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Home
and Family
Fear
by A. Ross, M.Ed.
Fear is something felt by everyone at some time or other.
Since the ghastly incident of the Twin Towers, fear has
stalked a large percentage of the world population. The fear
can be rational or irrational. Frequently, it is stark
terror, which is very difficult to fight, and can lead to
breakdown. Fear itself is a healthy emotion. It prescribes
caution, action, or non- action. Don't drive through a red
light; turn off the gas when you smell a leak; don't accept
lifts from strangers etc. Terror, on the other hand, leads to
panic, and immobilizes our minds and paralyzes our bodies.
People can be helped to fight fear by their early training. A
child who lies in bed tense and afraid of the nameless, will
not have the same calm nervous system as a child whose mother
makes him go to bed on time and sits with him for a while,
perhaps telling him a story before he says Shema. Also, the
child who is kept over-stimulated by an excitable parent is
more easily aroused to exaggerated nervous reaction when the
occasion arises than a child who is kept calm. In families
blessed with numerous children, sitting with each one at
night is not always a practical suggestion. Frequently, older
siblings are very popular surrogate mothers or fathers. Each
family must find their own way to a calm bedtime.
Moderation and self discipline are a most important part of
our defense mechanism. A mature person can be moderate in all
things. He can free himself from emotional dictation and act
after suitable deliberation. We are all influenced by
feeling, so when we act, feelings color our actions. We are
so often afraid of unpleasant feelings, we suspect that they
will become even more unpleasant if we face them, so we try
to extinguish them before they become established. But the
unpleasant feelings are not extinguished and are inclined to
raise their heads when we are weakened by illness, or other
worries, and unable to cope. Once again, moderation and self
control can be inculcated at a very early age.
Indulgent parents quickly substitute something the child
likes for something he does not like. Thus, as he grows up,
he wants a quick release from unpleasantness, before giving
his emotions a chance to calm down. Education should
include training to bear unpleasantness and letting the first
shock pass till one can think more clearly. A chapter of
Tehillim, or a short prayer, even in a language which is not
in the siddur, should be encouraged as soon as a child
can read. Many an unbearable situation becomes more
manageable if the child (particularly an emotional teenager)
is encouraged to think about it, pray about it and then
discuss it, if he is prepared to. There is an old Chinese
proverb, "Trouble is a tunnel through which we pass, and not
a brick wall against which we must break our heads."
Fear, as mentioned, is accompanied by action. Someone who is
afraid will gather all the information he can on how to
protect himself against what he fears. On the other hand,
someone plagued by irrational fears, terror of the unknown,
will try to run away from the situation. He will not turn up
for an exam, she might absent herself from a Parent-Teachers
evening for fear, or rather panic, of what the teacher will
say about her daughter. Instead of overcoming a fear of
water, they will refuse to have swimming lessons.
With the world as it is and the daily running commentary of
what has happened, what might happen, what is likely or
unlikely to happen, it is small wonder that so much of the
population (statistics put it as high as twenty-five percent)
is steeped in panic and depression. People suffer from
symptoms ranging from sleeplessness, overeating /
undereating, palpitations, shortness of breath. Many people
who were easy going and calm and never seemed fazed by
anything suddenly become impatient with their children for no
apparent reason. They find themselves bursting into tears at
the slightest provocation. What are they to do? Where are
they to go?
There are clinics and hot lines for all ages and for many
situations. Friends and relations can do a good deal to help
the unfortunate sufferers. Persuade them to keep to routine,
encourage them to speak, even if they have heard it all
before; explain that they are not alone and that things will
improve. Above all, emphasize that neither the politicians
nor the medical advisors run the world. They are fallible
human beings, just as the panic-stricken sufferers are.
Hashem runs the world and worries about us at least as much
as we worry about ourselves. So why not leave the worry to
Him?
This is easier said than done. Some people are more prone to
insecurity and fear than others: partly by upbringing, as
mentioned before, but partly by their nature. The public is
well educated on the whole, and many people realize that
medication prescribed at clinics is not really the best cure
for trauma victims. It deadens the feeling of terror, but
does it remove it completely?
There are many trained counselors, some of them observant
Jewish men and women, who help people become more self
reliant, and then, hopefully, to rely on their Creator to
protect them.
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