My three-year-old grandson came home from nursery school and
announced that his teacher had told the class that the
following week they might be able to go on an outing.
"How nice," said his mother. "Where will you be going?"
"Don't know," came the reply. "We were talking about that.
Some of the people in the class want to go to a park."
Yes, just as my middle-aged friends are people and your peers
and associates are people, the children in that nursery
school class are people as well.
The most effective parents and teachers are the ones who can
maintain a sense of community within a family or class, and a
feeling of human dignity and self worth for each individual
within that group.
What is the worst thing an educator can do? Belittle a child -
- to make him small in his own eyes and in the eyes of his
peers so that he appears to be less than a person.
Rabbi Pesach Krohn tells a sad story that happened many years
ago. There was a child who was disruptive to the tranquil
classroom setting. He had some problems and was `acting
out.'
Today, such a boy might be diagnosed as learning disabled,
but in the language of that time he was called a `mental
case.'
The teacher had had it up to his ears with this boy. We all
know that this can happen. However, there is more to the
story.
The boy's name was Mendel. One day, the teacher just could
not deal with Mendel's disruptive antics. He lost it. He
shouted at the boy and instead of calling out `Mendel,' he
called the boy `mental.'
The nickname stuck and it led to disastrous results. Mendel
was no longer a person; he was a mental case. His humanity
had been stripped away from him in one brief moment.
It is not just teachers who are guilty of this. Parents
sometimes call their own children `stupid,' `idiot' or
worse.
We are supposed to see within everyone we meet the tzelem
Elokim, the Divine image that is within him or her.
Rabbi Avrohom Twerski tells how his father consistently dealt
with problematic behavior. If he caught one of his young sons
doing something inappropriate, the senior Rabbi Twerski would
say, "Es past nisht -- It is not fitting behavior for
you." The message was clear: that behavior is beneath the
standard I would expect of a person of your caliber. After
hearing that gentle reminder, the child would immediately act
in a more proper manner.
But what will happen to the child who is called `stupid'?
Most likely he is not unintelligent at all. And he will think
to himself, "If they think that little of me, just watch what
else I can do." The inappropriate behavior will spiral out of
control and all because the parent forgot for maybe one
second that standing before him is -- a person!
I know one set of young parents who are wise beyond their
years. They have several small children at home. Each time a
new baby is born into that family, the father comes home from
the hospital and tells his older children that they have a
new sister or brother and as soon as the newborn is named,
the parents refer to the infant only by name. No one in the
family is every called "the baby" who needs Mommy's
attention; it is a person called Chani/Moishy. As an
added bonus, the one-year-old does not feel dispossessed of
his/her title when the next child is born.
When a decision has to be made concerning family plans, wise
parents involve their children in the discussion. This does
not mean that the adults then do whatever the children want.
It means that the children are consulted and thereby given
the message that their opinions are important to their
parents.
Years ago, when we bought our first home, my husband and I
went to a flooring center to pick out carpets. The salesman
showed us all of the synthetic carpet samples on the showroom
floor. My husband looked at them. I looked at them, and our
very young son studied them as well.
We talked for a while about the particular texture that was
most pleasing and there was one sample of a new type of
polyester that had just the right `feel' but the colors were
awful. We asked the salesman if there were any other carpets
made of that material with better coloring.
In the midst of this discussion, my pre-school son
disappeared into the alcove behind the desk and came back
shlepping a sample book that we had not been shown. Behind
its soft cover, it contained the samples of the very latest,
improved polyester carpet and the salesman had not remembered
that it was there. We looked through the book, picked out the
color we liked and that carpet lasted for well over twenty
years! We were always grateful to the `person' who found it
for us.
I will always have fond memories of my ninth grade World
History class. Once a week, our teacher would throw out a
subject and we would have a lively town- hall type of
discussion about it. During that hour, we were not young
students. We were serious 13- and 14- year-old philosophers
and historians solving the problems of the world.
It is all a matter of attitude.
One family of pre-schoolers spent a whole morning at their
front window, watching a new neighbor move into their
building. They were intrigued by the movers who were rushing
back and forth, unpacking a `lift' containing a household
full of furniture plus a huge number of cartons filled with
clothing, books and housewares.
For weeks after that, whenever the mother wanted the children
to put away their toys, she would pull out some cartons which
had come with the last grocery delivery, help the children
toss all of the toys, dolls and blocks into the boxes, and
then as they all carried the filled cartons to the corner of
the room where the toys were kept, the mother and children
would sing out loud, "The moving men are coming; the moving
men are coming." The children were delighted to be moving men
and the clean-up was accomplished in record time.
We can improve our own attitudes. When taking your children
to the playground, it doesn't have to be an ordeal. Okay, so
you are pushing a double stroller and you do have to
account for the toddlers holding onto it. But you can
actually enjoy yourself if you consider the trip "an outing
with some nice people."
Last of all, don't think of your activities at about five in
the afternoon, when you are bustling about in the kitchen, as
actions leading up to "giving the children their supper."
Think of yourself as a hostess.
You are preparing a dinner party for several important
guests. And even if they do tend to smear tehina on the
chairs and spill the milk on the floor, welcome them to the
table with a big smile, if not with a hug. And as they file
in and take their places at the table, keep your perspective
and bear in mind that this is a community of -- people.
