Dear Rabbi Engel,
This is the most difficult letter I have ever written. I
believed my husband and I have had a very good marriage
— that is, until recently.
About two years ago, someone told me that they thought my
husband's mother had spread a terrible lie about me. I was
horrified. Although we live in different countries, we call
each other quite frequently. After this conflict, she called
once or twice, but it was too painful for me to speak with
her. All communication between us ceased.
My husband and I recently celebrated our third anniversary.
We have been blessed with a beautiful little girl, who my
mother-in-law has never seen. My husband is a learned man.
This traumatizes me — if the subject of his mother does
come up, he will not speak about it; he shows no reaction at
all.
Now I heard that my husband's parents are coming and will be
staying in a hotel just ten minutes away from us. I am
frantic. I want to do the right thing; however, I feel
completely apprehensive. I have sent you our handwritings,
as you advised. Because of this incident, our marriage is
deteriorating. What do you suggest?
Dear Apprehensive:
Your husband's writing (Figure 1) shows light pressure and a
slightly left-slanted script. This type of writing indicates
a man who is reserved and sensitive to others. He is probably
idealistic, often spiritual, and easily affected by what goes
on around him. Distinctive in his handwriting is that every
'i' dot is written exactly above the stem (see arrows). This
is a sign of strong adherence to details, accuracy and
excellent judgment. This writer has a matter-of-fact,
straightforward style about him. He possesses excellent
concentration skills. People who are considered to be highly
moral, those who weigh every action carefully, place the dots
on the letter "i" exactly above the stem.
Your writing (Figure 2) is comparatively heavier than your
husband's, moves rightward, and displays an abundance of
vitality. You possess a dynamic personality. It is true that
your husband's "hands-off" approach can appear to correspond
with his being reserved and sensitive. There is a stronger
probability, however, owing to your husband's unique trait of
weighing every action, that he has carefully considered this
to be the most appropriate approach. Your husband has an
obligation to respect his parents. He also must respect you.
He probably senses that this is a potentially volatile
circumstance and any overt action taken by him might be
misconstrued as taking the other side. He intelligently
decided that better no action than the wrong action.
But there is something that you can do. You wrote, "Someone
told me that they thought..." Firstly, halachically, you
shouldn't believe what a gossipmonger says, and certainly not
what he or she only "thought." Secondly, the chances are
greater that it is not true. When someone commits such an
act, they probably would not continue calling that very
person. And even for argument's sake, entertaining the remote
possibility of it being true, although from the strict letter
of the halachah, you would not need to forgive, it
nevertheless would be an attribute of humility to forgive
here as well, (Mishnah Berurah, 606:11).
A good idea would be to go with your husband to his parents.
This is a great opportunity that you should take advantage
of. Be light of heart. You are there for peace. You
definitely have the energy for this. Chances are that your
mother-in-law is planning this very trip with every good
intention of seeing you. Together with your davening
and tzedakah, you will know that you did everything
you could.
You will feel wonderful about yourself for doing this. Your
husband will know everything that you did. And by all means,
take along their granddaughter! You will see that, because
you chose to do "the right thing," you will be blessed with
sholom bayis.
* Readers are kindly invited to respond to this article,
regarding the question and the reply. What's your opinion?
We'd like to know. Names will be withheld upon request.
Rabbi Yoseph Engel is a marriage counselor and author of
Advice for Living (Feldheim Publishers, Graphology
at Home, Handwriting Analysis Self-Taught (Penguin
Books.) He can be reached at: (0524-248154).
