"The Bubbies of today," you can often hear young mothers
sigh, "are not what they used to be." Well, how do they
know?
Take any children's story and envision a modern-day Bubby
doing what her counterpart does in the story. Sitting at
every free moment and knitting something soft and pink/blue,
fondly doling out sucking candies to her grandchildren,
taking them to the playground, feeding them with a spoon,
urging a fruit on them -- peeling it, sectioning it and
mashing a banana. Telling them a bedtime story, and when she
goes home after a full day of exhausting Bubbying, wiping
away a stray tear of joy as she reminisces about some clever
repartee of this one or that or a spontaneous hug she
received as reward for all her efforts. And let us not forget
the Shabbos fish that she generously makes for all her
married children.
Is there a hint of mockery in my words, G-d forbid? Well
then, it must be coming from the recesses of my own Bubby-
subconscious as a guilt feeling. Where am I and my
contemporaries, grandmothers to the cutest grandchildren --
and the ideal picture of the Bubby of yore?
I never knew my own grandparents. I did not enjoy that
privilege, but I heard a great deal about them in the house,
especially about `the uncle,' Maran Hagaon R' Moshe Mordechai
Epstein zt'l and the great-aunt, Chaya Menucha
z'l. Why them in particular? Because they were
privileged to live with the family here in Eretz Yisroel.
They, actually, brought the rest over. Exceptional people,
exalted figures. None of my family ever saw my grandfather
and grandmother from my father's side, not even my mother. My
father last saw them as a young boy, when he went off to
yeshiva at the age of nine. They remained there.
As a child, I used to have a dream. I would see people coming
up our street, entering the house where we lived. Moshiach
had arrived, so where would Zeidy and Bubby go if not to our
home? Don't laugh, but to this day I still nurse that dream.
I am still waiting...
In comparison, I ponder over the label that has been attached
to me: Bubbie, no less. I am shocked. No matter how old I am
and how many grandchildren I have who by virtue of their
existence have conferred that prestigious title upon me...
Bubby? Me?
"Well, why not?" I seem to hear my daughter interrupting my
thoughts. "Why in the world not you? You don't pay us visits
in the evening, play with the children, help me feed and
bathe them, and when they are tucked snugly under the covers,
smelling sweetly of shampoo, tell them a bedtime story?"
There is longing in her voice.
Well, really, why not? Because that's the way it is today
with Bubbies. Many of us don't have the free time to visit a
daughter or daughter-in-law. The trip alone, these days, can
take hours. Many modern day Bubbies work outside the home.
Who will do their work in their stead? So meanwhile, they
lose out.
The fact that a pair of trousers that I once began knitting,
only half finished, are sitting on a pair of needles
somewhere up there in my closet, waiting for a patient old-
fashioned Bubby to complete -- meila, forget it, but
so what? The child will wear something else. As for the rest -
- well, being a Bubby can often mean being outside the home,
working, and returning to a not-so-spic-and-span
establishment and beginning the second, but main, job of the
day. And meanwhile, the grandchildren are growing up, and
everyone is losing out in many ways.
Hey, Bubby: not you in the rocking chair, but you at the
computer, perhaps -- when was the last time you saw Ruchele?
Think back and try to remember. On Succos? Or were you
fortunate enough to see her on Chanuka, too? Perhaps,
luckily, in between. She's grown a lot since then, and
changed, too. And the grandchildren that live in Kfar
Chasidim or in Netivot? Perhaps I'll hop down there this
week, you promise yourself, each time anew. Promises that
are rarely remembered, if not kept.
"To be a Bubby like your children would like," one grandma
confided, "is problematic. Why? Because a Bubby is expected
to smile all the time, to give, to buy, to connect, to shower
her blessings. But to make an occasional comment or
suggestion -- to parent or child? G-d forbid! This `taboo'
creates somewhat of a distance between the Bubby and her
grandchildren. Our nowaday connection is too festive and
formal, to my taste. To smile all the time? That's fake. It's
from the stories; it's hypocritical. Nice, heartwarming to
hear, but it's not genuine and it can't last. What to do,
that's the way it is."
What about the grandchildren? Surprised, no? A grandmother
does not go without grandchildren. So what do I mean? Very
simple. It isn't only up to the older generation to initiate
the connection, to foster and strengthen it. It is up to the
intermediate generation, as well. It works the other way
round too.
Definitely. A friend of mine has a son who comes regularly to
visit, every motzoei Shabbos with one or two
grandchildren in tow, taking turns. This way, Zeidy gets to
see them all at regular intervals, aside from at other family
occasions, of course. My friend is convinced that this custom
of his is not very easy to maintain, but he makes a studied
effort to do so, and every motzoei Shabbos, week in
and week out, Zeidy is paid a visit by son and
grandchild/ren.
To place the obligation of keeping up the connection upon the
children? That's not quite fair, either. So what am I trying
to say?
Bubby -- wherever you are -- wake up now. While you are still
able to get up and go: get on that bus and get moving. Don't
you want your grandchildren to have a dream that can be
realized? To see their Bubby making her way up their street,
towards their home?
[Ed. Many of the readers are at the Bubby stage and fortunate
enough to have many grandchildren scattered around the
country. How do we relate to them? How do we celebrate their
birthdays? How can we host grandchildren for Shabbos and make
it a memorable and pleasurable event all around? How is our
role as modern Bubbies different from that of our
grandmothers?
We would appreciate your insights on Bubbyhood in the modern
day context and how to make the best of this blessing while
we still can.
Short ideas on FAMILY TOGETHERNESS -- BRIDGING THE GENERATION
GAP can be sent directly, even handwritten, to Weinbach,
Panim Meirot 1, Jerusalem, or FAXed to 02- 538-7998. Longer
articles welcomed even more!]
