We previously discussed winners, and the fact that everyone
can be a winner. What about compulsive winners? Those
children who storm off in a temper if they feel that they are
losing, and will not finish the game? Those children who take
no pleasure in playing, and only play games where they know
they will trounce their opponent. They usually choose a
younger child with whom to play. These children are used to
getting full marks in all their tests and will not tolerate
others besting them in any way. What can parents do to help
them?
There are children who are determined to win at all cost, and
forget that the other competitor has feelings too. It is
essential to make these children who are oblivious to the
feelings of others, realize that it is alright to rejoice in
the partner's success. The self-centered trait is already
obvious at an early age, and a mother should try to help the
child overcome this. When she loses a game to him, she can
tell him how pleased she is that he won, and then he will
also show that he is pleased next time when she wins. He must
learn that it is good to congratulate another person. The
earlier one starts, the more chance there will be of the
child growing up with better character traits.
A second strategy which is recommended by child psychologists
is for the mother to sit down with this child, or with the
family, and say, "In this game, there will be no winners and
no losers. We are just playing for fun, and the game will go
on and on." It might just happen that the child will walk
off, in which case she will have to use any stratagem to keep
him playing. He might begin to enjoy playing a relaxed game,
for the fun of it. Or -- he might not.
Another way to teach the child that winning is not the sole
purpose of a game is to tell him to forget about the rules.
For instance, in a game of memory, to purposely pick up the
wrong matching card, time and again. Or to miss a target with
the ball instead of hitting it -- every single time. This is
especially good if there is a very young child playing too,
and the compulsive winner will see the child's delight (it
might have to be pointed out to him!) when he manages
something that the older ones do not seem to be able to
do.
Sometimes a game which has to be played alone, for instance,
by getting little balls into holes, or alternatively missing
the holes to get them into a particular target, is too
difficult for a child, or he hasn't the patience to work it
through. He may end up quite frustrated and throw the whole
game across the room.
Some parents will hide the game, even though the child begged
them to buy it in the first place. This will keep the home
more peaceful, but will not solve any problems. It is wiser
to show him that he can play it in a different way.
Once again, forget about the rules of the game. If he is
meant to avoid the holes, tell him to drop the balls into the
holes, just for the sake of enjoying a game. The change will
not come about immediately; it takes most of us a lifetime to
work on middos. But if it is OCB (Obsessive Compulsive
Behavior), these ideas will certainly help.
When children habitually excel in school and are constantly
praised for their success, it is quite normal for them to
want to sustain this success in all other walks of life.
Although one cannot ignore his academic achievements, parents
have to assure him that he is precious for his middos,
for the way he treats his siblings, or the way he respects
the feelings of others. If the child perceives that he does
not need constant approbation for his achievements, and is
taught day after day, week after week, that people respect
him and love him not only for his good marks at school, but
for himself, as he is, he will hopefully sort out his values
and priorities into the right perspective.
When very young children first begin to play competetive
games, it is natural that they want to be `the winner.' It
gives them confidence and they feel great. Which is why it is
not a good idea to use the term `loser,' right from the
start. Little children are not mature enough to reason that
next time they might win, and will frequently burst into
tears if they feel they are losers. An older child who cannot
lose at any price, whether he is a perfectionist or one who
disregards the feelings of others or any of the types
mentioned, will have social problems. The other children will
soon begin to taunt him/her, "How come you always have to get
a drink just as you are losing?"
It is interesting to see the different reactions of the two
sexes. Boys are inclined to be aggressive or insulting when
they lose, and girls are more likely to make excuses for
themselves. "I was tired, hungry, had to do my homework so I
couldn't stay till the end etc."
Sore losers are not popular, and will grow up unable to cope
with life's vicissitudes. As so much of our children's time
is spent in play, it is up to us to teach them many of the
rules of life during that time. It is a perfectly normal
reaction to want to win, but remember -- your friends want to
win as well.
