When parents and teachers realize they have a perfectionist
in their care, they have to channel this trait and teach
their charge how to discipline it. He has the potential to be
a wonderful individual, which, of course, he does not realize
until he is older. First and foremost, a child must conquer
any feelings of disdain he might feel for `lesse' mortals. Or
any feelings of superiority. He isn't superior, he has just
been blessed with these traits and the wish to perfect them.
He must also learn to conquer the feeling of failure and
inferiority when he does not succeed. He will become more
popular if he helps others without ordering them about. He
cannot help being born with this trait, and like any other,
it takes a lifetime to work on it and get it right!
The fact that teachers and parents place such stress on high
marks encourages children to aim for 100% perfect performance
without a single mistake. Teachers should emphasize the
importance of learning for its own sake, and they should
praise the hard workers who get lower marks, for the effort
they have displayed. Children should be given a sense of
their value regardless of how they perform at school. Top
prizes should not be given to the same person each year but
on the other hand, it is soul destroying for the weaker
student to be told in public that the prize is for effort. It
can be given for "the most progress this year."
When the drive for perfection is applied to competitive
fields, e.g., memorizing hundreds of mishnayos, and
the individual is competing on a national or international
level, then his or her perfection is encouraged. If the
striving for excellence is limited to `unimportant' things,
then often s/he is discouraged. We must value the positive
aspects of perfectionism and encourage our children to do the
same. It is an energy which needs to be channeled in a
positive direction, not quashed.
Difficult challenges generate anxieties and the child will
require a great deal of inner strength and persistence to
overcome these worries. Remember, a perfectionist is afraid
of failure and will often not attempt a task if he feels he
might fail.
If you discuss some of the problems you have faced as a
perfectionist and the strategies you have used to overcome
them, the child will identify with you and be more inclined
to act on your advice. The fact is that many perfectionists
have a parent who is inclined the same way. Especially if
they are gifted children. But not all gifted children are
perfectionists. In fact, there are some who do nothing with
their lives, when they could have achieved so much. Things
have been too easy for them and they have never had to exert
themselves. This, too, is an unfortunate trait. Let me stress
that you do not have to be gifted to be a perfectionist.
These children should learn to acknowledge the drive to excel
and the persistence it requires. Teach them the need to set
priorities and to decide which things are really important to
them. People who are perfectionists in everything they do are
more likely to suffer from depression and feelings of
failure. They have to learn to regard their failures as
successes. They are not likely to make the same mistakes
twice; thus they have succeeded in mastering the task for the
future. Encourage them not to give up. It takes time and
effort to achieve high standards.
Help your child to distinguish between perfectionist
attitudes towards oneself and others. Explain how unfair it
is to expect others to aim for your high standards.
Teach your children not to run away from difficulties.
Support them. If necessary, help them solve the problem
before they begin.
Perfectionists will push themselves beyond all reasonable
limits to achieve goals which they feel are important. You
need to reassure the perfectionists that this trait is an
integral part of them and that pain and disappointment are
unavoidable in the pursuit of excellence. Especially in the
region of moral perfection, a child needs help and guidance.
(Don't we all.)
The central point of all this is to teach the child that
perfectionism can be a good trait or a bad one, and it is up
to him to choose. As with all advice or admonishment which we
give our children, select the right time to speak to him, and
don't do it too often. The best teacher is personal
example.
