If we were able to conduct a survey amongst babies, asking
them their preferences of who should look after them each
day, Mommy would get a landslide vote. However, we cannot
conduct a poll, nor can Mommy yield to her natural instincts
and to Baby's predilections. Maternity leave is over, or the
bank balance is alarmingly low, or for whatever other reason,
the parents have to weigh their options of where to leave the
baby when mother goes out to work.
There are many considerations to be taken into account, and
what may suit one family will not be the right thing at all
for another. Proximity plays quite an important part in the
decision, and also financial considerations. Perhaps you will
want the baby-sitter to come to your house, to do some light
housework. Alternatively you will opt to leave the child with
a child minder who looks after several other babies, and
frequently has her own, too. Incidentally, one of these
minders, who has an excellent name and is much in demand,
told me that she would not like to send her child to someone
like herself, as she cannot help favoring her own baby,
however kind she is to the others. The other babies receive
care; hers gets love!
However good a baby-sitter is, she cannot possibly attend to
five or six babies simultaneously if they all need attention
at the same time. During the first few months of his life, a
baby learns about relationships and how to react to people.
Thus, a day-care center is not really ideal, as they have
several members of staff, and it is better for a very young
baby to be looked after by one person. A mother who has
looked after the baby for the first twelve weeks of his life
knows how much time and energy she had expended on him and
she recognizes his needs by the tone of each different cry.
Nevertheless, she has to leave him, but where?
Experience is the most important factor to be taken into
account. Some women who have baby-sitting service in order to
earn extra money, are not really suited for the job. They
have to be reliable and honest ("Baby tried to stand up and
fell backwards on his head," or "He ate nothing this
morning"). Recommendations from other mothers are worth a
great deal, yet personal impressions also have to play a
part. In addition, when you are told about a good baby-
sitter, you will have to ask how old the other child was when
she looked after him and for how long she continued. Was the
child happy there and was there reliable communication
between them? Written recommendations are not worth the paper
they are printed on. If an employee asked you for a letter of
reference, would you write anything derogatory?
If you prefer to employ someone who comes to the house, do
not expect her to do more house-work than is compatible with
being a baby-sitter, in order to save money on a cleaning
woman. In the end, you will lose more than you gain. Before
she starts working for you, invite her to the house for the
interview. In this way, she will know in advance whether the
journey is too far for her, and whether the conditions of
work suit her. Furthermore, you will see how she reacts with
your child/ren.
In many places, there are family centers and also day-care
centers which are supervised by the State. Some of these
provide well-balanced meals, recommended by experienced
dieticians, and all are insured against accidents. These are
excellent places but have the disadvantage mentioned above
that small babies need a one-to-one relationship. For older
children, there is also an added disadvantage that they are
exposed to infections because of the proximity to so many
other children at an early age. When many children eat, sleep
and have diapers changed in the same location, there is bound
to be infection and contamination at some time.
The ideal solution for both mothers and their babies is a
loving grandmother who is prepared to come to the house.
However, not all grandmothers are suitable for the job. Some
grandmothers come for short visits, then they have had enough
of the little darlings, and some, who would perhaps be
suitable, live too far away. Others may have completely
different ideas on upbringing and education from their
daughters-in-law or even from their own daughters. If that is
the case, neither side will be happy with the long-term baby-
sitting and it is probably not even worth considering the
positive side of the relationship between grandmothers and
their grandchildren.
Assuming that the grandmother is not still working, lives
close enough and has offered to undertake the babysitting
role, there are some points to be taken into account. First
of all, do not take her for granted; she is happy and willing
to work for you, but she is working. Although most
grandmothers will refuse pay, it is worth insisting. There
are no hard and fast rules. Some will be quite offended that
you offer them money, others will be quite offended if you
don't offer them money. If she remains adamant in her
refusal, then at least there will be no misunderstanding.
When you come home, don't forget to compliment her and to
thank her, whether you pay for her services or not. Actually,
the same applies to all those who work for you! Smiles and
compliments oil the wheels and make life more pleasant for
everyone!
One woman reported that after her first child was born, her
mother came to look after the baby when she returned to work.
She arrived at 7:30 each morning and the woman felt her baby
was in capable hands. When she returned home, her mother had
a hot meal waiting for her and they chatted about how each
had spent the six hours. When Child Number Two was born, and
all subsequent children, grandmother continued in her
role.
Mother hardly had time for a short peck on each child's cheek
before dashing out of the house. Grandmother got the children
up and dressed. She was the one who signed the various notes
for school and she was the first to notice if a child was
ailing. She told them what to wear and when to take a coat or
sweater. There was a strong bond of love between these
grandchildren and their grandmother-cum-babysitter.
Now, twenty years on, Grandmother still comes each day as a
matter of course. She has slowed down considerably and if
truth be told, there are no children for whom to baby-sit. A
cleaning woman comes twice a week, yet Grandmother still
feels needed. There were times when the mother was a little
aggravated by her baby-sitter's criticism. Yet, when it was
justified, she often acted on it. After all, it was her
mother, who only wanted the best for the family. At other
times, she ignored the comments and her mother learned that
there were some topics which were not to be discussed.
This should be a completely idyllic situation. Nevertheless,
there were, and still are, one or two flies in the ointment.
Firstly, one of the mother's siblings was deeply affronted
that her sister had this treasure working for all these
years. She could have done with the same sort of help.
Secondly, some of the other siblings resent the fact that the
grandmother has a much closer relationship with this one
particular set of grandchildren. This is inevitable, for
after all, she raised these children more than the parents
did.
In fact, another woman in similar circumstances reported that
she felt real pangs of jealousy of her own mother. The
grandmother got the children up in the morning, prepared
their snacks or sandwishes, saw them off to school and
greeted them when they came home to a lunch which she had
prepared. It was she who was privy to all their little
secrets and happy or sad experiences at school. This woman
realized she was vexed that the children seemed to love her
mother more than they loved her.
Fortunately for the family, her husband convinced her that
the children were lucky to have two mothers and just because
they confided in the grandmother out of convenience, it did
not mean that they loved their own mother any the less.
There was a case of a grandmother who came to the house and
looked after the children to perfection. However, when the
mother came home from work, the breakfast dishes were still
in the sink and the laundry had not been folded. In fact, the
house was exactly as she had left it. Grandmothers are not
ordinary baby-sitters; one cannot fire them at will. In this
particular case, Hashem took a hand and the grandmother said
it was too difficult for her to continue.
Thus, we see that no situation is one hundred percent
perfect. Nevertheless, if you have to leave a child or
children before they are socially in need of company, who is
more suitable to look after them than your mother or your
husband's mother? Whatever you decide and wherever you decide
to deposit your treasure, remember they are YOUR treasures
and enjoy them when you are able, even if you are tired when
you come from work.
