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3 Av 5764 - July 21, 2004 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Out of Balance
by Bayla Gimmel

I filled my washing machine with a mixed load that consisted of a large tablecloth, some shirts and a few other items. When I came back an hour later to check on the progress of the wash, I found that the machine had stopped during the spin cycle.

There it sat with a little soapy water on the bottom, the tablecloth and two of the shirts on one side of the agitator, and only a couple of light things on the other side.

Why did it stop? The machine can be damaged by spinning in that manner and therefore, the washing machine has a feature that shuts it down when it gets out of balance.

We live in a world which, sadly, is way out of balance. However, through the infinite kindness of Hashem, our world does not shut down. It keep spinning in spite of all of its problems. But that is certainly not the best-case scenario.

A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking to a professor who had participated in a conference on some aspects of the so-called `peace' negotiations. She told me that at least two of the papers that were presented pointed out that it is only the ultra-Orthodox here in Eretz Yisroel who have large families.

`Regular' Israelis marry later than we do, and have approximately the same number of children as most non-Jewish Europeans and Americans. Therefore, both of these academic papers concluded, the only way to stop the Arabs from becoming the majority of the Israeli population within a generation is to give them large chunks of land and establish a state for them.

The people at the conference, for the most part secular Israelis, just nodded in agreement and went on with their lives. Why have one-child families? "Because that's what `everyone' is doing." A world out of balance.

We teach our daughters about tzniyus at home, and our schools stress it in the classrooms, assemblies and after school activities. Then we go into town to buy our children new clothing for Shabbos and festivals.

Have you been in a clothing store for teenage girls recently? Try to find a top that doesn't have sequins, metallic beads, darts that shape the shirt rather pointedly, and then maybe an overblouse made of shiny flimsy material.

And what goes with these garments? A long skinny skirt. Modest? No way! Why do shops in the frum shopping area carry such things? Because that's the `style.' A world out of kilter.

One of my sons has always been an energetic self-starter. He was the Pirchei leader in high school, the head swimming counselor and camp lifeguard in his yeshiva years etc.

I remember many years ago, back in California, when I took this boy, then fourteen, to buy a suit to take with him when he went East to yeshiva high school. The salesman explained that the mens' suit style was in the process of slowly changing from single-breasted to double-breasted and that they had approximately equal numbers of suits in each style in stock.

My son tried on a couple of suits and was busy deciding which he liked best. This was before Elul. I came up with what I thought was a good idea and said, "Why don't you take your old suit with you for the next month? Then when you come home for Succos, you'll know if the boys in your yeshiva are wearing single- breasted or double-breasted and you can buy a suit then."

My son looked at me for a minute and said, "Please, Mom, I would rather buy a new suit now." When I reiterated that he didn't know what the style would be, he calmly said, "In my yeshiva, I'll set the style."

He bought the double-breased suit of his choice and took it with him. Sure enough, the other boys, who had worn their old suits for Elul, came back to yeshiva after Succos with double- breasted suits!

If we have the self confidence that is part of knowing what is right and fulfill our role as the "light unto the nations," then we will set the style in our mixed-up world.

The `style' in Jewish homes for millennia has been for the children to honor their parents. Why is it that we now see not only Jewish families but frum families where the children are calling the shots? If the parents want to take on early Shabbos, they take a `democratic' vote or sometimes even ask their children permission to do so!

What happened to, "Children, I would like to remind you that during the summer months, our shul will again have a minyon that takes on Shabbos early. In past years, we were part of that minyon and it worked out nicely. Please make sure to be home early this Friday afternoon. Plag mincha is a little after six." If you say it matter-of-factly, with conviction, the children will say, "Yes, Tatty," or at the very least, you will elicit an, "Okay."

That goes for bedtime and other areas of potential conflict. "Children, it is seven o'clock. Please put your toys away. Bedtime is in fifteen minutes." Again, calmly and with conviction. An hour of chaotic shouting, "Go to sleep! Get into bed right NOW and I mean it!" in a voice that says, "I don't for a minute expect you to listen but this is somehow what I think I am supposed to be saying," is all part of the world that is out of balance.

We really do have to start with restoring the balance in our own homes. That alone will do wonders. Then we can go on to our neighborhoods. If on your block there are clusters of teens, girls here and boys ten meters away, hanging out after the Friday night meal, there are a couple of ways to handle the situation. We can take a leaf from a certain other culture and ignore it, saying, "That's the way kids are these days," or we can do something constructive about it.

Constructive does not mean having self-appointed vigilantes go out on Friday nights to spit on these children. It means organizing separate groups for the boys and the girls and giving these teens an Oneg Shabbos program.

There are older bochurim, recent seminary graduates and young married couples who could volunteer their time, energy and perhaps homes to mentor and lead such groups. We have to motivate everyone involved to become style-setters. I don't think any of these kids likes being on the street; we just haven't provided them with an alternative.

When the washer stopped, I reached in and pulled apart the various items, putting the tablecloth on one side and all of the other wet clothes on the other. Then I stood by to do the same when the machine spun out the water from the rinse cycle. It just takes a little effort and a bit of ingenuity. We don't have to live in a world that is out of kilter!

 

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