Part II
Positive behavior in children rarely occurs in its complete
and perfect form. A wise parent may often need to search out
positive behavior and cultivate it when it occurs. At times,
a parent may feel as if s/he is searching for a needle in a
haystack. It is important to know that in every child there
is always something positive to focus on no matter how
negative and destructive his present behavior.
Sometimes the positive factor is the child's intention. He
may have meant to help or do a positive act but did not meet
parental expectations. For instance, a child may try to help
by doing the dishes. When the dishes come out dirtier than
before, the parent may choose to criticize or instead, she
may choose to focus on the child's willingness and positive
intent. The child was careful in some aspect of his job,
tried hard and really wanted to be helpful. If one dish came
out clean, the parent may hold it up and say, "Look how
nicely this one came out."
Parents always ask, "How will my child learn if I don't tell
him what he did wrong?" The answer is clear. How do we learn
best? Children as well as adults learn best when someone
encourages and believes in them.
Research clearly indicates that positive reinforcement, not
criticism, increases positive behavior. This can be seen in
many areas of life. Businesses that treat their workers with
encouragement and respect are much more productive than those
which criticize and fail to encourage positive contributions.
Adults need acknowledgement and encouragement and they fear
criticism as much as children do. The same is true in
marriage. The following story, purported to be true,
illustrates this point.
A newly-married bride decided to bake a cake for her husband.
The cake was simply inedible. It was completely burnt, hard
as a rock, and full of salt. To most people, there were no
redeeming qualities to this cake. Her husband, however, was a
tremendous baal middos and evidently well-prepared for
marriage. He told his new bride how much he appreciated the
cake and how wonderful it was of her to have made it
especially for him. He told her it was great, exactly the way
he liked it except that he preferred a little less salt for
the next time. She felt encouraged and made another cake,
this time with less salt. The husband then told her he loved
the cake but next time, could she bake it for less time?
Things continued on this way until the wife learned to bake a
wonderful cake and she went on to become an incredible baker.
This story may seem exaggerated but the power of
encouragement can be seen clearly and that power is not
exaggerated.
The power of a teacher's positive words on her students can
be seen in the following true story, told to me by the
child's parent. A young girl from a large family (let's call
her Aliza) was experiencing learning difficulties. Try as
they might, the parents could not get the child to agree to
get help. For years, Aliza struggled in school, sometimes
failing, After about four years of this pattern, the girl
suddenly decided to get help. She explained to her mother her
reasons: A teacher had told her that she was bright and that
it was a waste of her talents not to get help and improve her
skills. Aliza finally decided to get help because she knew
that the teacher really believed in her and believed in her
intelligence. As a result, she was finally able to seek help
from a place of strength, not weakness. This story, as well
as the first one, illustrate the power of encouragement and
positive reinforcement over criticism. The positive approach
is much more effective than criticism and reproof.
Homemade stories can be used to encourage children in any
aspect of their lives in which they have shown improvement.
The idea is to encourage the improvement through the positive
attention that the child will get from the book. The book can
be read again and again by the child's parents, teacher or
anyone of importance in the child's life. The following is a
short list of suggestions for story topics: A child stops
fighting with siblings, stops fighting and begins to get
along better with peers, begins to get ready for school on
time, is able to organize materials for school properly,
remembers to do homework, begins to improve in grades, stops
wetting the bed, overcomes a particular fear, learns to read,
learns to ride a bike, learns to jump rope or learns any new
skill.
Stories can be written to encourage children who are
experiencing difficulty learning something new and need
encouragement to continue or for a child who is experiencing
behavior problems. A child who needs a boost in self esteem
can also benefit greatly from a homemade book about his
success. Stories can be written over time, one part at a
time, as a child improves. Each segment of the story can
serve to foster further growth and improvement. A child
should be asked what he or she did to make the improvement
happen. This gives a person a very strong sense of
empowerment and desire to continue to improve.
Below is an example of a story written for a nine-year- old
child, let's call her Leah, experiencing difficulties with
her peers and brought to me for therapy. She had a history of
hitting and provoking classmates. When the teacher reported
improvement in her peer relations, I felt it was an excellent
time to write a book, although I knew that the problems were
not yet solved. I asked Leah what she did that made her a
better friend. She explained that she played the games the
other girls liked to play and she also didn't argue when it
was time to be `out.' I needed to ask questions to help Leah
realize that she had also learned to play by the rules, to
speak nicely to the other girls instead of shouting, and to
be willing to compromise. She also pointed out that she
shared her things with others and gave them gifts when she
had something to give. The girls are invited to her house and
Leah is invited to theirs and when they are at her house, she
offers them food and drink and compromises on activites to
play.
We began to write these things in the book and bound it
nicely, with pictures drawn by Leah. The book continues to
serve as a source of encouragement and we continue to add on
to it as new skills are learned.
Homemade books are a fun way to give children positive
attention and encouragement. They are concrete reminders or
all the things a child `did right.' With a little imagination
and a lot of love, children can grow immeasurably through the
encouragement they receive from homemade stories about their
successes.
Masha Wolf is available for play therapy and guidance.
Tel. 02-656-2172
