Young children speak their minds freely, never thinking what
effect their words will have. A little girl might say to the
teacher, "Please don't wear that dress tomorrow. I don't like
it." Teacher smiles and is not in the least offended. As the
child matures, s/he learns to polish his speech, and choose
his words more carefully. He observes the adults' response to
his speech and picks up what is acceptable and what is
frowned upon. (Some children with semantic/pragmatic
difficulties have to be taught slowly and painstakingly what
they may say and what should be left unsaid.)
If the child is ignored or laughed at, chided, criticized or,
worse still, even punished because of what he has said, he
will learn to keep his mouth shut. He hasn't yet grasped the
fine details of social speech and behavior, so he will prefer
not to communicate his thoughts at all, if that is the
response he gets. Thus, the important lines of communication
between parents and children are effectively closed.
Why is it so important to have children communicate openly?
When children come from school and prattle about their
experiences, or teenagers grumble or rejoice about certain
events, it is so much easier to help them if they express
themselves openly and frankly.
Parents have to learn to listen. Children are adept at
knowing whether your mind is on what they are saying. Not
just listening and commenting at the appropriate pauses, but
listening to the message between the lines. The child must
feel that what he is saying is important to the parent, not,
as sometimes happens, that you can't wait for him to
finish.
Comments should show the child that you are participating in
his experience. E.g., "You must have felt terrible when you
realized that the key wasn't in your pocket." Or, "How did
you manage to write such a wonderful story?" "Did the teacher
just ask you to do this, or did she ask everybody?" This
listening has to begin when the child is still in
kindergarten, although at that age they talk non-stop.
Nevertheless, if you don't listen to their inane chatter when
they are small, they will think that you feel their more
important `chatter' when they are older is also inane.
There is no need to listen to the child for twenty-four hours
a day. He does not have to dominate your life. If he knows
that you are prepared to give him time, he won't be offended
if you say, "Look, I'm busy just now but when I've
finished... I will be more relaxed to talk." Or, "You have
had a long turn to talk to me. Now it's somebody else's
turn." To a young child, it is quite in order to say, "Now I
need a little peace and quiet, and you also need to play
quietly for a while." Incidentally, listening to children
speaking to each other is often more revealing than if they
confide in you!
Sometimes children voice ridiculous ideas or different
opinions from yours. It is a bad mistake to laugh at them.
If, for instance, he sees you writing out a check for the
grocer, he cannot understand why you said you had no money to
buy him a new bike. If you take the time to explain why this
is different, even listening to his arguments, he will speak
his mind next time, which he might not do if you just shut
him off with a curt refusal. If, in spite of your
explanation, he just does not see the difference between
buying a bike and feeding the family, it will pay to reply,
"Maybe you're right," or "I never thought of it that way," or
"That's an interesting point of view. You are entitled to
your opinion and I am entitled to mine."
If you feel the child is just arguing for argument's sake and
is not open to an explanation, the ubiquitous story might be
a solution: the hypothetical boy/girl who wanted/said a
particular thing. Sometimes, a child connects the two,
sometimes it needs several stories and examples. Above all,
show the child respect and don't put him down (often, easier
said than done).
Teenagers frequently look like young men and women, but in
reality, are still children. This is the time when an
outgoing child who communicates is far better off than the
one who keeps his own counsel. It is much easier to guide a
child who has always been accustomed to be open and confide
in his parents. When a child insists that the teacher hates
him, listen and commiserate. Empathizing does not mean that
you agree with the statement. "Why do you think she hates
you?" shows the child that you are really trying to solve the
problem. When parents are not censorious, children will
confess their failures and relate unhappy events as openly as
they tell about the highlights of their day.
Youngsters think they know everything and that they certainly
know it better than their parents. The ones who do not
communicate with their parents are in for a great deal of
trouble. A young man went to his family doctor with some rare
complaint. He stipulated that his parents were not to be
told. Much worry and heartache could have been prevented if
his father, who suffered from the same disease, had been more
open with him.
There was the case of a young man who had been brought up
with the maxim, "Never borrow money. If you don't have it,
don't buy." In this particular case, the young man felt
justified in borrowing and knew exactly how he was going to
repay the loan. There had never been any candor with his
parents who might have been able to give him some advice or
help him in some other way to solve his problem.
Even in times of stress and anger, a child must be able to
have one confidant. He may have annoyed his parents to such
an extent that they cannot exchange words with him, and both
sides are upset and uncomfortable. Unless one of them
discusses the incident with him, both sides will feel
justified and the gap will only widen. If they close all
doors to him, the child will not be the one to try to make
amends. At least with some discussion, they might just have a
chance of making him see the error or his ways. Therapists
who try to help dropouts report that they often hear things
which sicken them. Nevertheless, they listen and converse in
the hopes that one day, the youth will want a way back and
then he will have a line of communication.
Encouraging and nurturing young children's natural candor
pays dividends on all counts. However, this frankness cannot
be one-sided. If parents include their children in their
plans and ideas where possible, there will be an atmosphere
of ease and openness in the home.
