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15 Adar II 5763 - March 19, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Notes on Talking with Small Children

by Elisheva Leah Nadler

Talking with children skillfully is an essential art for those of us who are either parents or teachers of toddlers and tots. We all know that our impact on those little ones is vast, so let's review some ways to make our efforts in this sphere more perfect and complete.

For example, adults are often busy and preoccupied, so we might neglect to establish eye contact when greeting a child [who is far below our eye level] or forget to call him by name. These two simple techniques can greatly improve one's relationship with anyone, but especially with impressionable small children. Challenge yourself to use eye contact and names in a friendly way as frequently as possible during the day. You will definitely see results! Remember the `friendly' part because too many children hear their names used most often as the preliminary to a stern reprimand, creating a negative association [to you or to their own name!]

The importance of smiling cannot be overemphasized. To children, the world is a big place with many unknown factors. In order to blossom, they need ever so much warmth and support, day in and day out. Smiling is an extremely effective way to show love, interest and approval. It takes no time and of course, is cost-free! If you habituate yourself to smiling before and while you speak to children, your messages on any topic will be much more quickly absorbed and heeded. What a simple way to save ourselves energy and give more to those around us!

Whispering is also a tool we should avail ourselves of more often. Raising our voice to get someone's attention or compliance can startle and frighten a small child. It also makes us more prone to get angry. Whispering has just the opposite effect. Because the child doesn't perceive a whisper as a threat, he is more inclined to listen, so we are less inclined to annoyance. Also, if we commit ourselves to this technique, we are more likely to establish eye contact and get in closer physical proximity to our child to deliver our message, all of which can make our manner more gentle and personal.

Instead of speaking in a monotone, practice making your requests and statements to small children in a lilting and musical intonation. It's much more interesting to listen to and doesn't sound threatening.

Although it seems superfluous to mention, too often one hears sarcasm used in comments to and about children in their presence. This is a habit in which we simple cannot afford to indulge. The Torah forbids using language in a hurtful way, and children are especially vulnerable. For example, if a child breaks something, instead of saying, "Thanks a lot!" or "There you go again!", we could say, "Too bad. I really liked that coffee cup. Could you bring me a broom so we can sweep up the sharp pieces?" You still express your disappointment, but use the incident to further problem- solving skills and maintain the child's trust in you. After all, even we adults break things occasionally.

Likewise: Do not fall into the trap of using the word `always' when describing undersirable behavior, as in, "You always forget to...!" First of all, it may not be true, and second of all, it locks the child into that very behavior which you were trying to eradicate, as a self- fulfilling prophecy! After all, you said he always does, didn't you? Instead, try a more mild and focused comment, such as, "Please close the door when you come in."

As an essential follow-up technique, make it your business to notice when a child is behaving well, or complying with a specific request of yours, and express your satisfaction to him! This way, you are giving him attention for behaving well instead of poorly. The frequency of the good behavior will increase if you keep commenting on it!

If there is a slip-up, try saying a little sadly, "You forgot," instead of an alienating, "How many times have I...?" or "When will you ever learn to...?" These kinds of rhetorical questions are put-downs, and do not encourage children to try harder!

Sometimes, we would like to see a child get involved in a constructive activity or form of play. The average teacher or parent could make at least a dozen worthwhile suggestions, only to have them all rejected! The adult feels vanquished, and the child is still at loose ends. Take heart; there's a way around this predicament, which I call:

The Rule of Three Suggestions. According to this rule, the adult makes ONLY three suggestions. For instance, "Would you like to color?" If no affirmative answer is forthcoming... "How about a puzzle?" And finally, "Maybe you want to play with your trucks?" If the child has not shown any interest so far, you back off pleasantly, saying something like, "Okay. When you're ready, I'm sure you'll find something good to do."

This frees you to move on to something else, expresses your faith in the child's resources, and gives him the responsibility for finding a way to use his time wisely. If you go about your business, observing your charge out of the corner of your eye, you will see that within about ten seconds he will get to work on one of your ideas or one of his own that is equally good.

Some children learn a lot through watching peers and adults around them. We may not feel comfortable with this at times, thinking that children ought to be doing something you could put your finger on at all times -- reading, building, running, sleeping etc. Try to tune in to the individual child. If he seems content and absorbed as an observer, then watching is validated. We should be careful not to undermine his learning style by implying that `just' watching is a waste of time.

I once tried to encourage a watcher to come do a puzzle or project. He looked at me in surprise and said, "But I'm playing!" Try placing a high stool in the corner of a play area for your watcher to sit on. Other children may then want to take turns at this calming and educational activity!

As hard as we may try to be extra good with our little ones, we may overreact at times, or just feel tired and short on patience. Remind yourself what a big privilege it is to have a share in bringing up another generation of the Am Hashem. If you feel you were unfair, you can easily set things right with children.

Simply apologize, give everyone a kiss (if they like kisses) and pretend the day is just beginning. You can set the tone again in a happy way.

 

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