At the wedding of her first daughter, Mrs. S. was in seventh
heaven. Every other dance found her inside the kalla's
circle, enjoying every minute of hers and her daughter's
simcha. After the wedding, as the two sides gathered
for family pictures, she exclaimed to the chosson's
mother, "Wasn't that a great chasuna? Didn't you have
a wonderful time?"
The chosson's mother, who was marrying off her fourth
child, stared at her new mechutenes in surprise. "What
do you mean?" she replied. "I was in and out of the kitchen
four times!"
"What were you doing in the kitchen?" Mrs. S. asked
innocently.
"I had to make sure everything was running smoothly! I had to
make sure they were putting out all the food we ordered,
serving each course on time and saving us leftovers."
To the untrained eye, weddings seem to be well-oiled
operations. Hours before the first guests arrive, the
catering truck pulls up to the hall, chefs begin re-heating
the food, the florist sets out decorations, musicians bring
in their instruments and waiters and waitresses lay the
tables. As the last guests are leaving, the caterer packs up
the leftovers, the band disassembles its equipment and the
cleaning staff arrives to make the hall presentable for the
next night's event.
However, each wedding is a singular affair. Just as every
chosson and kalla are unique, so, too, is their
simcha. Will yours be one that is remembered as having
started two hours late (because the mesader kiddushim
was stuck in traffic), or the one at which hundreds of
bochurim stood around waiting while the guests were
still eating (because no one kept the courses coming)? While
any delay can throw a wedding off schedule, there are things
you can do to keep your wedding running as smoothly as
possible.
Delegate, Delegate, Delegate
One of the best ways to keep your simcha on course is
to delegate one or more people who are not related to the
wedding party to specific jobs, and introduce them to your
staff as your representatives. You have enough to do just
being the hostess. Ask for help wherever you can.
To start the evening off right, the chosson's shomer
should be responsible for providing the candles, the wine,
the becher, the chosson's kos (the lightweight
glass which is broken during the ceremony), the kittel
and the tenoim/kesuba documents. How many
chuppas have you attended that were delayed because
one or more of the above was missing? The shomer
should also make sure that the wine and the becher
don't disappear when it's time for benching.
After the chuppa, have a close friend monitor the
catering. She can make sure that courses are served on time,
that relatives are served first (not last!) and that the bar
is set up early and restocked frequently -- and know who's in
charge of getting things moving.
Responsible younger brothers and sisters of the
chosson and kalla love to be "in charge" of
gifts. Try to designate a gift-collection point beforehand
(such as chedder yichud or an office closet) to avoid
having gifts pile up on the floor behind the main table.
Other children could be in charge of distributing
benchers at the proper time (and collecting those that
are left behind on the tables).
Musical Chairs
"You tend to be `out of it' as a parent," comments Mrs. H.,
who has married off several children. "At my first wedding, I
asked a friend to make sure that everyone in my family got
their meals. That proved to be a wise decison, because right
after the chuppa, all the guests rushed inside to find
seats while our family was still outside, reliving the
emotion of the chuppa.
"When we finally went inside, my daughters didn't have
anywhere to sit. I was busy with the chosson's mother
and grandmother at the head table. My friend went around
moving girls to other tables so my daughters could sit
together."
Reserving tables of `family', `out-of-town relatives', `co-
workers' etc. could solve this seating dilemma. Some American-
style weddngs use place cards to direct guests to specific
tables. If you do this, be sure to post one or two young
people next to the place-card table to help guests find their
cards quickly, or else you'll have a bottleneck at the
entrance to the hall.
"At every simcha, I always had a few lonely people who
didn't know where to sit," remembers Mrs. M. "I appointed
people to sit with them to make sure they had someone to talk
to."
Mrs. Y. did a similar chessed for her four elderly
aunts who came to Eretz Yisroel for the first time in honor
of her wedding. She `assigned' a different seminary friend to
each aunt. Each girl made sure that `her' aunt had a chair
beside the chuppa, whatever she needed during the
seuda and an escort to lead her in and out of the
dancing. This type of attention also creates a wonderful
Kiddush Hashem for non-religious friends and relatives, as it
makes them feel more involved.
