This topic was requested by two readers and is relevant to
many more.
Dear Editor,
I don't know if this letter will be printed. If not, can its
message still be conveyed?
RE: SHIDDUCHIM
Many times there are problems in health and mental health in
particular, which are ignored or covered up during the
adolescent / shidduchim age. The reasons for this attitude
are many, but one basic point has been brought up. If the
adolescent gets therapy, he may be labeled and his shidduchim
chances will be compromised.
Result? 1) The person in question suffers and does not
receive the therapy/ guidance/ medication needed.
2) The problems usually erupt after the person is `safely'
married and the spouse must pay the penalty. The marriage may
be jeopardized.
What can be done to alleviate this situation?
YATED COLUMNIST CHAIM WALDER addresses this
problem:
The Disease No One Talks About
The Israeli calendar recently dedicated itself to "Mental
Health Week," during which newspapers nationwide headlined
columns as the very one above. The fact that the subject came
out in the open during this week goes to show that mental
illness is still taboo even in the secular society. All the
more so in our own.
To begin with, we must state that this article does not
represent a professional opinion backed by psychiatric know-
how. Rather, it is a subjective analysis of my own viewpoint,
as formulated from experience and impressions.
What is mental illness and why is our attitude towards it so
different than towards other illnesses?
Just as cardiac disease indicates malfunction of the heart,
cancer is a wild growth of aggressive cells in the body, and
kidney dysfunction affects the physiological system that this
organ governs, so does mental illness affect the emotional
stability of a person. We will not go into chemical
imbalances in the brain that may or may not be connected but
suffice with the bare fact that it attacks emotional
equilibrium.
Let us assume that a person feels terrible chest pains or
other frightening symptoms indicating some illness. Would we
dream of his denying it and suppressing the symptoms, or
hiding them from his family?
Can we envision a person suffering a heart attack and his
family telling him, "Oh, come on, stop play-acting. Grin and
bear it and don't make things difficult for us."
With regard to heart disease, kidney disease and cancer, no
one hesitates to seek treatment even if there is some
publicity involved. But when it comes to mental disease, we
find people denying it and refusing to seek professional
help. A person keeps his suffering to himself and denies
himself treatment, even if his family pressures him to seek
it. Then there are families who prefer to hide it and may
even express anger against the sufferer, expecting him to be
happy or at least `play the game.' Why is he bent on shaming
the family?
*
Why don't we relate to mental illness as we do to any other
illness?
The answer is complex. The character of this disease promotes
a state of confusion in the patient and those surrounding
him. The mind has certain defense mechanisms such as denial
and repression, which continue to operate even with the
diseased mind, sometimes to an even greater degree. The
result: a total refusal of the patient to admit his
condition, which is abetted by the family.
A sufferer may feel that he is at the end of his tether; he
loses all initiative, becomes increasingly inactive, will get
up late, sleep during the day, take absences from school/
work/ family responsibilities/ meals. His environment does
not consider him sick but a parasite, a lazy good-for-
nothing. Those around him try to coax him back to action and
involvement, either through positive encouragement or
negative scolding which only aggravate his condition. The
patient will enter deeper and more extended bouts of
depression, periods of silence, introversion, and his family
will beg him, "Come on, snap out of it. Look at the blue sky,
look at all the wonderful things you have to be thankful for.
What are you missing in life?" And he looks at them, knowing
that he cannot begin to explain. They will never understand
because in order to understand, you must feel.
Rare are those people who feel what the emotionally
ill person goes through without being ill themselves. In
order to do this, one must reconstruct the saddest experience
you ever went through (and who doesn't have this?) and
multiply it tenfold. You've got to remove any positive point
in your life that brings you joy and hope. Did you ever
realize that the slaps on the shoulder which we give to a
depressed person, saying, "Nu, enough already. Wake up!
Smile! Live again! The grass is green!" and so on, only
intensify his difficult feeling, his frustration, and his
desire to shut himself totally from the world?
Mental illness is not something logical. It is not an
objective state and has no connection to it. The richest
person in the world can be clinically depressed, while a poor
man sitting in mourning over a son can be buoyant in spirit,
despite his sadness. (Sadness is not equal to depression,
just like joy is not madness.)
When you are faced with a situation which you cannot explain
logically, especially if it is painful, you become helpless.
Helpless people act in strange ways. Either they sever
contact with their surroundings or they accumulate resentment
and anger against those who cause their frustration. The
result: the mentally ill receive in return large doses of
anger, insults, disappointment and antagonism. If they had
been suffering from cancer, everyone would be falling all
over themselves solicitously, to be helpful, to ease their
suffering in every way possible. But because their illness is
emotional, the victims are subject to ill-placed anger to
such a degree that they wish they were dead, and not always
without reason!
Only if we are to understand that mental disease is a
sickness like any other, will its sufferers be vindicated,
legitimized, understood and helped. Part of this
legitimization can only come through bringing it out in the
open: talking about the disease a lot and understanding
it.
And that's exactly what we've just done! See? We talked about
it. So what?
*
I would like to publicize information about a new service
being offered by Mercaz Layeled velaMishpacha in Bnei
Brak. For the past half year, this organization, run by the
Bnei Brak municipality, has maintained an "Open Door" for
counseling parents and educational figures dealing with
children and youth whose behavior indicates mental
instability.
The counseling for adults, youth and children is provided by
psychiatrists who have served the chareidi public for dozens
of years. It must be stressed that this is not equal to
treatment per se; rather, it is guidance for those involved
with the patient, not for the patient himself.
To begin with, strong emphasis is placed on anonymity and
privacy. Those who wish to avail themselves of this service
can coordinate it discreetly without registration of any
kind, no records filled, and full assurance that they meet in
total privacy. The guidance is free of charge to avoid the
economic difficulty involved in psychiatric counseling.
This guidance is available at Mercaz Layeled velaMishpacha at
Rechov Shlomo Hamelech 13, Bnei Brak. Appointments can be
made through 03-6775119; 03- 6775129.
