Opinion & Comment
The Chofetz Chaim's Cheshbon Hanefesh

The Yomim Noraim, we know, are days for taking stock and soul searching.

Each and every one of the Chofetz Chaim's days were taken by him into account, but all the more so, the days of Mercy and Penitence. During this period, he would pray for his soul and the soul of his people. He sought to exonerate and acquit himself and his people in the upcoming Judgment. He prayed for this fervently in the remote botei knesses where he would go and seclude himself, in towns and villages; he preached it in his talks in the Radin Yeshiva. Every opportunity of hearts open and tenderized was utilized for the holy purpose of exhorting his fellow man.

A cheshbon nefesh of a leader of his generation. And if thus by one so worthy, a burning fire of teshuva by such a cedar of greatness, what are we to say and do, we insignificant moss inching up from stone fences by the wayside?

E - L - U - L !!!

*

"My flesh crawls with fear."

Whoever saw the Chofetz Chaim during the month of Elul, was able to tangibly sense the dread of judgment upon his face. It totally bespoke fear and fright. His talks in the yeshiva reflected the Days of Awe which emanated from the inner recesses of this tzaddik from Radin.

Here he stood before his students, delineating what he anticipated from the Day of Judgment. He stood exhorting them and telling them, "The newspaper writes about a yeshiva student who was seized by the Russians. Just like that, in broad daylight, without any justification -- no trial, no defense -- and taken off for execution. They stood him up against a wall and the firing squad cocked its rifles towards him and prepared to fire. And then, miraculously, the soldiers were unable to release the triggers. The guns would not detonate. They examined their firearms, cleaned them and tried to repair the mechanism. They tried again and again for fifteen minutes to fix the guns but nothing helped. The guns refused to fire.

"Finally, standing there helpless, they had to admit that some Power Beyond had intervened and prevented them from carrying out their orders. And so, they brought the youth before the police commander and after a brief interrogation, he released him. However, from sheer fright, the youth's hair had turned completely white.

"This is what the fright of a mere fifteen minute ordeal was able to do!" the Chofetz Chaim declared movingly. Then he burst out, "Rabbosai, this is what is expected of us. If this is the fear of death, why don't our own hairs turn white with fear from the sentence hovering over us at this time? Are we not cognizant that the King of Judgment is standing us on trial for life or death?"

This exhortation pierced the air of the yeshiva. E - l - u - l was a cloak that descended upon Radin and entwined it, bearing it aloft to spiritual heights. The Chofetz Chaim was the figure who orchestrated the Days of Awe. Not through deeds and not only through his fiery talks, but by his very figure. The figure of a Kohen Godol, bowed, subdued, standing in fear before the One Who sits on High to hear the praises of Israel. Cowering, trembling, full of awe.

The Chofetz Chaim's soul-searching was exacting and precise, taking every day into its accounting. He knew exactly what remained for him to amend at the end of each day, and would record for himself every infraction that appeared to him as wanting, and waiting for repentance. During the nights of Elul, he would seclude himself in remote synagogues and pour out his heartfelt prayer before the Creator and confess his sins . . .

Filled with contrition and pain were his confessions. His remorse over the sin of anger is simply indescribable. How much did he demand of himself to repair this weakness! Several times he was overheard exacting from himself a tikkun for anger, in his prayers, begging Hashem to help him overcome this evil trait.

He demanded it from himself during the vidui, berating himself for the wasting of ten precious minutes, lost in the course of an entire year. Ten minutes not having been utilized properly -- in his sight. Had he not received life for the purpose of filling it with good deeds? These ten minutes had gone to waste, been lost forevermore. And this pained him no end. He confessed his sin weepingly, and poured out his sobbing heart with a plea that Hashem forgive him this grievous sin.

They tell how once, when the Chofetz Chaim was traveling with the Radin wagoner, the latter began pouring out his heart to his worthy passenger. "Do you know, Rebbe, that the village made a collection to help me buy this horse? This was after the previous horse suddenly collapsed on me and died." He sighed deeply.

The Chofetz Chaim couldn't help asking, "Why so sad, Reb Avrohom? You have another horse, instead!"

"True, but it disturbs me. Why did a simple impoverished villager like myself have to go through this ordeal to begin with?"

The Chofetz Chaim comforted him and said that Hashem was doubtlessly correct in His judgment and sentence. "Hashem is righteous in all His ways."

He went on to explain that even wagoners have their trials and their faults. Did it not ever happen that he made up a price at the beginning of the trip, only to demand a higher fee at the end? Was he never guilty of allowing his horses to feed on hay that did not belong to him and letting them graze in strange fields along the way? "It is possible," concluded the Chofetz Chaim, "that Heaven is punishing you for such sins."

The wagoner was not yet mollified, but persisted, "If so, Rebbe, you are not a baal agoloh like my humble self, with my weaknesses and sins. So tell me? Why was your fur coat stolen last winter at the Vilna train station?"

