She had a baby some time ago, at the same time as you did.
Unfortunately, there were complications and something went
wrong with the child. Now on your way out, relishing the
sunshine and enjoying the feeling of pushing your little
prince in his new carriage, you spot your erstwhile friend.
Erstwhile? You feel a kind of embarrassment. You want to
cross the road. What can you say?
Please don't cross the road. Please go over to her and greet
her. Ask how the baby is doing. Don't attempt to show off
your little darling, but don't hide him, either. Talk
normally. Ask her how often she has to go for appointments
and whether this has prevented her from going back to work.
Most parents will want to talk about the baby, even if there
is something wrong, and they get very hurt when people are
too embarrassed to speak.
You meet a friend at a wedding. Like you, she is in her mid-
thirties but unlike you, she is still single. Unless she
brings up the subject, there are other things to discuss
besides shidduchim. It may sound strange, but there
are even other things to talk about besides your children!
Remember how you used to put the world to rights twenty years
ago? You had plenty to talk about then! Ask her if you could
get together some time, either at her place or yours. This
may seem alien to you, as there is little spare time in your
hectic daily schedule to socialize and very likely, she has
made a new circle of friends. However, she might really
appreciate the fact that you would like to pick up the
friendship again.
A few women are chatting at a simcha, discussing, in
all likelihood, problems they are having with their children,
when one of their old classmates comes over to sit at their
table. This classmate has been married for several years and
has as yet no children. The more sensitive among you will
want to change the subject immediately and there is an
uncomfortable silence. This will not help your friend.
Continue your discussion for a little while. It does not hurt
to ask her what she will do when she has three consecutive
weeks of broken nights, thus leaving her with the feeling
that she is one of you and will, please G-d, have a family
soon, too. This depends on the individual, of course, as does
any kind of social relationship. As always, it is impossible
to generalize.
These are all common situations which we encounter regularly,
either as the subject who evokes compassion, or as the one
who is feeling the pity. Numerous books, articles and advice
columns have been published on the subject, with various do's
and don'ts. However, we don't all read these books, nor do we
always manage to keep to the rules even if we have read
them.
Can't people see that I haven't changed just because I
have a son with Down's syndrome? I don't begrudge them their
own healthy baby! In fact, I love my own child dearly, but I
would like to be a person in my own right and not just
"nebbich, the mother of that child."
Yes, I would still like to get married, in spite of my
advanced age, but meanwhile, I would like to enjoy this
particular party without thinking of my `single' status all
the time.
People are tense or stilted because of their innate kindness.
If you have a bunch of kids and your friend doesn't have a
child yet, you can answer her polite question about the
children for a moment or two. But don't elaborate. Ask her
about her life (and not about whether she is attending a
fertility clinic!). It is quite disconcerting to receive
advice, and frequently conflicting advice, on personal
matters which one does not really want to discuss at all.
Finally, who says that anyone who has this kind of adversity
in life is a nebbich? Who says she is to be pitied,
and who are the others to pity her? The Creator and
Mastermind of this world has given each of us a purpose in
life. He has given us ways and means to grow and earn our
olom haba. Someone who is blessed with their first
child after ten years of marriage will appreciate this child
far more than a young woman who was given this same gift
while she was still half a child herself.
The woman who waited may not be in such a hurry to pack the
child off to nursery or play group while he is still in
diapers. In the `olden days', when one still used cloth
diapers and had to wash them without the benefit of a washing
machine, a woman who had waited a long time for her first
child enthused over the privilege of being able to carry out
this seemingly unpleasant task.
People who have only found their basherte after many
years of seeking are more mature, obviously, and have a
better idea of the meaningful things in life. Of course we
should pray for them and feel sympathy. Hashem knows what is
good for us and He chooses the right time to answer our
prayers. But don't make them objects of pity. In the same
vein, for those of us who are waiting for a wish to be
granted, or whose wishes have been granted in a way which we
feel is not quite perfect -- don't feel self pity. Smile and
keep smiling (not always an easy task, but life is not always
easy).
A friend of mine who is a social worker and also an
experienced councilor, urges people to listen. Just listen,
at the same time, giving your undivided attention. She says
that mostly, people are not asking for advice; they just want
a listening ear. Then they can unburden themselves or not, as
they wish. We ask Hashem for wisdom in Ato chonen,
three times a day. We ask Hashem to grant us the wisdom to
say the right thing.
