I filled my washing machine with a mixed load that consisted
of a large tablecloth, some shirts and a few other items.
When I came back an hour later to check on the progress of
the wash, I found that the machine had stopped during the
spin cycle.
There it sat with a little soapy water on the bottom, the
tablecloth and two of the shirts on one side of the agitator,
and only a couple of light things on the other side.
Why did it stop? The machine can be damaged by spinning in
that manner and therefore, the washing machine has a feature
that shuts it down when it gets out of balance.
We live in a world which, sadly, is way out of balance.
However, through the infinite kindness of Hashem, our world
does not shut down. It keep spinning in spite of all of its
problems. But that is certainly not the best-case
scenario.
A couple of weeks ago, I was speaking to a professor who had
participated in a conference on some aspects of the so-called
`peace' negotiations. She told me that at least two of the
papers that were presented pointed out that it is only the
ultra-Orthodox here in Eretz Yisroel who have large
families.
`Regular' Israelis marry later than we do, and have
approximately the same number of children as most non-Jewish
Europeans and Americans. Therefore, both of these academic
papers concluded, the only way to stop the Arabs from
becoming the majority of the Israeli population within a
generation is to give them large chunks of land and establish
a state for them.
The people at the conference, for the most part secular
Israelis, just nodded in agreement and went on with their
lives. Why have one-child families? "Because that's what
`everyone' is doing." A world out of balance.
We teach our daughters about tzniyus at home, and our
schools stress it in the classrooms, assemblies and after
school activities. Then we go into town to buy our children
new clothing for Shabbos and festivals.
Have you been in a clothing store for teenage girls recently?
Try to find a top that doesn't have sequins, metallic beads,
darts that shape the shirt rather pointedly, and then maybe
an overblouse made of shiny flimsy material.
And what goes with these garments? A long skinny skirt.
Modest? No way! Why do shops in the frum shopping area
carry such things? Because that's the `style.' A world out of
kilter.
One of my sons has always been an energetic self-starter. He
was the Pirchei leader in high school, the head swimming
counselor and camp lifeguard in his yeshiva years etc.
I remember many years ago, back in California, when I took
this boy, then fourteen, to buy a suit to take with him when
he went East to yeshiva high school. The salesman explained
that the mens' suit style was in the process of slowly
changing from single-breasted to double-breasted and that
they had approximately equal numbers of suits in each style
in stock.
My son tried on a couple of suits and was busy deciding which
he liked best. This was before Elul. I came up with what I
thought was a good idea and said, "Why don't you take your
old suit with you for the next month? Then when you come home
for Succos, you'll know if the boys in your yeshiva are
wearing single- breasted or double-breasted and you can buy a
suit then."
My son looked at me for a minute and said, "Please, Mom, I
would rather buy a new suit now." When I reiterated that he
didn't know what the style would be, he calmly said, "In my
yeshiva, I'll set the style."
He bought the double-breased suit of his choice and took it
with him. Sure enough, the other boys, who had worn their old
suits for Elul, came back to yeshiva after Succos with double-
breasted suits!
If we have the self confidence that is part of knowing what
is right and fulfill our role as the "light unto the
nations," then we will set the style in our mixed-up
world.
The `style' in Jewish homes for millennia has been for the
children to honor their parents. Why is it that we now see
not only Jewish families but frum families where the
children are calling the shots? If the parents want to take
on early Shabbos, they take a `democratic' vote or sometimes
even ask their children permission to do so!
What happened to, "Children, I would like to remind you that
during the summer months, our shul will again have a
minyon that takes on Shabbos early. In past years, we
were part of that minyon and it worked out nicely.
Please make sure to be home early this Friday afternoon.
Plag mincha is a little after six." If you say it
matter-of-factly, with conviction, the children will say,
"Yes, Tatty," or at the very least, you will elicit an,
"Okay."
That goes for bedtime and other areas of potential conflict.
"Children, it is seven o'clock. Please put your toys away.
Bedtime is in fifteen minutes." Again, calmly and with
conviction. An hour of chaotic shouting, "Go to sleep! Get
into bed right NOW and I mean it!" in a voice that says, "I
don't for a minute expect you to listen but this is somehow
what I think I am supposed to be saying," is all part of the
world that is out of balance.
We really do have to start with restoring the balance in our
own homes. That alone will do wonders. Then we can go on to
our neighborhoods. If on your block there are clusters of
teens, girls here and boys ten meters away, hanging out after
the Friday night meal, there are a couple of ways to handle
the situation. We can take a leaf from a certain other
culture and ignore it, saying, "That's the way kids are these
days," or we can do something constructive about
it.
Constructive does not mean having self-appointed vigilantes
go out on Friday nights to spit on these children. It means
organizing separate groups for the boys and the girls and
giving these teens an Oneg Shabbos program.
There are older bochurim, recent seminary graduates
and young married couples who could volunteer their time,
energy and perhaps homes to mentor and lead such groups. We
have to motivate everyone involved to become style-setters. I
don't think any of these kids likes being on the street; we
just haven't provided them with an alternative.
When the washer stopped, I reached in and pulled apart the
various items, putting the tablecloth on one side and all of
the other wet clothes on the other. Then I stood by to do the
same when the machine spun out the water from the rinse
cycle. It just takes a little effort and a bit of ingenuity.
We don't have to live in a world that is out of kilter!
