Research shows that there is a relationship between
children's ability to get along with peers and their academic
performance, mental health and adult adjustment. This is not
surprising if we understand that a child who cannot interact
with peers in a successful way feels very isolated and
dejected. This sense of failure may tend to generalize to
other areas of his life. Alternatively, other challenges in
his life may influence his relationships with peers.
Whatever the reason, failure tends to breed failure and
success breeds success. A child who is experiencing failure
may begin to view himself as a failure in many ways. A
conscientious parent, with a lot of patience and effort, can
help a child break the chain of failure and become successful
in his social relations, whether they are caused by anger and
frustration or by learning challenges.
It is important to determine the nature and root of a child's
social problem. The first step in this process is
investigation. Contact teachers and after-school activity
leaders and ask them how your child behaves with his peers.
Invite peers to your home or observe him elsewhere with his
peers. Does he seem to be aggressive or overly passive and
shy? How do his peers respond to him? Does he have habits
that annoy them or problems with hygiene? One child I know
experienced a lot of rejection because she didn't wipe her
nose and this bothered the other girls. Does she have
problems keeping with social rules such as dress and
appropriate language? Determine your child's behavior in the
following skill areas (just a few of the important ones):
Giving positive feedback (compliments, noticing positive
behavior in others) / Giving negative feedback appropriately
(criticism) / Receiving positive feedback / Receiving
negative feedback / Resisting peer pressure / Negotiating
solutions to problems / Following instructions / Initiating
and maintaining a conversation / Listening skills / Taking
turns and sharing
It is possible to determine if a child possesses the above
skills but is having difficulty putting them into practice
for various reasons by using role-play (play acting) or
characters from a book or through observation or
discussion.
Some examples:
Positive feedback -- Reading a book about two good friends.
Esti and Leah are good friends. How could Esti show Leah how
much she likes her?
Giving negative feedback: What could Esty do if she were
angry at Leah for borrowing her book without permission?
Resisting peer pressure: Some of the girls decide to stop
speaking to Sara and to get the whole class to ignore her.
You don't think it is right. What could you do?
Negotiating solutions; Yaakov and Chaim are playing at
Chaim's house. Yaakov wants to play chess but Chaim thinks
it's boring. Each game that Yaakov suggests, Chaim doesn't
like and vice versa.
Listening skills: Tell your child a story about two friends.
Moishy and Reuven. Reuven always tells Moishy, "You're not
listening to me." Act out what Reuven might mean. Moishy is
not making eye contact, is busy playing with his ball and
continues to speak about unrelated topics while Reuven is
talking.
Conversation skills : For younger children, you can use dolls
to act out an outlandish conversation between two girls.
Sarah is now in school and wants to make friends. Chaya comes
over to her and begins telling her about her trip to the
Chofetz Chaim waterpark. They have never met before and Sarah
was in the middle of reading a great new book. Chaya spends
about five minutes telling Sarah about her trip without even
asking her name or stopping to see if Sarah is listening. She
is also holding Sara's hands and touching her book. Sarah,
who really wants to make new friends, is still looking at her
book during the entire discussion. Later, when Chaya finally
asks her if she thinks the trip sounded fun, she says, "Yes,"
and looks back at her book.
Have the child tell you what each girl did wrong. To maintain
a conversation, children need to learn to: choose the right
time, introduce themselves, make eye contact, wait for pauses
in the conversation to begin speaking, stay on the topic,
maintain appropriate distance -- not too close or too far
away, listen to what others have to say. Not to interrupt,
not to dominate the conversation, to allow others to speak,
ask questions that require more than a `yes' or `no' answer,
give answers that are more involved than `yes' or `no,' take
turns.
Watch your child with peers. Does he wait his turn, follow
the rules? Is he a good winner, a good loser? Is he too
bossy?
Sharing: Does she grab or is he able to ask for toys nicely
and say `thank you' when someone shares with him? Does he ask
to use toys for a specific amount of time and then return
them? Does he return items when asked or offer to trade
something of his for something he wants? Does he share his
things when asked?
