Psychologists have established the relationship between how
we think and how we feel and act. Who we think we are is an
especially important aspect of the experiencing-thinking-
feeling-behaving cycle. The thoughts you have about yourself -
- your competence, your social acceptability and your sense
of personal responsibility -- influence how you interpret the
things that happen to you and how you feel about and,
consequently, respond to those things. To see how this works,
let us look at an example.
Shoshana came to our clinic discouraged and complaining that
she could never lose weight. She had been overweight for
several years and she insisted that she did not have the
strength or willpower to stick with a diet. She would diet
for a couple of days, lose a kilo, but then become
discouraged and go on an eating binge. As we talked with her,
it became apparent to us that she thought of herself as weak-
willed, unattractive and unable to cope with her life. This,
then, was the key to her feelings and behaviors. Her negative
thoughts led to periods of extreme discouragement so that
when dieting became uncomfortable, she would go on an eating
binge - - just as she believed she would. It was a self-
fulfilling prophesy. She predicted the binge and because she
believed she would go on a binge, she did. Her belief led to
the binge and the binge reinforced the belief. A vicious
circle.
Shoshana's perceptions of herself did not square with
reality, however. She had two children, was a good mother and
enjoyed the friendship of several people who thought of her
as friendly and competent. In reality Shoshana was not weak
and unattractive but kind, hardworking and caring. The
question then was: What was she doing to maintain such
negative thoughts about herself?
One of the ways Shoshana maintained her negative beliefs
about herself was by selective perception, that is, she
noticed and internalized only part of her experiences. In
short, she made mountains out of her failures and molehills
out of her successes. She could diet for two or three days at
a time and do very well, showing admirable self-control and
willpower. But somehow she failed to internalize and relish
her successes. She did not use her successes to build a
positive self-image, but instead used her failures to feed a
negative self-image. As soon as she overate on her diet, she
would blame herself, calling herself weak-willed and
careless. Her feelings of discouragement followed and she was
off on that old vicious circle again.
Many people maintain negative self-images and negative
feelings by setting unrelenting standards for their behavior.
In the language of Transactional Analysis, they have a severe
Parent. No matter how good, competent, kind, strong-willed or
loving these people are, they are never good enough for
themselves. Their own unrelenting standards set them up for
failure because they can never quite live up to them. This
means that no matter how good they are, such people only see
failure in themselves and no realistic way of building a
positive self-image.
Overweight people do this by setting absurdly unrealistic
goals. "I'm going to lose 2 kg. a week for 10 weeks!" that is
an unrealistic goal for most people -- the kind that sets
dieters up for failure because as soon as they miss the mark
for one week, they feel that they are failures. So the cycle
of discouragement and eating returns again. One small
disappointment wipes out days or weeks of success. As soon as
Shoshana was taught to recognize her selective perception and
her unrealistic personal standards, she could challenge them
and start building a more positive and more realistic self-
image.
(c) Dr. Reuven Bruner. All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized
duplication or translation is prohibited without prior
consent.
Dr. Reuven Bruner, Ph.D. Health/Fitness/Nutrition & Total
Lifestyle Consultant Fitness of Body & Mind (02) 652-7684;
(052) 865821; fax: (02) 653-6903; Email:
dr_bruner@hotmail.com
