My friend Gila, who edits children's books, complains that
the boss makes her feel incompetent and stupid. "I worked on
a manuscript for quite a while and when I handed it in, he
remarked sacrastically that I was so disorganized that
everything took twice as long as it should have." She
continued, "I hustled the next piece of work through as
quickly as possible, and then he left me a note, `You seem to
have done this work in minutes. You should put a little more
thought into your work.'"
Although Gila is a self confident, popular woman, the
constant fault-finding and censure with which her boss
belittles her leaves her drained. Whether the criticism is
justified or not, she will have to learn to live with it,
especially when money is tight. There is no point in
answering back; she needs the job.
Someone once said, "When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he says he's only human. When I
do something without being told, I am overstepping my
authority. When someone else does it, she is using her
initiative. When I don't manage to finish my work, I am lazy.
When she doesn't manage, she was too busy. I can't win." This
is the wrong attitude.
When a mother-in-law, neighbor, or even a sister needles you
constantly about your cooking, taste in clothes or the way
you bring up the children etc., if you answer them in kind,
you will only sow discord and animosity. Tears or an angry
reply will not help you in the least. You will only be told
not to be so sensitive, or even worse, not to be so
aggressive.
Occasionally, you might receive a nasty or vicious comment
from someone who is known to be critical. In this particular
case, he had to vent his spleen on someone, and you just
happened to cross his path. Some of the criticism may be
justified. There is probably a grain of truth in the censure,
but the words are so abusive that you don't even hear the
truth. Altogether, most forms of criticism are inclined to be
felt as a put down, and hurt our self esteem.
There are various tactics which one can employ against a
shower of abuse. Firstly, keep calm!
Dina's work mate tells her something in a sharp, determined
voice which irritates her terribly. Why should Dina take this
so much to heart? Because as the woman is speaking, Dina is
mentally preparing for the coming onslaught. Her heart begins
to pound, adrenaline flows through her veins and her body
prepares to fight or to flee. However, one cannot run away
when a boss is heaping opprobium on your head, nor can one
physically attack a relative who is having fun at your
expense at a family party. Instead, as soon as you feel your
blood begin to boil, and stress is building up inside you,
invoke all the self confidence you have, breathe deeply and
count to ten. Yes, it really does work! By the time you have
calmed down, the castigation will almost invariably have
paled into insignificance.
A second stratagem is to remember that some people are
difficult to please. Every small child learns very quickly
that when he pleases his parents, he is surrounded by even
more love and approbation. At school he tries to please and
is rewarded with high marks, admiration and esteem from
peers. In short, the wish to please is inculcated at a very
early age. However, things are more complicated for adults.
There are some people who will carp and cavil at whatever a
person does.
Every askan or servant of the community will come up
against this problem. They might earn more insults in one day
than the average person gets in a whole year. Frequently,
even their private lives are under constant public scrutiny.
Admittedly, they may get their share of compliments and
appreciation, although some may be very backhanded. For
example, "Rabbi, do you happen to have any tapes of your
drosha? You see I suffer from insomnia but as soon as
you begin to speak, I drop off immediately."
A third way of dealing with insults is to play the clown. Do
not try to counter-attack. You do not have to listen in
silence while Loud Mouth heaps insults upon you. Just do not
play into his hands. For example: Mother-in-law, who loves
her perfect son dearly, advises her young daughter-in-law on
how to dress more appropriately. If she replies that the
mother-in-law herself spends the day in a ragged, stained
housecoat, she is only heaping coals on the fire. If, on the
other hand, she says lightly, "Thank you so much. I
appreciate your concern and your taste," and then talks about
something else, she has been polite and yet pointed out that
she does not want to get into an argument.
Another example might be if a girl's grandmother phones the
office at the busiest, most inconvenient time possible. If
the girl blurts out that she is far too busy to come, the
reply will no doubt be acrimonious. "What? Too busy to talk
to your old grandmother? Is that how you pay me back for..."
But if the girls says, "You are so right, Bubbie. I have
neglected you shamefully, I will pop in as soon as I can get
through these mountains of work heaped on my desk," the reply
will be sympathetic with a poor overworked Darling.
Then there is the idea of `asking for more'. Show a genuine
interest in the other person's opinion, even if you are
rather resenting it. Keep eye contact, thus showing that you
are not cowed by the criticism, but would really like to
understand the other one's opinion. It keeps the conversation
serene and on an adult level. When the tirade ceases for a
moment, just say calmly, "Please tell me more. I'm
listening." In fact, by turning it into a conversation, you
might really learn something important to you, although it
was imparted in a rather unpleasant manner.
Finally, when up against the chronic fault finder, especially
a member of the family, you have to realize that this person
probably has an inferiority complex. State your own opinion,
but without animosity. Do not get caught into the trap of
counter-attack, but neither do you have to put up with
constant verbal abuse. If it is at work, and is really
getting under your skin, the boss, who has until now
belittled any suggestions on your part, might begin to
respect you for voicing your opinion firmly. On the other
hand, if the situation is truly unbearable, you are better
off getting another job. There are some people who enjoy
using verbal cruelty.
On the other hand, there are some wonderful, sensitive people
(especially parents) who have a natural flair for imparting
constructive criticism, although anyone can learn the
ability. The boss congratulated her young employee for a
wonderful report on a difficult subject, telling her what a
great start she had made in the new job. She asked her to
step into the office just to change one or two minor details.
Only much later did the young girl realize that she had been
tactfully asked to change almost the whole report. By this
time, she liked her boss and felt confident in herself.
Learn to couch the criticism within genuine compliments.
