Without meaning to, I found myself listening to a
conversation between two women who were sitting on a bench in
the park while their children went back and forth from the
slide to the swing.
"So what do you think? That I always get up for every request
that they make? Of course not! If, for example, my two-year-
old daughter wants a drink, I send my four-year-old son. He
already knows how to climb on a chair to get to the faucet,
turn it on and fill up a plastic cup with water. That's a
very big help, even though it sounds like a little thing and
what's the big deal, anyway..."
"To tell the truth," her bench mate agreed, "I, too, was very
glad when I had all kinds of `little' helpers from the big
ones at home. There was no one happier than me when I saw how
the big ones could do a whole bunch of things. Of course, it
happens in stages. But afterwards, there were also times that
I was sorry he knew all those things."
"What, for example?" the first inquired.
"Well, if he knows how to turn on the water faucet, he can
also turn it on to play a bit in the water and splash around.
And I can tell him once, twice, three times but it doesn't
really help."
I agreed with the second lady with all my heart. I've seen
that our lives are just like that. At the beginning, we
expect the children to grow. Do everything ourselves? That's
very hard. If there's already a two-year-old who knows how to
throw out the baby's diaper, that's already a big help. But
the same one also knows how to open up cupboards and play
with the pots, which is hard on us, and we find ourselves
standing in a chaotic kitchen whose cupboards are bare and we
pray wordlessly, "Hashem, please make this child grow up a
bit. It's hard on us with this mess in the kitchen...
"And then he's three. That means that he already knows how to
bring us the blue towel for Sari and the green towel for
Moishe when we're in the bath time rush hour. And here, too,
there's a `but' and we ask that he be four already, because
he also knows quite well to insist he wants a chocolate-
covered wafer that comes in the blue wrapping, and that the
regular one is not good enough.
"As the saying goes: We love his level of knowledge when we
need it, but when it comes to stubbornness about wafers, for
example, we begin praying that he be four. Then, maybe we can
negotiate better; then he'll be a better child and be more
helpful. In other words, help without hindrance. We pray that
he and his attributes grow in such a way that will only
benefit us and not be to our detriment, that it not make
raising him and educating him more difficult."
*
A year later, on exactly the day he was three a year before
and already knew to bring the towels according to their
color, he turns four, and I call to him:
"Yanky, come here, please. Help me serve lunch to the
children. You bring everyone the plates, one by one, without
spilling the pasta." He nods his head, this four-year-old, in
agreement, and with a feeling of pride and pleasure, holds
the plates with both of his two small-large hands.
"This is for Tovi," he announces ceremoniously. Aftewards, he
announces in a loud voice that "This is for Eliyohu. Ima only
gave him noodles because he doesn't like string beans." Aha!
How I kvell from nachas when I hear him hold
forth on the tastes of each child. This is already
comparative thinking, I remember pleasantly, trying to recall
exactly where this fits in Bloom's taxonomy, something I
learned in seminary. And thus, we sit down for lunch.
Suddenly, my husband remembers he forgot to tell me
something.
"You know," he begins, knowing that this isn't the time to
talk about anything serious. We have to look into all the
babies' plates, to follow the food everyone is eating, to
count the pasta he left and the beans that were not
eaten...
"Someone told me today in Kollel that Mrs. Bar-On, our
neighbor, was sitting shiva for her father." He hasn't
even finished the sentence and Moishe already has what to
say. "That's right, Abba. Aharale Bar-On is in my class and
he also told me that a month ago they bought a really nice
chair that's also a rocking chair that you can just sit on
and you can also rock on it."
I had waited for Moishe to be four years old so that he could
bring the plates to the table, but I didn't take into account
that he would also add his own commentary and opinions,
stories and anecdotes and we wouldn't even be able to get a
word in without him hearing, understanding and
interrupting.
Then I waited for him to be five and then six. How happy I
was when Moishe knew how to fold some laundry for me. How
much less fell on my shoulders -- how wonderful! Until one
day, Moishe came to me. "Ima," he said enthusiastically, "I
want to fold the laundry this way and not how you showed me
the first time." Moishe argued and stood his ground. I also
wanted to stand my ground until I decided that it wasn't so
important and left it at that.
So that's it. That's life. We want the children to grow up
and suddenly, we discover that the blessed attributes grow
together with them and they also have their drawbacks.
Independent doesn't only mean knowing how to help but also
doing what he wants and how he decides. Responsible isn't
only knowing how to take care of younger siblings but to feel
responsible enough for tasks which he doesn't understand
exactly, for which he isn't really responsible enough.
When we discover the difficult side of the coin, we want to
return it and get change... to go back a few years. It was
better when they were younger.
Was it really? As with everything -- there are two sides to
the coin.
