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20 Elul 5763 - September 17, 2003 | Mordecai Plaut, director Published Weekly
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Home and Family


Play Therapy and Guidance to Parents
The Importance of Social Skills

by Masha Wolff, M.A.

Research shows that there is a relationship between children's ability to get along with peers and their academic performance, mental health and adult adjustment. This is not surprising if we understand that a child who cannot interact with peers in a successful way feels very isolated and dejected. This sense of failure may tend to generalize to other areas of his life. Alternatively, other challenges in his life may influence his relationships with peers.

Whatever the reason, failure tends to breed failure and success breeds success. A child who is experiencing failure may begin to view himself as a failure in many ways. A conscientious parent, with a lot of patience and effort, can help a child break the chain of failure and become successful in his social relations, whether they are caused by anger and frustration or by learning challenges.

It is important to determine the nature and root of a child's social problem. The first step in this process is investigation. Contact teachers and after-school activity leaders and ask them how your child behaves with his peers. Invite peers to your home or observe him elsewhere with his peers. Does he seem to be aggressive or overly passive and shy? How do his peers respond to him? Does he have habits that annoy them or problems with hygiene? One child I know experienced a lot of rejection because she didn't wipe her nose and this bothered the other girls. Does she have problems keeping with social rules such as dress and appropriate language? Determine your child's behavior in the following skill areas (just a few of the important ones):

Giving positive feedback (compliments, noticing positive behavior in others) / Giving negative feedback appropriately (criticism) / Receiving positive feedback / Receiving negative feedback / Resisting peer pressure / Negotiating solutions to problems / Following instructions / Initiating and maintaining a conversation / Listening skills / Taking turns and sharing

It is possible to determine if a child possesses the above skills but is having difficulty putting them into practice for various reasons by using role-play (play acting) or characters from a book or through observation or discussion.

Some examples:

Positive feedback -- Reading a book about two good friends. Esti and Leah are good friends. How could Esti show Leah how much she likes her?

Giving negative feedback: What could Esty do if she were angry at Leah for borrowing her book without permission?

Resisting peer pressure: Some of the girls decide to stop speaking to Sara and to get the whole class to ignore her. You don't think it is right. What could you do?

Negotiating solutions; Yaakov and Chaim are playing at Chaim's house. Yaakov wants to play chess but Chaim thinks it's boring. Each game that Yaakov suggests, Chaim doesn't like and vice versa.

Listening skills: Tell your child a story about two friends. Moishy and Reuven. Reuven always tells Moishy, "You're not listening to me." Act out what Reuven might mean. Moishy is not making eye contact, is busy playing with his ball and continues to speak about unrelated topics while Reuven is talking.

Conversation skills : For younger children, you can use dolls to act out an outlandish conversation between two girls. Sarah is now in school and wants to make friends. Chaya comes over to her and begins telling her about her trip to the Chofetz Chaim waterpark. They have never met before and Sarah was in the middle of reading a great new book. Chaya spends about five minutes telling Sarah about her trip without even asking her name or stopping to see if Sarah is listening. She is also holding Sara's hands and touching her book. Sarah, who really wants to make new friends, is still looking at her book during the entire discussion. Later, when Chaya finally asks her if she thinks the trip sounded fun, she says, "Yes," and looks back at her book.

Have the child tell you what each girl did wrong. To maintain a conversation, children need to learn to: choose the right time, introduce themselves, make eye contact, wait for pauses in the conversation to begin speaking, stay on the topic, maintain appropriate distance -- not too close or too far away, listen to what others have to say. Not to interrupt, not to dominate the conversation, to allow others to speak, ask questions that require more than a `yes' or `no' answer, give answers that are more involved than `yes' or `no,' take turns.

Watch your child with peers. Does he wait his turn, follow the rules? Is he a good winner, a good loser? Is he too bossy?

Sharing: Does she grab or is he able to ask for toys nicely and say `thank you' when someone shares with him? Does he ask to use toys for a specific amount of time and then return them? Does he return items when asked or offer to trade something of his for something he wants? Does he share his things when asked?