Working with Photographers
Many baalei simcha arrive at the wedding hall
expecting to have all their memories preserved in the photo
album of their dreams. This won't happen by itself. They more
you plan and discuss your needs with your photographer, the
closer your simcha will approach your vision.
Decide beforehand what kinds of pictures you want to see in
your wedding album. Do you want to have twenty-five studio
portraits of the kalla or will four suffice? Do you
want to see the chosson and kalla in every
single dancing photo, or do you want to see other family
members and close friends dancing as well? Are table pictures
important to you? You may want to make a list of the pictures
you want taken to remind yourself during the excitement of
the evening.
Unfortunately, your guests must often rush to greet the
kalla moments before the badeken because the
photographer kept her busy taking pictures for forty-five
minutes beforehand. And too often, guests are kept waiting
long after the first course to begin dancing, because the
chosson and kalla are busy posing with all
their family members.
If you're serious about keeping your wedding on schedule,
book your pre- chuppa photo session for a few hours
before the reception begins. Take the big, extended family
pictures after your guests leave. After chedder
yichud, the chosson and kalla could take a
few pictures together and pose with their parents and
grandparents -- and then return to their guests. All other
pictures should be on your own time, not on everyone
else's.
"It's a good idea to have a friend help you organize the
pictures you want to take," adds Mrs. K. "For the big,
extended family photo at the end of the evening, for example,
my friend quickly rounded up all the brothers, sisters and
cousins for the photographer. During the dancing, she often
pointed out to the photographer when I was dancing with my
closest friends."
Working with Musicians
While some people think that the band is just another wedding
prop, the reality is far different. Your orchestra is an
integral part of your wedding which can turn even a small
simcha into a rousing affair. There is a symbiotic
relationship between the band and the dancers that, if played
to its best advantage, will keep everyone on their toes for
round after round of spirited dancing. But this relationship
must be nurtured.
The location of the band is critical. "The musicians need a
place to play that will honor the guests," explains Gedaliah
Shofnos, a popular orchestra leader for more than twenty
years, originally from America. "If they're stuck in a corner
or put under a low ceiling off to the side, you get sound
that's accentuated and louder than it should be -- not to
mention disinterested musicians. The band also needs to have
eye contact with the dancers."
For these reasons, a central location in the hall, close to
the center of the room, is crucial.
Delegating a family member or friend as an intermediary for
the band will enhance the interaction between musicians and
dancers. The truth is that the band is answerable to many
people -- the chosson, the kalla, two sets of
parents... and every relative, friend and bochur on
the dance floor. Everyone has something to say.
For example, at rabbonishe weddings, the entrance of
every new rosh yeshiva invariably brings someone over to the
orchestra to demand another round of "Yomim al yemei
melech..."
"We can play Yomim for ten minutes until the guests
have it coming out of their ears, but each time we start to
play another song, someone comes over to tell us to play it
again," Shofnos recalls. "The hosts should trust the band's
judgment, and also assign someone as an intermediary, to
tactfully say `no' to unreasonable requests."
Surprisingly, the catering can slow down the momentum of the
band and the dancers... or extinguish it altogether. By
serving the courses too quickly, too much time is freed up
for dancing, which overtaxes the guests.
"People generally want to be done with the meal before the
guests arrive for dancing, but one shouldn't rush it," says
Shofnos. "When you have too much time left for dancing,
people can't hold up. One to one-and-a-half hours is a
maximum for a dance segment, even when bochurim are
present. There should be a first course, then dancing, a
second course, then dancing, benching, then
dancing."
On the other hand, the musicians and caterer can work
together to get even the most delayed wedding back on
schedule. Shofnos cites a recent wedding in which the
chuppa didn't get underway until eight o'clock. With
the approval of the hosts, the band shortened its dance
segment and the caterer speeded up the meal service. The
seuda was over by 9:30 and the simchas chosson
v'kalla started right on time.
Orchestra leader Gedaliah Shofnos can be reached at 02-585-
1278 or 067-608- 470.
