It is hard to raise a family of happy, well-adjusted, Torah
loving children. It is even harder to do so when you are a
single parent.
As members of a caring community, the following are a few
ideas on how we can help the single parent and his/her
children, and how we can all become more sensitive to and
more aware of the special needs they have.
Hachnossas Orchim: Children are People, Too
Many of us have read books and articles about the
mitzva of having guests, and all of us know that
making a guest feel comfortable is one of the cardinal
principles of hospitality. So we ask our guests questions and
say things in order to show them that we are interested in
them and want them to feel more a part of our homes and our
lives.
Yet, interestingly enough, when a guest brings a child or
two, other than perhaps bringing out a few books or toys for
the kids to play with by themselves, not too much additional
thought usually seems to be given to the children.
However, hospitality applies to children as well as to
adults. If the host family has children of their own who are
not too far removed from the ages of the guest- children,
perhaps more can be done than just allowing the guest kids to
fiddle around with some toys all by themselves, alone on the
floor.
Having to sit as an extraneous outsider is very difficult,
even awkward and embarrassing, for the juvenile guests. It
makes it even harder for them if they have to watch as a non-
participating observer while your children are running around
and happily doing whatever, either by themselves or with
their friends, while that youngster is sitting alone,
shifting around those toys. When we think about it, we
realize that it is obviously not the highest form of helping
that child-guest feel comfortable and at home, since most
members of a single-parent family are more self-conscious and
insecure to begin with.
* Help your children break the ice. Every guest parent will
appreciate being ignored for the first few minutes until you
are able to get the children involved together.
* Involve guest children in the Torah talk at the table, be
it Shabbos or the Seder Table. If you can get them to
contribute, you will have made a wonderful, memorable time
for them.
* Be sure you have explained to your own children the
importance of hospitality before the guests appear. It
is unbelievably insensitive to do so in front of the guest
child.
* It is inexcusable to allow your child to go running off --
before or after the meal -- while a little guest sits alone
quietly.
* Spend a few minutes thinking of the seating plan to ensure
that the guest child is both within eye contact of the parent
as well as easily able to converse with your child.
Hints for the Holidays
* The younger the child/ren, the more the single parent will
appreciate Shabbos and holiday invitations. Invite them
before your tables fills up. In Israel this is a particular
problem since so many seminary girls are always looking for a
new place to eat. But priority should be given to those
living in your own neighborhood or whom you personally know.
Don't assume that someone else has invited them; it is not
necessarily so.
* There is often an upsurge of invitations to single- parent
families right before Holidays, so if they are booked, don't
assume that they always have lots of invitations. Invite them
for a few weeks in advance, and mark it down on your
calendar.
Though Shabbos invitations are very important to single
parent families with young children, by the time the kids are
older, it has become less vital since by then everyone has
probably gotten used to eating these meals alone. In
addition, if several years have gone by, the mother may no
longer feel the imperative of getting dressed and being
exposed to the aloneness of being outsiders at someone else's
Shabbos table. Older children will also be more sensitive to
the estrangement.
* If a single mother with young sons lives nearby, realize
that she probably needs someone to take her boys to
shul each Shabbos and teach them the proper norms. If
your family cannot help each week, at least offer to take the
child once or twice a month and keep your eyes open for
likely candidates, perhaps an older, retired man to become a
surrogate grandfather. Your asking on her behalf will be much
easier and less embarrassing for you. But make sure that this
will be appreciated by her.
* An invitation, open or otherwise, to come over for
havdola, which is usually a lonely time, is
particularly kind and appreciated. An invitation to "come
early so we can have some time together" will make her glow
with happiness in anticipation.
* Offer to have your husband help put up a succa.
Every family, even if there are only girls, wants to have a
succa, which will be one less reason for them to feel
different from their friends.
* Simchas Torah is another difficult yom tov for
single- parent families: for little boys in the shul
proper, as well as for their mothers, standing in the women's
section, watching as most of the other little children are
being twirled around high on their father's shoulders...
* On Shavuos, it is easy to forget a little boy who has no
one to stay up with him to learn. These are all things which
are difficult to ask neighbors to do, and yet, if offered,
demonstrate real sensitivity, thoughtfulness, consideration
and concern for other people, and serve as an excellent
lesson for one's family.
* It is nice to invite single/widowed/divorced people for
Chanuka candlelighting and latkes/sufganiyot afterwards. Few
singles are going to go to the bother of making these
traditional dishes for themselves but will feel the guilt of
not doing it for the children.
* Chol Hamoed is often a particularly long and lonely
time for single-parent families. Luncheon invitations are
appreciated. If you're going out, you needn't give a specific
time. Simply say, "Probably around X:00, but call first to
make sure we're back."
Inside and Outside the Home
* It is a tremendous chessed to compliment the single
parent in front of his/her children, because he/she gets very
little positive reinforcement from outsiders, especially
within the child's hearing.
Usually a child will hear acrimony from interaction, like,
"Why did you take my parking place?" or "What is wrong with
this [defective] article that you want to return? You're very
picky." Children will never hear someone say, "What a lovely
dinner you made tonight," or "It was so nice the way you said
xxx." In fact, sit down now and try to imagine what it must
be like not having any adult reinforcement in life!
* A child from a divorced home is usually referred to as
coming from a `broken home', no matter how well adjusted s/he
is. Such a child will overhear such phrases, and it will tear
both his and his mother's hearts apart. [Maybe you should ask
the parent how she would like to be referred to.]
* Mezuzos should be checked twice every seven years.
This project is a daunting one for a divorcee, since few
experts make house visits. Offering your son's or husband's
help is a big favor which will be greatly appreciated.
* Doing homework can be a problem for a single-parent boy who
does not have access to the right seforim or expertise
in using them. Offering access to your Torah library or your
older son's help will be most appreciated.
* Be careful not to compare how much you spend on a wedding
or bar mitzva gift to a single-parent child with how much the
parent gave you. Her income is probably half, and the number
of simchas for which you have to give her gifts, a
fraction, compared to what she has to give you.
* When walking out of shul or a simcha, make an
effort to talk to a single parent, especially if she has
children with her. It is depressing to walk out alone into a
throng of couples chattering away and searching for one
another. Knowing that your children see and are aware of your
aloneness is even more painful.
This is your way of showing that this person has worth and
that you value and appreciate her opinion/friendship.
Children in a single-parent family rarely see anyone showing
respect and approbation to their parent.
A list of single-parent needs can go on and on. The point is
for each of us to think of the other person, the one who
doesn't have everything we have, and to realize all that is
involved in this situation.
