I always envied those women who seemed so sure of themselves.
There were two kinds of them. Some confident mothers claimed,
"There's only one way to get a baby to sleep through the
night. Babies do not know how to fall asleep on their own
unless you let them cry it out. It only takes a few nights of
screaming, and then it's magic. You're guaranteed a good
night's sleep."
Just as self-assuredly, the other camp maintained that the
cry-it-out method is cruel and produces insecurity in babies.
"Babies often do not sleep through the night until at least
two years old, and sometimes even three or four. But don't
worry... they'll be sleeping by the time of their Bar
Mitzva."
Thanks a lot. That makes me feel better. Only twelve- and-a-
half years to go. And that's just for that one child!
It always amazes me how both sides seemed so completely
confident in their method. Did they never hear the other
side? Did it never strike them that they may be wrong? I
suppose it is a personality type, the kind that is certain
about whatever they do. Or maybe they just come from large
families with experienced mothers who handed down their own
methodology to their daughters.
Being the youngest of a small family, I found the whole issue
utterly confusing. Yes, I am tired, and it would be nice to
have a good night's sleep. But how can I let Baby cry? Maybe
he will feel abandoned. On the other hand, he's waking up
every hour these days. He's not hungry or thirsty. Is this
really necessary? Is this just a bad habit?
I'll admit that the convincing words of a familiar friend
named `Desperation' convinced me to try the cry- it-out
method a few times. But the cries of Baby pulled at my heart.
Are these those heartstrings I've always heard about? It hurt
more than when I myself cry. Each time found me running in to
Baby, grabbing him, hugging him closely and pacifying him.
After a while, I realized that this was not for me.
For several babies, we eventually found ways to get them to
sleep through the night. Some had pacifiers, others I rocked,
one I sang to. All of them were over a year, because I do
believe that young babies need the nourishment and security
that come from waking up with Mom in the middle of the
night.
Recently, it was time to teach Baby #5 how to sleep through
the night. This one was a real challenge. He was going on two
and had begun awaking once an hour. He wasn't teething or
suffering from an ailment. (I brought him to the doctor to
verify that.) Until then, it had been fine for both of us,
but I guess I reached the point where I felt that something
must be done.
Around that time, a close friend told me about a secular book
she had bought called, The No-Cry Sleep Solution.
After a few more heavily-interrupted nights, I begged her for
the book. After reading the introduction, I realized that
this book was backing what I had basically come up with. It
doesn't have to be this or that! You don't have to choose
between cry- it-out or get no sleep. It had numerous ideas of
how to gently teach your baby to sleep through the night. Of
course, not being a Jewish book, it has to be taken with a
grain of [kosher] salt. It does not necessarily take into
account our lifestyle, spacing of children, family size, or
apartment size. But the principle was what I liked. Gentle
ways of helping your baby sleep through the night.
We waited for Bein Hazmanim, when my husband would be
able to help out. The first thing we did was to move Baby out
of our room. Then my husband took the night shift. He seemed
to manage much better than I did. Whenever I tried, Baby
would not give in. So my husband would take him out of his
crib, hold him, rock him and sing to him, until he fell
asleep. Other times, he would leave him in the crib, rock him
and sing to him. This went on for about a week and a half,
during which time we noticed that Baby was getting up much
less often and staying awake for shorter stretches. The only
problem was that my husband was burning out. This was all
during Pesach cleaning time, and the cleaning combined with
interrupted sleep took its toll on my husband.
I'm not sure how the next step developed. I think it was
because we noticed that my seven-year-old daughter was great
at putting Baby to sleep in the daytime. Somehow, she ended
up taking over the night shift. At first, I wasn't sure if it
was the right thing to do. After all, she wasn't so big
herself, but her bed was right next to his crib, and she
didn't have to get up to rock him. And the best thing was
that with her, Baby would fall asleep after a minute or two,
a small fraction of what it would take me or even my
husband.
Baby seemed to know that with her, he had no choice. She just
couldn't take him out. For about a week, Baby was getting up
about two times a night and being rocked to sleep by Big
Sister. Since he was falling asleep faster, she was also
getting a better night's sleep, as was the rest of the
family.
After another week or so, we suddenly noticed that he was
sleeping through the night! It's been just over a month now
since we started, and we all feel good that we helped teach
Baby to go to sleep without crying it out. I cannot say there
was no crying. Especially that first week, he did cry some
while my husband was holding him and rocking him. But he knew
that someone who loved him was trying hard to help him. He
knew that he was not being abandoned. And my daughter feels
terrific that she was the one to gently help him learn to
sleep through the night (along with my dedicated husband, of
course).
These are some ideas that worked for us. Every baby responds
positively to certain efforts and not to others, and every
family has methods that do or do not work. Experimentation is
the best way to go. But the point is that with a little
patience and creativity, you can tenderly help your baby
sleep through the night.
So, to all those confident mothers from those two camps, I
have news for you. I can join your ranks, because I have my
own camp. May we all have siyata diShmaya to make the
right choices for our families, each of us in our particular
circumstances.
[Ed. Any bright ideas on getting `stubborn' nursing babies to
take a bottle/food?]
