In many classes there is a leader, the most popular girl or
boy, the one who heads the `inner circle,' the one to whom
they all flock and want her for their friend. Often the
adoration is quite unreasonable, but if a parent suggests to
her daughter who arrived home in a terrible mood because
Dassy didn't even glance in her direction that day, that
there are other girls in the class, the daughter wails and
says, "But you don't understand..."
In Israel she is called malkat hakita, the Class
Queen, but neither in America nor in Europe is she labeled
like this, although the phenomenon definitely exists.
What is this charisma which surrounds these young leaders? Is
it inborn, inbred, or a result of external circumstances,
like, for instance, an affluent home or an important
influential public parent figure?
There are two kinds of class leaders: one type deserves her
title, and lives up to it. Notwithstanding that she is full
of confidence, she does not throw her weight about. She
befriends everyone, although she may allow herself the luxury
of a best friend, besides which she is an excellent student,
blessed with a sharp mind. Moreover, she is always ready to
help a weaker student. No wonder her classmates adore
her...
The leaders who cause trouble are either physically bigger
and stronger than their peers, or have a lot of money with
which to `buy' friends, or perhaps just attract others by
their dominant personality. Children vie with each other to
be her friend and will copy her hair style and the way she
dresses, and as is usually the case with this type of class
queen, both hairstyle and clothes are far from suitable. This
girl will have her close coterie of girls who fawn on her and
flatter her, but she will also have a scapegoat or two whom
she will bully, since part of this person' nature is that she
must have others subservient to her who recognize her
power.
The more a parent tries to separate her daughter from this
girl, the more the daughter will be drawn to her. Until one
day this daughter, one of the favored inner circle, herself,
becomes the victim. The unfortunate girl might have
contradicted her idol at some point, or not agreed with a
particular suggestion. The erstwhile friend will make quite
sure that she suffers for it. Girls do not usually beat each
other up, but there are worse ways to make a person
miserable: giving a nasty nickname, making snide remarks,
passing notes to each other, making sure to snigger, keep
glancing at the unfortunate victim or using body language to
somehow make her feel targeted and uncomfortable.
There are mothers who are proud of the fact that their
daughter is leader of the class. Not only leader
academically, but socially. If the girl is of the first type,
they have every reason to be proud of her. However, the term
`class queen' usually has negative undertones. If I were told
that my daughter was one, I would not be too happy about
it.
A young girl mentioned recently that a certain `queen of the
class' was leaving to go to another school. She was delighted
at the thought, and had visions of taking her place in the
social hierarchy. This particularly nice girl, although a
good student, did not have the makings of a leader. Still,
dreams are pleasant, even if they are not realized.
How is a parent to deal with her daughter who is so
anxious to be the leader's friend and be a part of the inner
clique, yet gets snubbed day after day? Or even worse, gets
bullied verbally?
Firstly, parents might empathize. The girl must be sure her
mother and/or father understands and sympathizes. Fathers are
often a great help in this situation, by asking what she
admires in her heroine, and somehow making the girl see how
ridiculous the situation is. If the girl can be induced to
tell him that there are other girls in the class who are
desperate for the Queen's attention, perhaps he could ask her
if there was one amongst them whom she liked or admired, and
for what reason. Encourage the girl to talk about her woes
(most won't need much encouragement!) and in this way, she
may in time come to the conclusion herself that there are
other fish in the sea.
What about the girl who is so besotted by the leader, and is
indeed part of the innr circle of friends, that she is
copying all of her negative qualities? Once again, a father
can be a great help in the situation. It is difficult to
forbid a child to have contact with another, although with
younger children it sometimes works. But a parent can state
categorically that s/he does not allow this kind of hairdo,
or those clothes which the girl bought without supervision,
in his house. She will probably obey, if the parents have had
a good relationship up till now, but what will she do outside
the house? Hopefully, time and her own common sense will
dull the hero worship.
Teachers know about such girls but are often quite powerless
to do much about it, aside from changing seats in the
classroom to mitigate their influence. These girls are
powerful and popular, and can make the teacher's life a
misery. The principal may have to be involved and also other
teachers who have contact with the class. Together they might
think of ways of dealing with this undesirable phenomenon.
In the end, our constant repeated prayers, coupled with
watchful awareness, are the best safeguard for our precious
children.
