Question: "I really enjoyed your articles in YATED but could
you please clarify how do we know if our friends are trying
to work on their middos -- it's not a usual thing that
is announced to the world!"
Yehudis
Answer:
Dear Yehudis,
Formative Years
The years spent in yeshiva or seminary are crucial. During
this period of shidduchim preparation, the students
are faced with the challenge of trying to absorb Torah
concepts from schooling and home. It's an opportunity to
process the spiritual and practical ideals. Besides the
actual realization of where you are now, you need to reflect
upon what shidduch you will want to look for.
Don't be surprised to be asked questions about your friends.
Generally the other side won't want to hear just from family
or teachers. Often mentors are so connected to their loved
students that they are almost like relatives, being biased,
losing objectivity as a reference. Neighbors usually tell me
that they can tell more about the family than the boy or
girl. Peers spend the most time with "the candidate",
sharing their routine in seminary, dorm life, free time,
trips, Shabbosim, etc.
Character Development
I wrote in a previous article, "The Chazon Ish wrote that to
have bad middos is quite easy. He asked in Emuna
Ubitachon (Ch. 4) what would a person who wishes to excel
in bad traits do? Absolutely nothing! Nature takes its
course. We all have an evil inclination and if we don't work
on ourselves, it will dominate us."
Unless we are aware of our faults and strive to improve, we
won't just get stuck, but decline spiritually by the hour
(if not by the minute or second!) . . .
Inside the Heart
I'm not saying you can know what goes on in your friend's
heart. No one knows exactly, but someone's conduct can
indicate the innermost feelings.
I remember Ilana*, the "bookworm", totally involved with
schoolwork and not necessarily by nature such a people
person. Moreover, background difficulties made it even
harder for her to invest in close relationships. I sensed
how hard it was for her to become more open and
communicative. Since Ilana knew it was important enough, her
efforts were obvious, as with time I noticed that her
connection with her peers improved significantly.
Further, I can't avoid mentioning a particular phone call,
when I tried to inquire about a bochur from his
rebbi. The more I asked if Chezky* was good-hearted, the
more Rabbi Horowitz* answered other virtues he has, like
good learner, prays with concentration, etc. Finally Rabbi
Horowitz said that one couldn't know what is inside
someone's heart. But I pointed out that their contact is
daily and the boy confides in him. So how come he can't tell
me if Chezky is very cold or not? How can his rebbi not
know? Obviously, to say the least, the implication is that
it's not one of the boy's outstanding character traits . . .
I warned Nechama* but she was anyway pushed into it by her
parents. In fact, she was pressured to go out with him
seriously. Eventually Nechama broke off, for behind a faàade
of politeness, she wondered how much of an emotive person
was really there. Chezky was so analytical and formal that
she felt there was no connection when they spoke. Since
Nechama is very sensitive, she felt the relationship didn't
have potential.
Self-Development
Whoever is concerned about serving Hashem is not worried
just about laws pertaining bein odom laMokom like
learning Torah, praying, Shabbos, kashrus, etc. You might
realize if a roommate buys good hechsherim or seems to
be careful with the laws of Shabbos. Basically you can only
observe what is done in front of you. But how much another
truly fears Hashem is really hard to assess. The question is
how she acts when she is alone.
Nevertheless, certain behaviors are noticeable. Acting in a
balanced, thought-out manner characterizes being serious
about life. Maturity prioritizes what's important and vital,
while self-control helps balance out ups and downs. Trying
to handle situations carefully and sensibly reveals wisdom.
All of these are tools required for awareness in self-
development. They take a whole lifetime to master, but are
required somehow to manage in adult life.
Again, decision-making process and motivations are private.
But from the way they act, from their attitudes towards
important values you can have an idea of what gets them
going.
Bein Odom Lechaveiro
Relationship trials are constant, unavoidable. People are
complex and difficult. Inevitably, there are no shortages in
practicing those skills daily. There are no shortcuts,
either. Unless we try to be pleasant, thoughtful,
accommodating, etc. people won't look forward to spending
time with us. To maintain close ties or even superficial
ones requires effort . . . At home, the associations are
even more acute because of the closeness of kin. Dorm
experiences are also a strain, for the contact is constant
over a long period of time. Therefore the way girls treat
each other indicates how careful they are about bein odom
lechaveiro.
Since people have different ways of acting and reacting; it
takes a lot of wisdom to relate to others. Selfishness by
definition is self-centeredness, while arrogance puts one
above others. Lack of patience inevitably can turn into
irritation, frustrations and anger.
We are expected not to watch things go by. Whatever
situation we are facing, we have to aim to do our best.
Trying is all that is expected. As we learn from the
Ethics of the Fathers; our job is not to finish,
nevertheless we shouldn't stop trying.
Someone mentioned she often has seminary girls as guests.
Her cousin stands out by being intuitively aware of how to
try to be helpful. Also, a widow told me recently of a guest
whom she described as an expert in relationships. This
Rebbitzen explained that she is perceptive and aware of what
different situations call for. For example, being in tune
with how to be helpful and friendly, yet discreet and not
intruding.
Difficult To Hide
You can't know where someone is holding in mitzvah-
observance. But by the way they relate to others you can see
if they just go with the flow or if they try to be a good
roommate, friend, guest, etc.
Although character improvement is "not announced to the
world," that's something you might notice. If not clearly,
at least on a certain level you might perceive if your
friend is the type who is set in her ways or open to develop
herself.
Our innermost thoughts and feelings we keep at a personal
level. Inasmuch as inner life is concealed, its outer
expression gives a glimpse of who we are. Only great
tzadikim are so modest that they succeed in fully
hiding their spiritual level!
Rebbitzin Travis has many years of experience and success
in helping people through shidduchim. Please note that
all names have been changed with the exception of well-known
public figures like gedolim and educators. Any
comments, questions and stories can be sent to:
travisdn@013.net or at (02)656-3111.
