Talking with children skillfully is an essential art for
those of us who are either parents or teachers of toddlers
and tots. We all know that our impact on those little ones is
vast, so let's review some ways to make our efforts in this
sphere more perfect and complete.
For example, adults are often busy and preoccupied, so we
might neglect to establish eye contact when greeting a child
[who is far below our eye level] or forget to call him by
name. These two simple techniques can greatly improve one's
relationship with anyone, but especially with impressionable
small children. Challenge yourself to use eye contact and
names in a friendly way as frequently as possible during the
day. You will definitely see results! Remember the
`friendly' part because too many children hear their names
used most often as the preliminary to a stern reprimand,
creating a negative association [to you or to their own
name!]
The importance of smiling cannot be overemphasized. To
children, the world is a big place with many unknown factors.
In order to blossom, they need ever so much warmth and
support, day in and day out. Smiling is an extremely
effective way to show love, interest and approval. It takes
no time and of course, is cost-free! If you habituate
yourself to smiling before and while you speak to children,
your messages on any topic will be much more quickly absorbed
and heeded. What a simple way to save ourselves energy and
give more to those around us!
Whispering is also a tool we should avail ourselves of
more often. Raising our voice to get someone's attention
or compliance can startle and frighten a small child. It also
makes us more prone to get angry. Whispering has just the
opposite effect. Because the child doesn't perceive a whisper
as a threat, he is more inclined to listen, so we are less
inclined to annoyance. Also, if we commit ourselves to this
technique, we are more likely to establish eye contact and
get in closer physical proximity to our child to deliver our
message, all of which can make our manner more gentle and
personal.
Instead of speaking in a monotone, practice making your
requests and statements to small children in a lilting and
musical intonation. It's much more interesting to listen
to and doesn't sound threatening.
Although it seems superfluous to mention, too often one hears
sarcasm used in comments to and about children in their
presence. This is a habit in which we simple cannot afford to
indulge. The Torah forbids using language in a hurtful way,
and children are especially vulnerable. For example, if a
child breaks something, instead of saying, "Thanks a lot!" or
"There you go again!", we could say, "Too bad. I really liked
that coffee cup. Could you bring me a broom so we can sweep
up the sharp pieces?" You still express your disappointment,
but use the incident to further problem- solving skills and
maintain the child's trust in you. After all, even we adults
break things occasionally.
Likewise: Do not fall into the trap of using the word
`always' when describing undersirable behavior, as in,
"You always forget to...!" First of all, it may not be
true, and second of all, it locks the child into that very
behavior which you were trying to eradicate, as a self-
fulfilling prophecy! After all, you said he always does,
didn't you? Instead, try a more mild and focused comment,
such as, "Please close the door when you come in."
As an essential follow-up technique, make it your business
to notice when a child is behaving well, or complying with a
specific request of yours, and express your satisfaction to
him! This way, you are giving him attention for behaving
well instead of poorly. The frequency of the good behavior
will increase if you keep commenting on it!
If there is a slip-up, try saying a little sadly, "You
forgot," instead of an alienating, "How many times have
I...?" or "When will you ever learn to...?" These kinds of
rhetorical questions are put-downs, and do not encourage
children to try harder!
Sometimes, we would like to see a child get involved in a
constructive activity or form of play. The average teacher or
parent could make at least a dozen worthwhile suggestions,
only to have them all rejected! The adult feels vanquished,
and the child is still at loose ends. Take heart; there's a
way around this predicament, which I call:
The Rule of Three Suggestions. According to this rule,
the adult makes ONLY three suggestions. For instance, "Would
you like to color?" If no affirmative answer is
forthcoming... "How about a puzzle?" And finally, "Maybe you
want to play with your trucks?" If the child has not shown
any interest so far, you back off pleasantly, saying
something like, "Okay. When you're ready, I'm sure you'll
find something good to do."
This frees you to move on to something else, expresses your
faith in the child's resources, and gives him the
responsibility for finding a way to use his time wisely. If
you go about your business, observing your charge out of the
corner of your eye, you will see that within about ten
seconds he will get to work on one of your ideas or one of
his own that is equally good.
Some children learn a lot through watching peers and
adults around them. We may not feel comfortable with this
at times, thinking that children ought to be doing
something you could put your finger on at all times --
reading, building, running, sleeping etc. Try to tune in to
the individual child. If he seems content and absorbed as an
observer, then watching is validated. We should be careful
not to undermine his learning style by implying that `just'
watching is a waste of time.
I once tried to encourage a watcher to come do a puzzle or
project. He looked at me in surprise and said, "But I'm
playing!" Try placing a high stool in the corner of a
play area for your watcher to sit on. Other children may then
want to take turns at this calming and educational
activity!
As hard as we may try to be extra good with our little ones,
we may overreact at times, or just feel tired and short on
patience. Remind yourself what a big privilege it is to have
a share in bringing up another generation of the Am
Hashem. If you feel you were unfair, you can easily set
things right with children.
Simply apologize, give everyone a kiss (if they like kisses)
and pretend the day is just beginning. You can set the tone
again in a happy way.
