Once, I took a cab ride with a driver who appeared to be far
from Torah and mitzvos. Along the way, he started
talking about his brother who had moved to America. "He moved
to California and became religious," he murmured. After a
pause, he added softly, "If I lived in California, I'd also
be religious."
And he started to explain, "In California, everything is more
open. Here, either you are religious or you're not. If I
started keeping Shabbat and wearing a kipa, my secular
friends and relatives would laugh at me. And the religious
wouldn't accept me at all. They'd say, `He keeps Shabbat but
he doesn't observe everything. He keeps kosher but not to our
standard. He prays, but not with a minyan all the
time.' No, I'd rather stay secular; this way, nobody
criticizes me or says I'm not sincere or serious. When I want
to pray, I close the shutters in my room and do so without
anyone knowing about it."
I was shocked and saddened. Here, in Eretz Yisroel, there are
Jews who close the shutters when they pray? I tried to reason
with him but his mind was made up and soon we arrived at my
destination.
Years later, whenever I need to explain to my children why
those people over there don't dress like we do, or why that
man with a kipa in the restaurant didn't wash or
bench, I remember that cab driver. On the one hand, we
need to impress upon our children the importance of
maintaining our standards in halocho. We need to
instill in them an appreciation for the beauty and the
tremendous value of each and every mitzva and the
importance of constantly trying to improve.
On the other hand, we need to be very careful not to exclude
Jews who are not holding by those same standards, at least
not yet. If each mitzva performed is like a precious
jewel, then we must focus on the adornments of the people
with whom we come in contact. We can raise children who look
around and instead of seeing a world of people who are
inconsistent, hypocritical or insincere, see a world of
people gathering the precious jewels. True, some are
gathering them slowly, some are just beginning, some are
passing by far more than they are picking up, but we are all
Jews and every mitzva is for the good of Klall
Yisroel.
Children can be taught from a young age that not everyone
grows up in a strong religious family, not everyone gets the
chance to learn in a place of Torah. How fortunate they are!
They should never take these things for granted. These
privileges bring with them responsibilities -- to judge
favorably those Jews who did not benefit from the same
background, and to be a good example which brings honor to
the Torah.
In Pirkei Ovos 1:6 it says, "Make for yourself a Rov
and acquire for yourself a friend, and judge every man
favorably." Perhaps the order is meant to teach us something
important. It is important for a family to have a Rov and a
derech, first and foremost. Then the individual and
the family can acquire friends who are positive spiritual
influences. Finally, with that firm spiritual grounding, the
individual and the family can judge every man favorably,
including those on another sidepath or those at other points
along the same path.
Within the Torah world, help your children to appreciate the
customs and lifestyles of different communities. Focus on
what we all share and the strong positive emphases of
different communities and their cultures/customs.
If you have opportunities to do Kiruv work, involve your
children in hosting Shabbos guests who are far from Torah or
on the way back. When the children see you are investing a
lot of effort into ensuring that a total stranger experiences
a Shabbos atmosphere, they will have an even greater
appreciation of the holiness of Shabbos and the mitzva
of loving every Jew.
Bring honor to the Torah. Explain to your children that when
they are out in public or traveling in non-relgious areas,
they are walking advertisements for the Torah way of life.
Let them be the kids on the public bus who don't push and
shove, who get up to give the older people a seat, who smile
at the driver and thank him. The whole bus is watching and
maybe someone there will decide he also wants to raise
wonderful children like those.
Sadly, many secular children grow up with the feeling of `us'
and `them.' They feel a permanent division which separates
them from the religious people they encounter. A religious
child, on the other hand, can grow up with the realization
that these divisions among the Jewish people are only
temporary. Please G-d, we will soon be redeemed and all
united in the service of Hashem.
