I run a mishmeret where people take upon themselves
not to speak loshon hora for an hour a day. People
give a name for some kind of salvation and I give them a name
to help speed it along. I am, therefore, privy to many
people's hopes and heartaches. One in particular gave me
pause for thought and as this paper has been focusing a lot
on shidduchim recently, I thought I would share it.
This friend gave me a name of a girl who was looking for a
shidduch and contemplated putting her down for a
refua as well. The story emerged that she is a
wonderful girl with sterling character and fine
middos. The problem? A food allergy. She's gluten
intolerant. We decided that a refua isn't in order
here, as this isn't a disease and there is no real cure. What
does require treatment however is the attitude of someone who
would rule out a perfectly good shidduch merely
because of an allergy!
Let's be logical for a moment. Number One: An allergy isn't a
medical condition, it is not necessarily genetic. It is not
progressive or debilitating in any way and has no affect on
marital life. Number Two: An allergy can be developed at any
time in one's life. So what happens if someone marries
another person who develops an allergy later in life or as a
result of pregnancy, which sometimes happens? Do you then
seek a divorce on the basis of an allergy?
Let's be spiritual for a moment. The chareidi public
is very explicit about what foods they will consume. Many
people are very particular and stringent about their
hechsher. What is the difference in searching out food
with a particular hechsher, something which is
considered commendable, and seeking out food without a
certain ingredient, which might disqualify someone on the
shidduch scene?
Now consider this a moment. Judaism values life so much that
(except under specific rabbinical permission) it forbids
doing genetic testing on an unborn baby and certainly, more
rare, terminating a pregnancy on that basis. Children are
considered of the utmost value, even those with birth defects
which will affect them their whole lives. How do we reconcile
our obligation to nurture babies who are less than perfect
— with denying perfectly positive people a desirable
partner only because of a slight imperfection which has
absolutely no bearing on their ability to be good, devoted
wives and mothers, or alternately, husbands and fathers, and
build good Jewish homes in Israel? Are we not responsible for
thwarting the building of such homes by refusing a
shidduch to someone because of something trivial and
irrelevant? Will we not have to accept such responsibility
when the time comes to face the consequences of our decisions
in life?
A hundred years ago, there were no names for many conditions
and no way to treat them. ADD, food allergies and carpal
tunnel syndrome (an injury to the nerves due to stress on the
wrists when typing in an uncomfortable position) and other
non-major conditions were not diagnosed, so they couldn't
hurt shudduchim. Now every seeming imperfection has a
label and presents a potential obstacle to seeing a
shidduch through.
Who's perfect? Especially at age 18 or 20, when most young
people start out on the often long and arduous road to
matrimony. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against being
cautious, and genetic screening has its place. But nowadays,
with heretofore undiagnosed conditions and diseases,
allergies and defects being discovered every day along with
ways to treat them, if we were to safeguard against every
possible potential defect and flaw in our potential mate and
offspring, no one would ever wed.
The most important thing is that two people seem compatible,
spiritually, emotionally and physically. What ever happened
to the faith that shidduchim are made in Heaven by
Hashem Himself and that overcoming quirks, obstacles and
imperfections is part of making a marriage work?
How many people are so perfect that they can demand
flawlessness in appearance, health, middos, affluence,
. . . I mean — come on. And even were such perfection
attainable, would it necessarily guarantee a successful and
happy marriage?
I wonder how many spiritual giants are being denied to the
children of today's parents as spouses because of frivolous
considerations.
Well, who am I to judge? Nobody's perfect.
