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15 Adar II 5763 - March 19, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Build A Positive Self-Image
by Dr. Reuven Bruner, Ph.D.

Psychologists have established the relationship between how we think and how we feel and act. Who we think we are is an especially important aspect of the experiencing-thinking- feeling-behaving cycle. The thoughts you have about yourself - - your competence, your social acceptability and your sense of personal responsibility -- influence how you interpret the things that happen to you and how you feel about and, consequently, respond to those things. To see how this works, let us look at an example.

Shoshana came to our clinic discouraged and complaining that she could never lose weight. She had been overweight for several years and she insisted that she did not have the strength or willpower to stick with a diet. She would diet for a couple of days, lose a kilo, but then become discouraged and go on an eating binge. As we talked with her, it became apparent to us that she thought of herself as weak- willed, unattractive and unable to cope with her life. This, then, was the key to her feelings and behaviors. Her negative thoughts led to periods of extreme discouragement so that when dieting became uncomfortable, she would go on an eating binge - - just as she believed she would. It was a self- fulfilling prophesy. She predicted the binge and because she believed she would go on a binge, she did. Her belief led to the binge and the binge reinforced the belief. A vicious circle.

Shoshana's perceptions of herself did not square with reality, however. She had two children, was a good mother and enjoyed the friendship of several people who thought of her as friendly and competent. In reality Shoshana was not weak and unattractive but kind, hardworking and caring. The question then was: What was she doing to maintain such negative thoughts about herself?

One of the ways Shoshana maintained her negative beliefs about herself was by selective perception, that is, she noticed and internalized only part of her experiences. In short, she made mountains out of her failures and molehills out of her successes. She could diet for two or three days at a time and do very well, showing admirable self-control and willpower. But somehow she failed to internalize and relish her successes. She did not use her successes to build a positive self-image, but instead used her failures to feed a negative self-image. As soon as she overate on her diet, she would blame herself, calling herself weak-willed and careless. Her feelings of discouragement followed and she was off on that old vicious circle again.

Many people maintain negative self-images and negative feelings by setting unrelenting standards for their behavior. In the language of Transactional Analysis, they have a severe Parent. No matter how good, competent, kind, strong-willed or loving these people are, they are never good enough for themselves. Their own unrelenting standards set them up for failure because they can never quite live up to them. This means that no matter how good they are, such people only see failure in themselves and no realistic way of building a positive self-image.

Overweight people do this by setting absurdly unrealistic goals. "I'm going to lose 2 kg. a week for 10 weeks!" that is an unrealistic goal for most people -- the kind that sets dieters up for failure because as soon as they miss the mark for one week, they feel that they are failures. So the cycle of discouragement and eating returns again. One small disappointment wipes out days or weeks of success. As soon as Shoshana was taught to recognize her selective perception and her unrealistic personal standards, she could challenge them and start building a more positive and more realistic self- image.

(c) Dr. Reuven Bruner. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized duplication or translation is prohibited without prior consent.

Dr. Reuven Bruner, Ph.D. Health/Fitness/Nutrition & Total Lifestyle Consultant Fitness of Body & Mind (02) 652-7684; (052) 865821; fax: (02) 653-6903; Email: dr_bruner@hotmail.com

 

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