It is 3 a.m. Lights are burning. Pages rustle. Sleep is
pushed away as people enthusiastically and energetically
delve into their learning. The late hour only serves to
generate more energy and stamina. The natural inclination to
close the eyes and fall asleep is victoriously defeated.
TIKKUN LEIL SHAVUOS.
If our ancestors' lack of enthusiasm for receiving the Torah
led them to oversleep on that important day of the Giving of
the Torah, we are deliberately and energetically making up
for it now. This Tikkun is accomplished with holiness,
positivity and joy. We are not dwelling on the mistakes of
the past. We are moving forward, imbued with our growing
appreciation of Torah. Even natural functions like sleeping
can be pushed away for its sake.
Tikkun is such a powerful experience -- it can replace
regret with zeal, discouragement with resolve, and weakness
with strength. A child should grow up with the concept of
Tikkun as an integral part of the way he looks at
imperfections in himself and the world around him.
Criticism vs. Tikkun
When it comes to changing bad habits, traits or behaviors,
sometimes criticism and rebuke are ineffective. But a chance
to do a Tikkun can powerfully alter the situation. If
a child is used to behaving in a certain negative way,
criticism may only serve to reinforce his image of himself as
possessing that negative trait. The chance to do a
Tikkun can free him from his self- perceptions. Once a
child has one or more experiences of breaking free from old
patterns, he opens up a greater range of possibilities for
the future, both with regard to the particular trait
involved, as well as with regards to other traits.
Tikkun Experiences
CAMPAIGNS -- Get out the markers and the poster boards and
make a chart that rewards your child for the desired
behavior. Every day when the habit is broken or the new
behavior is performed, the child can see points or stars on
the chart. When enough points are collected, the child
receives a prize.
ASSIGN TASKS -- Instead of always appointing the responsible
child to take care of jobs requiring responsibility, the
organized one to tidy the house and the patient one to take
care of younger siblings, switch things around. As long as
you stay in the background to watch out for major problems,
it will be a learning experience for everyone. Praise
liberally and avoid comparions!
LET CHILDREN FIX MISTAKES -- When they make a mistake and do
something wrong, let them make up for it by fixing the
problem. Did they yell loudly, waking up the napping toddler?
Let them read him stories till he falls back to sleep. Did
they play roughly and break something? Let them do chores to
earn money to pay for it. They should realize that everyone
makes mistakes. Maturity means taking responsibility for the
consequences.
AVOID LABELS -- Obviously, it is motzi shem ra to
label children as `the irresponsible one,' `the lazy one' or
`the stubborn one.' But even neutral labels, like `the
studious one,' `the organized one' or `the popular one' are
to be avoided. Some children feel they are expected to play
out a certain fixed role, and are not free to develop in
different directions. The `studious one' should also learn to
enjoy spending time with friends; the `organized one' may
need to learn to be more flexible and creative, and the
`popular one' may need to spend some time alone reading and
thinking. Don't make them feel it's out of character for them
to be multi- faceted.
Often children in a family where labels are used regularly
feel that specific children in the family have monopolies on
particular traits. The brother of the `studious one' may feel
he can never bring home grades like his brother, and stop
trying to succeed in school. The sister of the `organized
one' may leave her clutter all around, expecting her sister
to take care of it.
Each person is really a combination of many different traits,
and some traits have yet to be developed. If you notice a
particular trait in one child, see if you can find it in the
other children as well. It is probably in there somewhere,
just waiting to be brought to the surface. The more you can
comment on that mostly-hidden trait when you do see a glimmer
of it, the more the child will remember that he possesses it
and will use it when appropriate.
Try Dramatics
Encourage children to make up and act out plays and skits in
which they play out different roles. If you want to encourage
a certain behavior, you can ask the children to make up
`advertisements' promoting the behavior. Let them use
costumes and props, play tapes or background music, and use
narration and dialogue to market the midda, mitzva or
behavior. Their own creative, humorous pieces may make a
deeper impression on everyone than yet another lecture from
an adult.
The Joy of Tikkun
Close your eyes and imagine your children standing in a row.
Each child is holding in his hands an object that symbolizes
his strong point. Perhaps a book for the studious one, a
flower for the affectionate one, a clock for the efficient
one etc. Now change the image and imagine that each child is
holding a large basket containing their special object. They
can each add many more objects to their basket and will
continue to add objects throughout their lives. Help them
find valuable objects to add to their baskets, and if they
drop something along the way, help them retrieve it. Don't
criticize. Don't punish. Just help them put it back in their
basket so it will be there when they need it.
It is for Shavuos and for the whole year. Share the joy of
Tikkun with your family.