Performance / Motivation Deficits
A child who is not displaying the above social skills
appropriately may possess the skills but does not use them
for various reasons. A child who has difficulty performing
skills that he possesses may have social fears or anxiety.
Aggressive behavior requires further investigation. Is he
experiencing learning challenges or health problems that may
be the cause of his frustration? Is he getting enough
positive, quality attention at home or are there strains in
his relationship with parents or other stressors at home?
A child may have a motivational deficit. He may, for example,
clearly know how to take turns and has done it when provided
with rewards. He may find it difficult to take turns and play
by the rules because he enjoys playing however and whenever
he wants. This can be tested if he does take turns when
provided with incentives (prizes or privileges etc.).
Temperament is another factor in social skills. Does he have
a temperament that makes social interaction difficult?
According to Rona Milch, author of Helping Your Child Make
Friends, certain levels of a given temperament may be
more or less conducive to social interaction. Traits that
measure temperament are: activity level, rhythm, approach,
withdrawal, adaptability, intensity, persistence,
sensitivity, distractibility and mood.
Activity level: Is he able to sit in one place or is he
always on the go, moving around?
Rhythm: Does he fall asleep at the same time every day and
eat at regular times or is he always on an irregular
schedule?
Approach/withdrawal: Is he willing to try new things or does
he have great difficulty trying new things?
Adaptability: Does he move easily from one activity to the
next, is not easily upset by change, is flexible with change
in routine, or does he have great difficulty with change in
plans and transitions?
How intense is the child's emotional reactions? Does he
scream when happy or sad, or just squeak? Is he easily
frustrated?
Persistence: Does he lock into an activity or a point of view
and not accept `No' for an answer, or is he more flexible?
Sensitivity: Is he affected by scratchy textures, smells,
foods that he doesn't like? Is he very sensitive to the
emotions of others, like an emotional barometer?
Distractibility: Does he notice every aspect of the
environment -- even things that others miss, but is easily
distracted from a task?
Mood: Is your child calm and happy or is he often upset or
sad?
Milch believes that a child with an average level of activity
will have an easier time with friendships; middle-high in
rhythm is most conducive to friendship building. Lower levels
of intensity and quicker adaptablility and ability to
approach new things will serve children best in the social
arena as will a happy and content mood. A medium level of
persistence seems to work best for children and a low-medium
level of sensitivity. Lastly, a child with a medium activity
level who is not easily distracted will normally fare better
with friends than an overactive, easily distracted one, says
Milch.
SKILLS DEFICIT
A child may not have learned or mastered the various aspects
of a group of social skills. This is common in children with
learning challenges. Just as it is difficult for them to
read, it may be difficult for them to `read' people. It is
likely that a child does not know how to perform a given
skill if he almost never performs the skill accurately.
Parents may test this by providing rewards or incentives to
utilize the given skill. If after offering incentives, the
child still does not use this skill, then it is likely he
does not know how. If incentives do motivate the children to
change, then behavior modification may be helpful.
Child with skills deficits often have trouble understanding
nonverbal communication. They may find it difficult to
understand nonverbal expression of emotion. This is referred
to as a problem in receptive empathy. Alternatively, a child
may not be able to properly express the emotions he feels --
expressive empathy. To determine if a child is having
difficulty with receptive empathy, act out a range of
emotions and ask him to guess what you are feeling. Pictures
are also helpful and can be family photos or books.
A problem with expressive empathy can be seen in a child's
interactions with his peers. Try to guess what he is feeling
and look to see if he is expressing his feelings
appropriately through his facial expressions and body
language. He can also be asked to act out a variety of
emotions. Does he seem to understand voice intonations (they
can often be meaningful), postures and gestures, facial
expressions and appropriate distance and touch in
interpersonal interactions?
Children who possess social skills deficits, whether they are
motivational or skill-based, can be helped through skills
training and/or behavior motivation. If a child has a skill-
based deficit, a lot of patience, understanding and light-
heartedness are needed to help him overcome his difficulty.
The effort is worthwhile, as it can help him to feel better
about himself and fit in with his peers.