The Chofetz Chaim heaved a sigh and said, "Do you really think, Reb Avrohom, that I am such a tzaddik? It's not true. I have my own failings and sins. I am involved in business, too. I sell my works. Sometimes, one of my books has a torn page, or a page that is illegible, or is missing a page. I try to be careful and look over each one before I sell it, but a man is only human, after all, and I can't be perfect. My customers are embarrassed to let me know if there is a defect and demand a refund, but they are peeved, nonetheless. That is why I was punished . . . "

This is how the Chofetz Chaim saw himself. He always felt there was room for improvement. Every incident that happened to him was interpreted as a direct result of something he had done, as retribution for some failing.

Another incident teaches us about the Chofetz Chaim's fear of wasting every precious minute.

Once, when the Ponevezher Rov was studying together with R' Elchonon Wasserman, they needed to look something up in a work that the Chofetz Chaim possessed in his library, since this work was mentioned in Shaar Zion. They went to his house and asked for it. The Chofetz Chaim stood by the bookcase, looked at it, sighed, and said, "No. I don't have that work. Whenever I needed it myself, I used to borrow it from someone else."

His disciples thought that he was sighing over the fact that he did not possess that particular work. R' Elchonon asked the Chofetz Chaim if that was so. He replied, "I own a great many works, and each of them cost me a great deal of money. How did I obtain the money to purchase them? I had to expend time to earn that money, and just now I couldn't help thinking: A pity for all the time I have had to invest in order to buy all these seforim."

The Ponevezher Rov noted that the Chofetz Chaim's library was not even that extensive. Nevertheless, he sighed over the time expended in earning the money to purchase every sefer.

*

Erev Yom Kippur. The students of Yeshivas Radin gathered and came to the house of the Kohen Godol. They sought to absorb some more `whitener' to cleanse themselves from their sins before the Day of Atonement. The Chofetz Chaim's house bustled with people. Rabbenu sat, engrossed in his thoughts. He studied the youths, one by one, and then he noticed several who came to the yeshiva all the way from America. His heart welled up and he was moved to exclaim,

"The Tana R' Nehorai, who lived in the Holy Land, said: `Exile yourself to a place of Torah.' Our fellow Jews are scattered throughout the world. America is also a land of the diaspora."

He paused thoughtfully for a moment and then directed his gaze at them. He raised his voice feelingly and said, "Just look and see, Ribono shel Olom! Here is a boy who picks himself up and leaves his home, his parents, his relatives in America, a land of plenty and comfort and luxuries, a land which also has yeshivos! And yet he comes here, to an isolated, remote little town. And why? To live a life of deprivation! Why, this is golus within a golus! Why? Wherefore? For Your sake, Hashem. For the sake of Your Torah! For this alone, You must show mercy upon Your people and gather them up from all of their scattered exiles."

He sighed again and added, "Revive me, Hashem, revive me! The time has already arrived!" And he burst into tears which echoed and reverberated and sent shock waves to the hearts of all those present who, likewise, burst into tears, tears that literally overflowed and coursed down their cheeks.

One Yom Kippur, Rabbenu addressed the yeshiva rousingly, exhorting them against the sin of theft. This is what he said: "We are standing now before the finalization of the judgment. Surely, each of us has repented his particular sins against Hashem, through remorse over the past and a resolution for the future. But we know that Yom Kippur does not atone for sins between man and his fellow man if one does not approach his friend and appease him. It is possible that someone borrowed money and forgot to return it. The rule is that such a sin is not forgiven until the debt has been cancelled.

"What shall we do, now?" he asked aloud. "How can we declare in the Neila prayer ` . . . that we cease the theft of our hands'? " He continued in the tone of a father painfully chastising his son. "An idea just struck me. Each of us shall now designate a day in the very near future when he will examine all of his personal records and exercise his memory to ascertain that he has no outstanding debts. If he finds himself owing something, he should immediately pay it back. Such a resolution at this very moment must be made with full heart. Consider it in your minds as already done and taken care of. And in this merit shall we be acquitted in our judgment." He then descended from the bimah and signaled for Neila to begin.

This was the nature of the Chofetz Chaim's reproaches and reproofs. He constantly sought to align, rectify and improve each of his fellow Jews. For many years he stood watch by the gates, exhorting, fearlessly, disregarding opposition, showing no quarter. Those who lent an ear and internalized his messages, were privileged to improve themselves to a great degree.

Once, when giving a talk in the yeshiva, he noticed the absence of several of the students who had decided to continue their study at the time. He sent someone to summon them, adding, "Do they think that they will always have a Chofetz Chaim to listen to?"

On the 24th of Elul, 5693 (1933), exactly seventy years ago, the Jewish people lost its Rosh Kol Bnei Hagoloh, Maran the Chofetz Chaim ztvk'l.

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