational establishment, you
have to trust the staff to a certain extent. Parents and
teachers must work together, otherwise a child learns to
manipulate the two parties.
Punishments can wait. The most effective ones are the ones
which kept the child in doubt over what the response would
be, and made him regret his actions even before he got
punished. The least effective ones are the ones given in
anger. Warn the child first, let him think about it, and only
then punish him. It is important that the child agree that he
deserves to be punished. An elderly man, reputedly an
excellent teacher, participated in a staff meeting. The
subject under discussion was a boy who had deflated all the
tires on the teachers' bicycles. Yes, indeed, it was in the
days before cars were the normal mode of transport, even for
teachers. The teachers could not agree on any punishment
which was severe enough. Finally they arrived at some
consensus, but just as the meeting was breaking up, this
experienced man spoke up for the first time and in quiet
measured tones asked, "And next time he does it, are you
going to hang him?" Punishments should be kept to a minimum,
because they will increase in frequency and severity.
A child should not feel that he is being punished because the
teacher always picks on him. Admittedly, he has been very
insolent, but it will not make him less so by frequent
punishments. If teacher can possibly get on a good personal
relationship with the child, the insolence will improve. Even
very small children can drive a parent or teacher insane by
their behavior. As soon as they know this, they will get
worse. Even if the victim does not respond immediately, his
body language signals displeasure. Threats are not a good
idea at all for such children. They will only invent even
more outrageous behavior. Name calling and insults only help
the parent or teacher, and might make the child try to fit to
the name. We are told that the child's dignity should be as
dear to us as our own. Telling a teenager that, I quote, "You
have a filthy character which ten years in a Seminary will
not improve," is not acceptable. It left a deep scar which
still hurts, twenty years later.
At the end of the day, teachers, parents and children all
want to succeed in life. We all have a yetzer hora who
is our lifelong enemy. The adults must work together to
convince the child that he is essentially a wonderful person
but that the evil inclination is inciting him. We parents and
teachers must ask, in our daily prayers, for help from the
One Above for wisdom in our dealings with our precious
charges. Just because a teacher has always dealt with
children in a particular way, does not mean he cannot
change.
Above all, do not punish in haste and if possible, do not
speak hastily either.
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