Performance / Motivation Deficits

A child who is not displaying the above social skills appropriately may possess the skills but does not use them for various reasons. A child who has difficulty performing skills that he possesses may have social fears or anxiety.

Aggressive behavior requires further investigation. Is he experiencing learning challenges or health problems that may be the cause of his frustration? Is he getting enough positive, quality attention at home or are there strains in his relationship with parents or other stressors at home?

A child may have a motivational deficit. He may, for example, clearly know how to take turns and has done it when provided with rewards. He may find it difficult to take turns and play by the rules because he enjoys playing however and whenever he wants. This can be tested if he does take turns when provided with incentives (prizes or privileges etc.).

Temperament is another factor in social skills. Does he have a temperament that makes social interaction difficult? According to Rona Milch, author of Helping Your Child Make Friends, certain levels of a given temperament may be more or less conducive to social interaction. Traits that measure temperament are: activity level, rhythm, approach, withdrawal, adaptability, intensity, persistence, sensitivity, distractibility and mood.

Activity level: Is he able to sit in one place or is he always on the go, moving around?

Rhythm: Does he fall asleep at the same time every day and eat at regular times or is he always on an irregular schedule?

Approach/withdrawal: Is he willing to try new things or does he have great difficulty trying new things?

Adaptability: Does he move easily from one activity to the next, is not easily upset by change, is flexible with change in routine, or does he have great difficulty with change in plans and transitions?

How intense is the child's emotional reactions? Does he scream when happy or sad, or just squeak? Is he easily frustrated?

Persistence: Does he lock into an activity or a point of view and not accept `No' for an answer, or is he more flexible?

Sensitivity: Is he affected by scratchy textures, smells, foods that he doesn't like? Is he very sensitive to the emotions of others, like an emotional barometer?

Distractibility: Does he notice every aspect of the environment -- even things that others miss, but is easily distracted from a task?

Mood: Is your child calm and happy or is he often upset or sad?

Milch believes that a child with an average level of activity will have an easier time with friendships; middle-high in rhythm is most conducive to friendship building. Lower levels of intensity and quicker adaptablility and ability to approach new things will serve children best in the social arena as will a happy and content mood. A medium level of persistence seems to work best for children and a low-medium level of sensitivity. Lastly, a child with a medium activity level who is not easily distracted will normally fare better with friends than an overactive, easily distracted one, says Milch.

SKILLS DEFICIT

A child may not have learned or mastered the various aspects of a group of social skills. This is common in children with learning challenges. Just as it is difficult for them to read, it may be difficult for them to `read' people. It is likely that a child does not know how to perform a given skill if he almost never performs the skill accurately. Parents may test this by providing rewards or incentives to utilize the given skill. If after offering incentives, the child still does not use this skill, then it is likely he does not know how. If incentives do motivate the children to change, then behavior modification may be helpful.

Child with skills deficits often have trouble understanding nonverbal communication. They may find it difficult to understand nonverbal expression of emotion. This is referred to as a problem in receptive empathy. Alternatively, a child may not be able to properly express the emotions he feels -- expressive empathy. To determine if a child is having difficulty with receptive empathy, act out a range of emotions and ask him to guess what you are feeling. Pictures are also helpful and can be family photos or books.

A problem with expressive empathy can be seen in a child's interactions with his peers. Try to guess what he is feeling and look to see if he is expressing his feelings appropriately through his facial expressions and body language. He can also be asked to act out a variety of emotions. Does he seem to understand voice intonations (they can often be meaningful), postures and gestures, facial expressions and appropriate distance and touch in interpersonal interactions?

Children who possess social skills deficits, whether they are motivational or skill-based, can be helped through skills training and/or behavior motivation. If a child has a skill- based deficit, a lot of patience, understanding and light- heartedness are needed to help him overcome his difficulty. The effort is worthwhile, as it can help him to feel better about himself and fit in with his peers.

 

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