|
|
Home
and Family
True Comfort
by R. Gil
During the longest week of my life, when I was sitting
shiva for my father, I made a mental note of how a
mourner feels, and of some of the do's and don'ts for
visitors whose sole intent is to comfort, in order to help
other mourners in the future. No single point is directed at
any particular individual, and naturally, not all mourners
are the same. Nor are the circumstances the same, nor even
the comforters. One cannot over-generalize.
Firstly, I must stress the wonderful nature of Klal Yisroel.
Acquaintances whom I hadn't seen for at least a decade
bothered to come from far and wide, in truly inclement
weather. They reawakened memories from my youth and evoked
feelings of nostaliga. Neighbors showered kindness on us,
doing the shopping and organizing meals, which were often
more lavish than is usual for normal weekdays.
Already at the funeral, the mourner expects to see his
nearest and dearest in the house. Nevertheless, some
choose not to come, not because they are not feeling with the
bereaved, but out of extra sensitivity that they might be in
the way. They feel that they might not say the correct
things, and that their absence is the best support they can
render at this time. One woman was deeply hurt that her
daughter-in-law had not come in before the funeral till she
realized that the girl was so thoroughly upset herself that
she was unable to find the right words to say.
Some mourners wish to talk and talk and reminisce endlessly,
while others are so physically and emotional drained that
they prefer to leave the talking to those who come to
comfort. The laws pertaining to the shiva are clearly
delineated, although most people are not too familiar with
them. However, on the whole, people do know that they should
not initiate the conversation, but wait for the bereaved to
speak first. That initial silence gives the comforter an
opportunity to assess whether the mourners wish to speak or
whether they prefer to sit in silence.
When going to a shiva house, it is wise to check
whether the times are suitable. Keep to the conventional
times, not too early and not too late! There are
people who feel close to the family and feel they would like
to come when there is nobody else there. During this
exhausting week, it is essential to ascertain whether you are
really welcome. Certainly not for a prolonged period of time.
Moreover, if there is a queue of people waiting outside the
door of a small room to express their condolences, curtail
the length of your visit. Mostly, it is wise to sit for a few
minutes and then leave.
The day is long and the same questions are repeated over and
over again. How long had he been ill? When and how exactly
did it happen? Who was there at the end? Etc. Some mourners
do not mind repeating themselves all day, but if the question
gets brushed aside, don't reiterate and wait for an answer.
The condolence visit is not meant to satisfy your curiosity;
it is meant to bring comfort to the mourners. Repeating
other people's similar sorrows, or even our own, is not
likely at this time to bring comfort to anyone. It only
increases the mood of melancholy and depression. It is as if
they are trying to point out that there are worse troubles
and that the bereaved is not the only one who has lost a
loved one. It is an art to know what to say and how to say
it. If in doubt, one does not have to speak at all.
Some people might feel that it was not worth the effort of
going at all. The mourner did not speak to them at all, in
fact, hardly noticed them. Remember that it is the mourner's
right not to converse. There may be family, friends,
neighbors, people from work and old acquaintances of the
deceased all together in one room. The mourner is unused to
crowds and finds the whole thing utterly exhausting. It is
incumbent on us to visit, and we are not fulfilling the
mitzva any better by the length of time we stay, or
how much we speak.
TO SUMMARIZE: When paying a shiva call, take into
account the time of day, what to talk about, how crowded the
room is if you want to extend the visit, and the mood of the
bereaved. It is also wise to think of your apparel. Coming
straight from a wedding with earrings and a beautiful
necklace over a gorgeous outfit into a house of mourning can
make the mourners feel uncomfortable. This is likely because
people sitting shiva are oversensitive and
overstrained, and everything becomes an issue.
May we be preserved from sitting in mourning, and may the
mourners of Zion be comforted with the rebuilding of the Beis
Hamikdosh!
|
