Opinion
& Comment
The Chofetz Chaim's Cheshbon Hanefesh
by Yated Ne'eman Staff
The Yomim Noraim, we know, are days for taking stock and soul
searching.
Each and every one of the Chofetz Chaim's days were taken by
him into account, but all the more so, the days of Mercy and
Penitence. During this period, he would pray for his soul and
the soul of his people. He sought to exonerate and acquit
himself and his people in the upcoming Judgment. He prayed
for this fervently in the remote botei knesses where
he would go and seclude himself, in towns and villages; he
preached it in his talks in the Radin Yeshiva. Every
opportunity of hearts open and tenderized was utilized for
the holy purpose of exhorting his fellow man.
A cheshbon nefesh of a leader of his generation. And
if thus by one so worthy, a burning fire of teshuva by
such a cedar of greatness, what are we to say and do, we
insignificant moss inching up from stone fences by the
wayside?
E - L - U - L !!!
*
"My flesh crawls with fear."
Whoever saw the Chofetz Chaim during the month of Elul, was
able to tangibly sense the dread of judgment upon his face.
It totally bespoke fear and fright. His talks in the yeshiva
reflected the Days of Awe which emanated from the inner
recesses of this tzaddik from Radin.
Here he stood before his students, delineating what he
anticipated from the Day of Judgment. He stood exhorting them
and telling them, "The newspaper writes about a yeshiva
student who was seized by the Russians. Just like that, in
broad daylight, without any justification -- no trial, no
defense -- and taken off for execution. They stood him up
against a wall and the firing squad cocked its rifles towards
him and prepared to fire. And then, miraculously, the
soldiers were unable to release the triggers. The guns would
not detonate. They examined their firearms, cleaned them and
tried to repair the mechanism. They tried again and again for
fifteen minutes to fix the guns but nothing helped. The guns
refused to fire.
"Finally, standing there helpless, they had to admit that
some Power Beyond had intervened and prevented them from
carrying out their orders. And so, they brought the youth
before the police commander and after a brief interrogation,
he released him. However, from sheer fright, the youth's hair
had turned completely white.
"This is what the fright of a mere fifteen minute ordeal was
able to do!" the Chofetz Chaim declared movingly. Then he
burst out, "Rabbosai, this is what is expected of us.
If this is the fear of death, why don't our own hairs turn
white with fear from the sentence hovering over us at this
time? Are we not cognizant that the King of Judgment is
standing us on trial for life or death?"
This exhortation pierced the air of the yeshiva. E - l - u -
l was a cloak that descended upon Radin and entwined it,
bearing it aloft to spiritual heights. The Chofetz Chaim was
the figure who orchestrated the Days of Awe. Not through
deeds and not only through his fiery talks, but by his very
figure. The figure of a Kohen Godol, bowed, subdued,
standing in fear before the One Who sits on High to hear the
praises of Israel. Cowering, trembling, full of awe.
The Chofetz Chaim's soul-searching was exacting and precise,
taking every day into its accounting. He knew exactly what
remained for him to amend at the end of each day, and would
record for himself every infraction that appeared to him as
wanting, and waiting for repentance. During the nights of
Elul, he would seclude himself in remote synagogues and pour
out his heartfelt prayer before the Creator and confess his
sins . . .
Filled with contrition and pain were his confessions. His
remorse over the sin of anger is simply indescribable. How
much did he demand of himself to repair this weakness!
Several times he was overheard exacting from himself a
tikkun for anger, in his prayers, begging Hashem to
help him overcome this evil trait.
He demanded it from himself during the vidui, berating
himself for the wasting of ten precious minutes, lost in the
course of an entire year. Ten minutes not having been
utilized properly -- in his sight. Had he not received life
for the purpose of filling it with good deeds? These ten
minutes had gone to waste, been lost forevermore. And this
pained him no end. He confessed his sin weepingly, and poured
out his sobbing heart with a plea that Hashem forgive him
this grievous sin.
They tell how once, when the Chofetz Chaim was traveling with
the Radin wagoner, the latter began pouring out his heart to
his worthy passenger. "Do you know, Rebbe, that the village
made a collection to help me buy this horse? This was after
the previous horse suddenly collapsed on me and died." He
sighed deeply.
The Chofetz Chaim couldn't help asking, "Why so sad, Reb
Avrohom? You have another horse, instead!"
"True, but it disturbs me. Why did a simple impoverished
villager like myself have to go through this ordeal to begin
with?"
The Chofetz Chaim comforted him and said that Hashem was
doubtlessly correct in His judgment and sentence. "Hashem is
righteous in all His ways."
He went on to explain that even wagoners have their trials
and their faults. Did it not ever happen that he made up a
price at the beginning of the trip, only to demand a higher
fee at the end? Was he never guilty of allowing his horses to
feed on hay that did not belong to him and letting them graze
in strange fields along the way? "It is possible," concluded
the Chofetz Chaim, "that Heaven is punishing you for such
sins."
The wagoner was not yet mollified, but persisted, "If so,
Rebbe, you are not a baal agoloh like my humble self,
with my weaknesses and sins. So tell me? Why was your fur
coat stolen last winter at the Vilna train station?"
The Chofetz Chaim heaved a sigh and said, "Do you really
think, Reb Avrohom, that I am such a tzaddik? It's not
true. I have my own failings and sins. I am involved in
business, too. I sell my works. Sometimes, one of my books
has a torn page, or a page that is illegible, or is missing a
page. I try to be careful and look over each one before I
sell it, but a man is only human, after all, and I can't be
perfect. My customers are embarrassed to let me know if there
is a defect and demand a refund, but they are peeved,
nonetheless. That is why I was punished . . . "
This is how the Chofetz Chaim saw himself. He always felt
there was room for improvement. Every incident that happened
to him was interpreted as a direct result of something he had
done, as retribution for some failing.
Another incident teaches us about the Chofetz Chaim's fear of
wasting every precious minute.
Once, when the Ponevezher Rov was studying together with R'
Elchonon Wasserman, they needed to look something up in a
work that the Chofetz Chaim possessed in his library, since
this work was mentioned in Shaar Zion. They went to
his house and asked for it. The Chofetz Chaim stood by the
bookcase, looked at it, sighed, and said, "No. I don't have
that work. Whenever I needed it myself, I used to borrow it
from someone else."
His disciples thought that he was sighing over the fact that
he did not possess that particular work. R' Elchonon asked
the Chofetz Chaim if that was so. He replied, "I own a great
many works, and each of them cost me a great deal of money.
How did I obtain the money to purchase them? I had to expend
time to earn that money, and just now I couldn't help
thinking: A pity for all the time I have had to invest in
order to buy all these seforim."
The Ponevezher Rov noted that the Chofetz Chaim's library was
not even that extensive. Nevertheless, he sighed over the
time expended in earning the money to purchase every
sefer.
*
Erev Yom Kippur. The students of Yeshivas Radin gathered and
came to the house of the Kohen Godol. They sought to
absorb some more `whitener' to cleanse themselves from their
sins before the Day of Atonement. The Chofetz Chaim's house
bustled with people. Rabbenu sat, engrossed in his thoughts.
He studied the youths, one by one, and then he noticed
several who came to the yeshiva all the way from America. His
heart welled up and he was moved to exclaim,
"The Tana R' Nehorai, who lived in the Holy Land, said:
`Exile yourself to a place of Torah.' Our fellow Jews are
scattered throughout the world. America is also a land of the
diaspora."
He paused thoughtfully for a moment and then directed his
gaze at them. He raised his voice feelingly and said, "Just
look and see, Ribono shel Olom! Here is a boy who
picks himself up and leaves his home, his parents, his
relatives in America, a land of plenty and comfort and
luxuries, a land which also has yeshivos! And yet he comes
here, to an isolated, remote little town. And why? To live a
life of deprivation! Why, this is golus within a
golus! Why? Wherefore? For Your sake, Hashem. For the
sake of Your Torah! For this alone, You must show mercy upon
Your people and gather them up from all of their scattered
exiles."
He sighed again and added, "Revive me, Hashem, revive me! The
time has already arrived!" And he burst into tears which
echoed and reverberated and sent shock waves to the hearts of
all those present who, likewise, burst into tears, tears that
literally overflowed and coursed down their cheeks.
One Yom Kippur, Rabbenu addressed the yeshiva rousingly,
exhorting them against the sin of theft. This is what he
said: "We are standing now before the finalization of the
judgment. Surely, each of us has repented his particular sins
against Hashem, through remorse over the past and a
resolution for the future. But we know that Yom Kippur does
not atone for sins between man and his fellow man if one does
not approach his friend and appease him. It is possible that
someone borrowed money and forgot to return it. The rule is
that such a sin is not forgiven until the debt has been
cancelled.
"What shall we do, now?" he asked aloud. "How can we declare
in the Neila prayer ` . . . that we cease the theft of
our hands'? " He continued in the tone of a father painfully
chastising his son. "An idea just struck me. Each of us shall
now designate a day in the very near future when he will
examine all of his personal records and exercise his memory
to ascertain that he has no outstanding debts. If he finds
himself owing something, he should immediately pay it back.
Such a resolution at this very moment must be made with full
heart. Consider it in your minds as already done and taken
care of. And in this merit shall we be acquitted in our
judgment." He then descended from the bimah and
signaled for Neila to begin.
This was the nature of the Chofetz Chaim's reproaches and
reproofs. He constantly sought to align, rectify and improve
each of his fellow Jews. For many years he stood watch by the
gates, exhorting, fearlessly, disregarding opposition,
showing no quarter. Those who lent an ear and internalized
his messages, were privileged to improve themselves to a
great degree.
Once, when giving a talk in the yeshiva, he noticed the
absence of several of the students who had decided to
continue their study at the time. He sent someone to summon
them, adding, "Do they think that they will always have a
Chofetz Chaim to listen to?"
On the 24th of Elul, 5693 (1933), exactly seventy years ago,
the Jewish people lost its Rosh Kol Bnei Hagoloh,
Maran the Chofetz Chaim ztvk'l.
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